The Longest Tag EVER
So, like, a bunch of WordPress people (adults supposedly) are playing tag and I just got tagged. Not freeze tagged, tagged where I’m now doomed to find someone else to tag in order to rid myself of the blog cooties. Or something.
I could ignore it, but I’m about ready to shoot up some technology, so I might as well take a nice little break before my RAGE costs a goodly portion of my paycheck. So anyways, it was twindaddy again (quit stalking me! Unless this is really Blunt Life Coach in which case – I knew you loved me all the time!) and he was tagged by Merbear. I wasn’t aware there was such a thing, but I guess if you’ve got sea cows you can have Merbears. I bet there is a special in the works on Animal Planet or Discovery.
Okay, so tag is about answering questions and linking? WTF?
Okay so rules (I wish I could just run and smack him back like in first grade. So much easier.)
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/Twitter and let them know they’ve been tagged.
A photo of mwah? Sure.
Alice right about now.
11 facts about me? A-gain? What don’t you know? What would you like to know?
1. My favorite antiperspirant is Mitchum. I find it has the best flavor.
2 . I love watching that show “Monsters Inside Me” because it freaks me the heck out; but you know, I want to be prepared.
3. I suck at technology. Either that or my computer is currently possessed by Satan.
4. I read all the Twilight books AND all the 50 Shades books because I . . . why? Why did I do that?
5. I know people hate award posts, but I don’t have any other ideas so it’s an award post and what else was I going to do hurt feelings, huh? Huh?
6. I’m pretty sure I have the plague and Rat Bite Fever. (see number 2)
7. I have cavities. Damn those Cavity Creeps!
8. I almost never have any idea what I’m talking about. (surprise!)
9. Did I mention the computer possession? My disks have got it too. Maybe THEY have Rat Bite Fever.
10. My name isn’t really Alice, but my real name does come from a classic book.
11. I like saying “eleventy billion” and “sadfaced” and other made up words and writing really long run on sentences because I’m a terrible English major.
You realize they’ve all left now, Alice.
Now I’m supposed to answer questions from twindaddy. Is anyone still reading? See if I care. Go check out someone’s interesting blog but you’ll be SORRY.
- If you were a super hero, what would your super power be? Blowing up stuff with the power of my mind. It’s probably a good thing I don’t really have that.
- You don’t like your name (if you do, pretend that you don’t). What do you change it to? Pocahontas
- Debbie leaves Cincinnati at 5PM and travels an average speed of 62mph. Triton (where did that name come from?) leaves Dayton at 4:47PM and travels at an average speed of 87mph. They head towards each other. At what point do you give a fuck about any of this? BONUS Question: How long until Triton gets arrested for reckless driving? Triton is a water god dude from Greek Mythology – or Ariel the mermaid’s dad. Not sure how he’s driving at all with that tail. At no point do I give a fuck about this.
- Coffee gets me high and keeps me awake at work on most days. Do you have such an addiction? If so, what is it? Cola. Cola, cola, colaaaaaa.
- I truly believe we are all broken in some way or another. What is your biggest defect? Defect? No one has made me the Queen of the Internetz yet, that’s the defect. Or possibly it might be using humor as a self defense mechanism. Nah.
- Conversely, we all have one thing we are extremely talented at. What is your best attribute? I’m extremely talented at doing absolutely nothing. Also some people like my writing and drawing. You don’t? Well get lost!
- If you were like Pinocchio, but could choose which body part would get bigger with every lie you told, which body part would it be? Clearly asked by a man. I would choose to make parts smaller, not larger.
- You find an empty box on the floor of your office. What was in it? Crap. Or, um, archival material I mean.
- You just walked into Starbucks. What do you order? A pastry. I hate coffee, even fru fru coffee.
- Do you read (besides blogs)? If so, what type of reading to you enjoy? Alice no read. Alice read 50 Shades and brain no worky. Actually, I usually like reading non-fiction but lately my attention span is so shot that blog entries and magazine articles from Cosmo are about the limit of my intellectual ability.
- If you could guest post on any blog, what blog would it be? Oooh, oooh, does the Pope have a blog? Cause that would be pretty sweet. Otherwise – I’d like to guest post on any of my peep’s blogs.
That’s all fol . . . that’s NOT all? I’m supposed to ask more questions? WTF kind of tag is this? By this point you realize I could be on the other side of the playground, right? Okay, FINE, but you will be sorry.
“Tag. Come on, play. TAG!”
1. Why do you blog? Why do any of us do this? Why?
2. Are you hungry?
3. Is this eleven questions yet?
4. Is anyone still reading?
5. Does my butt look big on this blog?
6. Just how bored are you?
7. How long can you hold your breath? No reason. Just curious. Don’t look behind you.
8. Can you poop rainbows? If so, we must meet.
9. Are you STILL reading? You really are bored.
10. Is there a monster at the end of this post?
11. Does anyone know what I should write about? That would like, be actually good? Or mildly entertaining? Or stupid and gross but kind of funny?
And the nominees are . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
And now for the nominations, for anyone who got this far.
twindaddy (serves you right)
Miss Four Eyes (if you don’t answer, Sad Pony will get even sadder. Squirrel will simply die. Think on it.)
List of X (I want to see him come up with 10 reasons not to respond to this tag)
Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher (I really want to know if she can poop rainbows. That’s a great skill in a librarian.)
Revis (as brother to twindaddy, you are automatically responsible too. It says so in the Bible.)
Faithhopechocolate (speaking of Bibles, faith, you’re it.)
Not Quite Alice (Another Alice is Always Acceptable and Alliterative)
Animockery (good artist and fellow geek)
braith an’ lithe (she’s a yogi – she can probably twist her way out of this tag)
Doggy’s Style (Run, doggie, run!)
She’s a Maineiac (Looks cool drinking coffee)
So there you go, our nominees. Yay. Now remember, you must pass this award on or ALL THE PUPPIES WILL DIE. Have a nice day!
Alice
The Fruitcake Award
Since so many people have given me awards, I decided to return the favor and come up with my own. Yup, I made it ALL BY MYSELF. I thought on this one long and hard, folks. And then, an idea came to me, like the ghost of Christmas past. Fruitcake.
I made rules and everything, but they’re really easy, guyz. Here’s how it works.
1. Thank the person (it’s the thought, not the hardened fruit, that counts).
2. Forget about it for a while.
3. Realize you haven’t written a thank you post, you cretin. Click: Add New Post.
4. Display the charming image on your blog. Smack it up there like you’re proud of it and everything. Don’t hurt grandma’s feelings!
5. Link back to the person who sent it. If you can’t remember, just link back to anybody. Chances are they won’t remember whether they gave you something or not.
6. Chose ONE lucky, lucky reader to receive this special gift of joyness. Cause what the heck are you going to do with it?
7. See what bizarre things you can get them to do. Here are some suggestions. Tell them to: blog naked, talk to their split personality, converse with imaginary animals, name themselves after a fruit, read 50 Shades (that’s just cruel), sparkle, hunt zombies, stand on their heads, join a religious order, eat a spambot, or even better, all of the above. At once. Pics or it didn’t happen.
8. Stalk their blog and see if they do all the stuff you asked. If they don’t, tell them how hurt you are that they don’t like their gift and ask why they no longer love you.
9. See who they choose to send your gift on to.
10. Wait for it to eventually return back to you. It’s fruitcake. That’s what it does.
So that’s it! Now, for the first winner of the great Fruitcake Award! Miss Four Eyes, chosen because she is my bestest blog friend in the universe (I LOVE YOU FOREVERS) and not because her name came up first when I was thinking of who to dump this on give this precious gift. Congrats!
Don’t Look a Gift Storm Trooper in the Blaster
Or something. I just got a new bling from twindaddy. It’s pretty sweet. I’ll display it right this second or I’ll forget because senility.
Because there is no I in Team but there is a t, an a, an e, and an m.
There are fireworks and crap, which is just like when WordPress did that end of the year thing with fireworks, only it doesn’t display my most used safeword search word. You know I typed that sentence twice with the same Freudian slip. Huh.
Anyhoo, there are more rules, and as the classic rebel without a point, I’m going to rebel and screw them all up. Again. So let’s see, rules, rules, rules. He says:
Display the Logo
Well no kidding. Look, there it is up there. Don’t look in my bling closet because I haven’t added it yet. It’s kind of a mess and if I open it crap comes pouring out and it’s bad for my allergies. Okay, what else is there?
Finish this sentence “a great reader is ___.”
You know you’re asking for it, right? Let’s see, I could go with what Thing Two did at age five when her Bible class teacher asked her to fill in what her very favorite thing was. She said “My very favorite thing . . . is me!” But no, I’ll give it a little more thought. A great reader is someone who reads my crap. Even if they’re dragon tales creepers. Or spambots. Remember, spambots always take the time to leave comments, even if they are unintelligible and trying to sell you pills that really do work come see me now!
Oh, wait, there’s more. Nominate – 14 people? WTF, 14? Do I have 14 readers? According to my stats I’ve got lots. Huh. Okay, so here goes! I’m going to nominate those who, in my opinion, are least appreciated around here. Here we go:
Lista de email: You, lista, never fail to visit. Your email lists are the bomb. Take this award.
Pure Green Coffee Extract: I’m so glad you share my love of green coffee. Do you hang out at the Cantina too? Not only that, you offers weight loss pills for men for women. Awesome. Here you go.
Katherine is super awesome. She offers PHD scholarships which I didn’t even realize was a thing until now. She had an interesting comment too:
“I would prefer dragons from trolls. Dragons are much cute, cuddly and enchanting compared to trolls that drool. Plus, toddlers would enjoy watching dragons in different colors while soaring into the air. Not that I hated trolls, I just don’t like their appearance and mostly they are villains in children’s stories. I would like to hear more of it soon.”
No problem, Kat. I too love different colored toddlers who fly in the air more than I do drooling trolls.
mysocialday thinks I’m swell and tells me so with backhanded compliments. Like “I can’t believe you aren’t more popular given that you most certainly have the gift.” The gift of what, I’m not sure, but hey thanks. Take this award.
acnecyst has overcome so much in life. Like acne cysts. Those sound unpleasant. If you go see him, I’m sure he’ll have some cream for you. Thanks so much, man. Here’s an award.
Hahaha I am only kidding here, guys, I have a lot of honest to goodness real readers here, too many to write down because if I do I might leave someone out and then that person might come after my blog after first finding all the dragon tales readers and teaming up and then I would be an absolute goner so you see this is mostly just a way of protecting myself and loving everybody equally so help me Amen.
And thank you twindaddy, for being awesome, as usual.
The Bling Closet
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Alice who went around begging for blog bling. She was not subtle about it. Nope, she wrote several posts on it, in fact. She whined on people’s blogs when she wasn’t selected. Whining turns out to be a very effective bargaining tool, for soon she was rolling in bling which she put in her bling closet labeled Unbirthday Presents.
Then Alice got busy. She had things to do. Like avoid housework and play video games and insult stupid books and hack up mounds of mucus. Cool stuff you guys just wouldn’t understand. So she didn’t write a thank you post. She meant to, but life, you know, she was trying to find one and that takes TIME people.
So there’s this backlog, and though she tried to keep records, she has none, except the kind that go round, round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, round round. What’s a lazy girl to do? Write one post to try to cover her rear end, that’s what she’s to do. And here it is, in all its glory!
Here’s a couple of awards I just got, so I actually remember them. They were given to me by another Alice from a parallel universe blog. First up is awesomesauce because it has a dragon. Check it.
It’s a FREAKING DRAGON, that’s what it is.
Next, is one that just showed up and has been floating around the blogosphere. It’s the We Are Family award, and I get to be part of this messed up little family. Woot!
Check out my shadow family. They rock.
And there were others, others that . . . crap I forgot. I think one had Sunshine in it, because I’m just full of it. Sunshine, that is. And . . . um, others, just too many to mention! Yes, that’s it!
The dragon award said to give out facts about yourself. I’ve already done that so much I’m sure most people want me to take some of those facts back. TMI Alice, is something I have heard, possibly, once or twice. So I’ll make up some stuff about me.
- In high school, I was a cheerleader, on account of all my pep.
- I used to have a talking dog named Cheeto, but he kept giving out my passwords to people so I had my dragon eat him.
- I am really a princess, and as soon as Julie Andrews takes off my glasses, trims my eyebrows, and gives me a new dress and etiquette lessons, I am going to totally take the throne. And write a diary about it.
- All that bad stuff I did? It was not me. It was my evil robot twin, Ecila.
- I see dead people. In the funeral parlor. The funeral directors keep telling me to quit stalking them.
- My dad is Obi One Kenobi, so I might actually be a Jedi princess. Don’t tell Twindaddy. He has orders to destroy me.
- I do a LOT of drugs. I mean, a LOT.
So there you go. I have acknowledged awards I forgot, and some I didn’t (because I just got them like minutes before writing this post) and I made up some stuff about myself. Yes, even the last thing. I’m not stoned, just weird.
Thanks to all my peeps who are still out there, hopefully. In keeping with my laziness, I give my award to all of you, mwah, mwah! And also to all the spambots.
Love,
Alice
Hilarious Health Activist Nominee – me?
Hi all, it’s Alice again.
I checked my junk mail and found this little email telling me I was nominated for a health activist award. Yeah, like, I know, right? I’m not sure who nominated me, but I checked it out and it’s actually legit! Research! Here’s a little more about it:
http://blog.wegohealth.com/2012/12/10/nominate-for-hilarious-health-activist-2012/
And here’s the little blog trophy I will win in if the judges actually vote for me out of like a big old bunch of other blogs. (ZOMG MORE BLING!)
Someone had to nominate me, and I’m thinking it was one of my awesome followers, or possibly someone who mixed me up with somebody who does a lot more advocating for health stuff (does warning people away from the stupidity of 50 Shades count as health advocacy?) Either way, it’s very cool to get this nomination, and a reminder that you should occasionally check your junk email folder. This is not junk – for once!
Once again, thanks to all you crazy peeps who follow my blog. I love you guyz.
Alice
P.S. Canvas of the Minds is also nominated for an health activist award (it’s probably not the hilarious one). There is a button you can use to endorse them. Do ittttt! That site totally deserves it.
And a happy new bling
Well. Just when I’d finished that other bling thanky post, I got another award. Oh, bother, can’t you see I’m busy? Hahaha, yeah I didn’t believe that either. YAY. Okay, so this happened to be the same award I’d already gotten, but that’s okay with me because Sad Pony and Squirrel have been looking longingly at my awards, so I can now share. But first they have to fight over it. I think they’ve been itching to do that anyway. Or possibly I’ve just gone insane.
I took it while Squirrel was playing with his nuts.
So what I got was the Liebster award, again. See, Storkhunter gave it to me this time, right after lovelifelaundry gave it to me. Did you know they were sisters? This blogging world is totally related. It’s like, we’re all connected, you know, like far out, man, like did I just smoke something?
If you’ll recall, the Liebster Award is the German one that is not an award for Nazi blogs. I feel the need to point this out. It is totally Nazi free. Just like the majority of American blog awards are free from Westboro Baptist Church. Except for the “Evil Douchebag Blogger Award.” which I’m pretty sure belongs to them.
Not the Evil Douchebag Award.
Right, but anyhoo, I felt the need to crank out another blog post because Storkhunter pointed out that, yello, you are supposed to answer questions and then make new questions for other people. Whoops. Once again I didn’t read instructions. What a Dummkoph I am! (Dummkoph is German for stupid head.)
Here are storkhunter’s questions, which are different from her sister’s. I know. And here I thought they laughed alike and walked alike and sometimes even watched stupid shows like Patty Duke. So here they are:
- What is the square root of 473? Red
- Do you make sure that you wear correct day of the week underwear? Yes. It’s Columbus Day, right? SHIT.
- If today will be tomorrow’s yesterday and today’s tomorrow, when’s tomorrow? Jupiter
- What’s in your fridge right now? Not sure but it’s achieved intelligence and will not let me open the door.
- Shirts – hang up or fold? Leave in the laundry basket until they mold together into one mass and someone says “Are these clean?” and you don’t know so you wash them again.
- Does it piss you off when people spell your name wrong? Yes. No one can spell my last name. But at least my kids learned how to spell their last name that way because I have to spell it every single time I go anywhere and give my name. It’s not that freaking hard, people!
- What music are you listening to right now? I’m asking this because I’m fed up of the tunes on my ipod. Need some good recommendations. I’m listening to crickets right now. But earlier I was listening to James Brown, king of parole. I feel goood.
- Pet names – love ‘em or hate ‘em? (I mean baby, sweetie, honey not Buster, Rover, Fluffles). Rover would be a good pet name for Ana Steele. Since she is a pet. Otherwise, hate ’em.
- Blogging in bed. Do you? Yeah, it annoys my husband when we’re being intimate and I say, “Wait one sec, I gotta respond to this comment.” He’s so unreasonable.
- Planes, trains or automobiles? Segway. I like to be cool.
- How much do you hate me right now? I love you. We are all connected in the great circle of life, like a wheel within a wheel, oh oh – Squirrel just puked all over the floor.
Okay, my turn. I get to ask you unlucky people questions which you can proceed to ignore but don’t, cause this is a chainmail award and if you do ignore it then Republicans will win the next ten elections. Don’t be responsible for that.
1. How much more fabulous is Alice than other bloggers, like, say, those who are French Canadian?
2. What’s your favorite book? (If you say 50 Shades, you go to Hell.)
3. Sad Pony or Squirrel?
4. What’s your social security number?
5. How many houses does John McCain own?
6. How many fingers am I holding up?
7. Edward or Christian?
8. What’s your most hated children’s show?
9. How much longer can I stretch out this post?
10. If one train is coming at 50 miles per hour and another train is coming at 75 miles per hour, what kind of sandwich am I eating?
11. What should I make my eleventh question?
My award recepients. Lucky, lucky people.
Stork Hunter (because she’s valedictorian of my made up class and that ought to come with some perks, right? Plus, she gave me this award and now she gets it back! Regifting is awesome.)
faithhopechocolate (ditto for the salutatorian.)
The Bumble Files (She boosts Alice’s ego. Alice likes that.)
Love and Lunchmeat (She let me on her Zombie Apocalypse Task Force.)
Childhood Relived (Because she reminds me of 80s stuff best left forgotten)
Carrie Rubin (Because she reminded me that there are decent books out there.)
StetotheJ (He writes the BEST blurbs ever, with swoony forsooths and whatnot. Oh, and he has great reviews on his site.)
Bling for everybody! That I remembered at this very second!
Bling bling bells, bling bling bells . . .
Did you catch that title? It’s like Jingle Bells, only it’s Bling bells, which are so much better because I don’t want to shoot them like I do Jingle Bells after I’ve heard it for the 47th time every single day leading up to Christmas, the day of Jesus and Macy’s.
But back to bling, which has nothing to do with Christmas, of course. You see, you might not have realized this, but this is an awards post. I know, right? I was given two awards, the Brilliant Blog Award and the Liebster Award. The Brilliant Blog Award was made just for me. Yes it was. No, it does not have a picture of anything like that, you weirdos. It’s a light bulb, for my fabulous ideas. Of which I have some. Occasionally. Anyhoo, it’s from Sunny With A Chance of Armagaddeon, who I’m pretty sure I said had the absolute best blog name ever, and there should be an award for best blog name. Get to work on that, whoever makes awards out there.
For brilliant blingy me!
And there are questions, and since I was caught by somebody for not following the rules last time (cough, scienerf, cough) I will be good and follow them to the let-ter. So here we go.
Da Rules
- Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you.
- Write 7 things you believe in.
- Give the award to as many brilliant blogs as you would like to share the love.
1. Acceptance Speech:
This is not a problem with me. I’ve been practicing acceptance speeches all my life, just like Mitt Romney. So I would like to say, thank you to all the other bloggers who have stood by me through it all, back when there was no bling to be found, and I was destitute. Of bling. I would also like to thank the Academy, and my dog who has been dead for like 20 years, and the clouds, and the trees, and Squirrel and Sad Pony and . . . why are you playing that music so loud?
2. Seven Things I Believe In
Puppies
Kittens
Rainbows
Unicorn poop
Bling
Crystal Light (cause I believe in me!)
Potatoes.
3. Nominate bloggers.
I’m guessing this means don’t be freaking lazy and say everyone can have it. And here I thought I was being all generous in the Christmas spirit of Macy’s. But okay. I’ll leave them to the end, after I talk about my next award.
The Liebster Award was given to me by lovelifelaundry (another great blog title – who can get away from freaking laundry? It’s evil. Laundry, not the blog, which is tops.) Liebster is German for “dearest” and is given to Nazi blogs with less than 200 followers. Did you hear that? Yeah, I don’t believe it either. Less than 200? I figured there were a bazillion followers by now. (Actually I’m amazed there are over 20, but stay with me here.) Oh, and as it turns out, this award has nothing to do with Nazis, my bad.
Not a Nazi blog award
There are questions for this one too! Golly, talk about me again? I just don’t know if I okay here I go!
MY 11 questions are:
1. What is your greatest stength?
X-ray vision. Also some people think I’m funny.
2. When was your proudest moment?
When my babies were born and I stopped being possessed by the little aliens.
3. How long do you wait for a bus before giving up and going home
I haven’t ridden a bus in a long time. I’d say five seconds, because I’m patient.
4. E-books or real books?
Yes. I mostly like real books, unless I’m reading something stupid like 50 Shades. Then I like to go incognito.
5. How far would you go to get what you want?
Is assault too far? What if it was someone seriously annoying?
6. Whom would you invite round for dinner?
Ana Steele. Then I’m smack her head into the mashed potatoes a billion times.
7. What is your biggest fear?
That we’ll get a Republican Prez in 2016.
8. What makes you laugh out loud?
Me! And many other funny people and their blogs.
9. Your greatest weakness?
You thought I was going to say Kryptonite, right? Wrong! It’s the color yellow.
10. If I had one wish I would wish for…..
Eternal life. Except then I’d get stuck in prison or something.
11. If you had to come back in a different era, which one would it be?
Medival Times – but only the medieval times that you see in the movies, not the one with no flush toilets.
Now the nominees! I think these are pretty good questions, so if you wanna answer them and take the awards, go for it.
Scienerf (because I want her to write yet another award post this week)
Ravinj (because she likes homework)
Speaker7 (because Hugo keeps dangling my lock of hair over a lighter)
GiggsMcGill Jill (because she’s cool, like, really cool, man.)
Jen and Tonic (so she can feel guilty about talking about clown boy on my press release blurb post)
Miss Four Eyes (because both Sad Pony and Squirrel nominated her for her . . . I’m gonna go with brilliance here.)
I know I’m leaving somebody(s) off here. Just send me a MLP horsehead pic and I’ll get the idea. Alice says thanks for all the love! And bling.
Bling Donations Accepted
Doncha just love my award posts? Of course you do. I think I will quickly make my mark on AliceBling™. There! Done.
This latest award is from Jiltaroo (cool name) who has presented me with the Versatile Blogger Award. I am nothing if not versatile. I mean sometimes I write about stupid stuff, and other times I write about . . . I’m sure there’s other stuff I write about. No matter. Thank you, Jiltaroo, for this latest bit o’ bling for me!
Versatile I am! Bring more bling!
Would you like to donate bling to Alice? I’m not sure if you realize, but some bloggers can be fed on just a tiny bit of bling a day! Like, with the cost of one blog post, you could feed another blogger for a week! Reach into your hearts and dig out another sticker! Or those cool rhinestones you can glue on crafts! Any little amount would be appreciated. We must think of those less fortunate, those with no bling.
As a child, Alice was not given enough Bling. Stop this madness. Donate today.
Thanks again, Jiltaroo and all you caring others who are featured on my Unbirthday Presents page . . . for making a difference.
A PSA From Alice
*Post number something or other in the Blog-a-Day Challenge*
Hey you guys are not going to believe this. Well, yes you will. Le Clown has a press release section. It’s full of blog posts praising him. (I have one in there – actually I’m mostly being whiny that he got pressed and I didn’t but kudos for putting it in there anyhoo.) But here’s the deal. Alice does not have lots of posts created purely to praise her.
Oh, sure, I get plenty of awesome comments that are awesome (and I need a thesaurus) but entire posts? Not nearly that many! (Okay, I remember these by you Speaker, and Stork Hunting, and Ravin, and if I’m forgetting anyone write me a comment or just write nasty posts about me thanks. But this takes away from my experience of gross injustice, so shhh for now, kay?) Anything a burning clown can do, I can do better. So I think I’ll start my own press release section. The only problem is that I don’t have very many releases at this point. No matter. Alice can compensate.
(As an aside, did you notice that sometimes Alice speaks in third person? She contracted her illness from Le Clown who contracted it from Elmo.)
Le Clown freaking ripped Elmo off. Elmo is looking for a lawyer!
I’m always seeing posts about how to improve your blog, and this seems like the way to do it. And as I always say, if at first you don’t succeed in suckering people into writing you posts, cheat. So I have. Here are some excerpts. Check it out.
“Alice is the best blogger I have ever met. I want to marry her blog and have bloggy babiezz.” – SomeFancyPressedBlog
“Alice is so inspiring, I have decided to stop drinking and start doing acid.” – Ernest Hemingway
“After reading Alice’s blog, I figured out that I have no talent and should never, ever write another book so help me God. Thanks, Alice!” – E.L. James
“We can’t believe we have not freshly pressed Alice’s blog. We are so ashamed. From now on we will wear bags over our heads.” – WordPress
“After reading this blog, my leprosy was healed!” – LepersRpeople2blog
“Alice, this may sound crazy, but call me, maybe?” – David Hasselhoff
“I’m adding this blog to my blog club because it is so totally authentic and not at all filled with shallow lies!” – Oprah
“I never thought I’d find work again, but then Alice’s blog came along and now I am slightly less likely to break my own leg” – Sad Pony
“I thought I was totally messed up, and then I saw Alice’s blog. I feel much better now.” – The Mad Hatter
See? It’s easy to find praise if only you don’t care much about honesty or sanity! All that crap about cheaters never prosper? Pffft. They just didn’t want you to cheat and get all the really cool stuff that cheaters get. Like fabulously famous blogs like mine.
So remember, kids, it pays to cheat. It also pays to endlessly harass clowns. Although only his friends get to harass him, which means any trolls that say nasty things are going to have to deal with Alice, who if you might remember, defeated the freaking Jabberwock. You’ve been warned.
This has been my PSA for today. You’re welcome.
aliceatwonderland 
Alice’s Press Release Blurbs
My readers have responded that I might have real deranged blurbs along with my imaginary deranged ones! Thanks, guys! Alice feels the LOVE.
“Dear Alice, you’re funny, and stuff. May you get these words tattooed on your left arm”.
– Le Clown
“I’m so fracking jealous that sad pony commented on Alice’s blog. I want a sad pony comment….okay, right, this is not about me…so yeah, I like Alice’s blog lots and lots like sad-pony lots.”
– Speaker 7
“I heard E. L James refer to your blog as ‘a spanking good read’ and don’t forget what Shakespeare said, ‘ Forsooth yon maid dost write with inflection and wit, prithee all should gaze on the visage of her blog.”
– StetotheJ
“Miss Four Eyes thinks Alice is hilarious. Alice is one of the bravest people Four Eyes knows for reading and blogging about butt plugs. And Alice has the best squirrel on the whole blogosphere! Four Eyes has also contracted the third person disease from Alice, who caught it from Le Clown, who ripped off Elmo. Elmo’s world theme song is now stuck in Four Eyes’s head.”
– Miss Four Eyes
“Well, if Oprah likes Alice’s blog, then Jillian can’t not like it (sorry – the double negative kind of fell in there…). Because Oprah rules the world, and we all know it.”
Also, the amount of hilarity in your blog posts brings joy and happiness to my life! =D”
– GiggsMcGill Jill
“Alice never disappoints. She’s full of raucous fun and wonderment. My day is not complete without a visit to her blog. For reals.”
– The Bumble Files
“Storkhunter this Alice is the most funniest and altruistic blogger ever. She reads brain-bleeding books and writes about them so others shouldn’t risk the loss of brain power. Alice also lent Stork Sad Pony for a day. Stork likes Sad Pony, but Alice needs him more.”
– Stork Hunter
“Alice, you are truly wonderful! In fact, I could go as far as saying that you’re lovely, wonderful, fantastic, georgous and stuff. (It’s the “stuff” that makes this saying work, I promise.)”
– faithhopechocolate
“Alice alice, bo balice, banana fana, fo phallus. Me my mo malice. ALICE!
Alice, the phallus with malice.
I’m just here for the open bar.”
– saradraws
Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Doggy’s Style who pointed out that there is not actually a blog for lepers. This should really be addressed. LepersRPeople2 you know. I am not mentioning Jen and Tonic who spoke of the dreaded clown’s camel ball on my press release blurb comment section. Bad, Jen. Bad, bad.