Merry and I discuss an bizarre old medieval tradition
The other day, Merry and I were chatting and she sent me a link cause we like to share philosophical ideas and shit. And this link was from Cracked.com. And we were INSPIRED. Check it out right here. In case you’re wondering which X-rated tradition really caught our eye, it was the bread women made with their vaginas. Of course it was. You didn’t read the article did you? We are NOT making this crap up. Cracked did it’s research (unlike most news media) and here is what they found from, no kidding, the Oxford freaking Index which is from like OXFORD, guys.
Anyone else feel like some bread right now?
Yeah, that’s right. Women would mold bread dough with their va-jay-jays and butts and then bake it. And here Miley Cyrus thinks she’s innovative. Not only would these women do bizarre things with their grain products, they would…
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Yeah, it’s back to school time, a time that is really only beneficial to retailers. Working parents hate it because they have no time. Stay-at-home parents hate it because they have a few minutes, between diaper changes, so hey go volunteer! Kids hate it – well because it’s school. I don’t care how cute the bulletin boards are, it’s gonna suck.
And, naturally, teachers hate it. They are the ones stuck with our children all day. So teachers have to give kids a hard time at the beginning so that they will know who is boss. Unfortunately, the scary warnings only work on the kids who would be good anyway. The troublemakers are just going to laugh, laugh, laugh and snort some cocaine off the page.
I kid, because my children go to suburban schools and everyone knows these students aren’t going to use plain old copy paper with their drugs, nor are they actively going to use them in front of the teacher. So since suburban teachers don’t have the truly horrible problems that teachers at some inner-city schools face (lesson one: stay alive through 7th period), they have to make them up.
Here’s an example. When Thing Two was in kindergarten, her teacher gave her detentions every day. It’s not that my little darling didn’t deserve many of them. I do understand that the angrily scribbled note “Child was in boy’s restroom screaming down the hall” is kind of hard to debate. But forgetting her lunch back in the classroom? Yes, she got one for that. At five. Two years out of diapers. Heck, I once forgot to pack her a lunch. Oh, I gave her the lunch sack, just no lunch. I can still imagine the child opening that empty sack to this day. Luckily I only received “Mom of Shame” for that one.
The thing with giving a detentions for a kid misbehaving is that it backfires. You were jumping around the classroom; now you miss recess! The – one time when the kid CAN jump? When you want them to jump until they collapse barely breathing and then you can actually tell them stuff? The detention defeats that. And giving detentions for something that isn’t even misbehavior is just as bad. You end up with so many, it is no longer really a punishment. Thing Two handed them to me like flyers.
I remember back in the day – the day before Internet kids – when teachers just saved those things for when kids really did something bad, like say punching another kid, or the teacher. Definitely deserved then. But the other stuff is just silly. And it doesn’t stop in kindergarten. Thing One brought home a paper for me to sign for her art class yesterday. It said “Any mechanical pencils left on the desk will result in a detention. No mechanical pencils!!!” Wow. I get that you use “special” (ie expensive) pencils for art, but what the heck did a mechanical pencil do to her? That seems a wee bit extreme. Either she hasn’t been at that school long, or she’s been there WAY too long.
A lot of the teachers seemed pretty harried, judging by the number of times they used ALL CAPS in their warning, er, welcome letters. I get that teaching is an incredibly hard job. Both my parents did it, and they got out of it into the library and counseling, respectively, which are also awful, but not quite as bad. I was an education major, and just ran altogether my senior year. But I wonder what they give detentions for in those really tough schools they feature in movies like “Dangerous minds.”
- No semi-automatic weapons on the desk. Please keep in backpacks.
- Do not leave heroin needles lying around. Clean up after yourselves.
- If you wish to start creating the next generation, please do so in the privacy of your own locker.
- Please reserve making plans to rob the 7-11 for study hall.
- Tattoos are for art class.
- Please save gang warfare for Physical Education class.
- No shanking in the classroom, unless it’s science class and it’s a frog.
- No spitting, shooting, stabbing, stapling, severing, or stomping your teacher
- Save cell phones calls to pimps for after class
- Absolutely no mechanical pencils.
I think that about does it. How is the school year going for you guys?
And the letters are F and U! Just kidding! No, it’s Merry’s birthday and she did a post for me, which means I should do one for her. My post-making has not been awesome lately, but you do what you have to do, even if it is literally on the day it’s due. So I made her a picture and stuff, cause I couldn’t even make the balloons on Facebook. I tried, but it kept trying to make me celebrate my OWN birthday, which I didn’t want to do again, especially when it was her turn. I hate Facebook and their stupid celebration stuff. Boo.
She’s 42 today! Which is awesome, cause that means she’s made it 42 years even with death and disease and terrorism and Trump! I mean, you think of ALL the things that could kill you literally any second and it’s amazing any of us are here! We could get run over by trucks today! Wait. This does not sound like a birthday post. Sorry!
In all seriousness, I do count Mer among my best friends because even though we haven’t met in person, like my other close friends, she has been here for me. Sometimes more than others can cause she’s on the other side of the screen all the time. Well, not all the time, I mean she goes to the bathroom and sleeps, but often she’s there. And she helps me through the day. Which is all any of us can do. What with genocide and hurricanes and all.
We met with a Fruitcake award, and made ourselves super heroes, and we are still hanging out, even if it’s on the web. So happy birthday to my Wonder Twin. And many more!
Saying we don’t have the Apocalypse! We can share a bunker!
Clutter is big right now. Or more specifically, decluttering which is not, according to WordPress, a real word. This should be a clue right there. I have tried to get rid of clutter, to no avail. (Once I tried for like 15 minutes). It seems like everyone has some tips on removing clutter, but has anyone come up with tips on how to use clutter? I don’t know, I haven’t researched, but I’m going to guess “No.” Well now they, er, I have!
Tips for Using Clutter
- Piled laundry (dirty or clean) makes a great cushion for your couch. If you put it in your car, it can be used as a booster seat.
- Trash can be used as art. Call it “Shabby Chic”.
- Time spent searching for lost items counts as exercise.
- By not washing your dishes or cleaning your refrigerator, you can grow your own medicine.
- Clutter can be used as a blockade in case of home invasion. Seriously, police told us at the library that our clutter could help block an active shooter. Yay us!
- Books on decluttering make great side tables.
- “What’s that smell?” is a fun and entertaining game for the whole family.
- By gathering up loads of random stuff, you can make your own ball pit for the kids.
- Piling things on top of your exercise machine keeps you from feeling guilty for not using it by blinding you to its presence.
- You life is full of surprises. What’s in that cabinet? Is it alive? Who knows!
So there you go! Lots of reasons not to remove clutter. If you still insist on getting rid of it, I have one great tip. Wait for the holiday season and throw all your clutter into those huge Christmas bags meant for bicycles and such. Then put a sign in front of your house saying “Rob Me.”
Anyone else have creative ideas for clutter?
If you’ve heard anything about the recent Republican Convention (I get my news from comedians – they are better fact checkers), then you know that Donald has been ripping off songs for his political campaign. This makes bands like Queen feel really stabby considering they hate Trump, and do not think he’s “the champion”, unless he means champion of a-holes. He’s also stolen “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” from the Rolling Stones, but it actually is a rather apropos song for him. We are definitely not getting what we want. No satisfaction here, man.
Now if this were any other Ann Coulter type jerk, you could ignore him, but this is a – dear God – viable candidate for president of the United States. There is no point in listing the awful things he has said. Better to simply make a list of the decent things he has said. It’s tiny. Like his hands.
But when I heard this song I’m about to show you, it just made total sense. “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel. Illustrated with pictures. I’m sorry, Peter, please forgive me.
I’m on my way, I’m making it
I’ve got to make it show, yeah
So much larger than life
I’m going to watch it growing
He’s referring to his hands uh hand here.
The place where I come from is a small town
They think so small
They use small words
He didn’t come from a small town, but he does know the little people because he employs them.
But not me
I’m smarter than that
I worked it out
I’ve been stretching my mouth
To let those big words come right out
Donald does love to talk about his degrees (I’m sure he did not have any help whatsoever) and how smart he is. Very smart. And he says he knows big words! Gonna build a wall. A big wall. A beautiful wall. Clearly an intellectual. And no one stretches his mouth farther than Donald.
I’ve had enough, I’m getting out
To the city, the big big city
I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys
There’s so much stuff I will own
He is definitely a big noise in the big big city, and has enough money to play with the “big boys”, especially those giving corporations, who are people, you know. And does he own stuff? Guys, he’s about to own the presidency of the United States. I joked earlier about him putting Trump on the White House in big letters but – look, just – look what he did at the convention and tell me this isn’t a realistic possibility.
And I will pray to a big god
As I kneel in the big church
My parties all have big names
And I greet them with the widest smile
Tell them how my life is one big adventure
And always they’re amazed
When I show them ’round my house, to my bed
I had it made like a mountain range
With a snow-white pillow for my big fat head
He has big parties, with big names, you guys, like wrestlers. Some call it a “convention” but clearly it was a party for Donald. There were huge balloons, lots of guys who appeared to be high on something, and it carried a very high chance of the cops being called.
People all over are amazed at Donald and his fancy house and his giant head. Adventure!
And my heaven will be a big heaven
And I will walk through the front door
You might get through the front door, Donald, but I don’t think you’re getting past security.
Big time big time
My car is getting bigger
My house is getting bigger
My eyes are getting bigger
And my mouth
My belly is getting bigger
And my bank account
Look at my circumstance
And the bulge in my big big big big big big big
Thank you greatly for not finishing that last line, Peter. So you see? What a great song I’ve ruined. One that used to sound over the top, but not now! Now it’s presidential!
Excuse me while I find my cave. I’ll require big white pillows for the screaming.
Any other songs you can think of that describe our candidates or the election in general? I’m thinking *”It’s the End of the World as We Know it” and “Highway to Hell” would be good choices.
*Wait Trump and Cruz both used that one already. Really.