50 Shades of Grey Recaps

Are you curious about this book that has turned some women into nympho pod people but turned off by the awful writing, stupid chracters, and oh yeah the total destruction of feminism?  Then do what English students the world over have always done.  Read the Cliff Notes instead.  Now with more Snark.

Below are links to the recaps.  Be prepared, reader.

50 Shades of Grey Matter Oozing From My Brain

50 Shades of Beating a Dead Horse

Wherein I decide to do something totally original like E.L. James, namely recap these awful books.

50 SoG Recap #1: Two Chapters Unto the Breech

Wherein I begin the journey into crap and use the search feature on my Nook.

50 SoG Recap #2: Vomitrocious

Wherein Ana looks at green men and blows chunks.

50 SoG Recap #3: Holy Batcrap!

Wherein Ana decides Christian is Batman and they look at Sexytimes Paperwork.

50 SoG Recap #4: The One with the Sexy Times!

Wherein Ana visits Christian’s Playhouse and they finally DO IT.

50 SoG Recap #5: Ana Meets Christian’s Package . . . and His Mommy

Wherein . . . read the title.

50 SoG Recap#6: Emails to James

Wherein the characters and I email the author.

50 SoG Question and Answer

Wherein I answer hot, groundbreaking questions.  Or something.

50 SoG Recap #7: Emails, Psychos, Riding Crops, and oh yeah a Graduation

Wherein there is more emailing and Sexy Times talk and Ana graduates.

50 SoG Recap #8: Whackings and Smackings for Ana

Wherein Ana rolls her eyes and Christian beats the snot out of her.  Romance!

50 SoG Recap #9: Pom Poms and Pap Smears

Wherein Ana gets an exam of her “down there” and we find out the author probably didn’t get to be a cheerleader.

50 SoG Recap #10: Meet the Parents!

Wherein Ana meets Christian’s family and his boathouse.

50 SoG Recap #11: Buttplugs on My Mind

Wherein Ana flies to Georgia and I start the “Grow Ana a spine” fundraiser.

50 SoG Recap #12: The One with the Tampon

Wherein . . . I just . . . why?  Why???

50 SoG Recap #13: It Ends and I Do the Happy Dance of Joy

Wherein Christian beats sense (temporarily) into Ana and the book ends.

50 SoG: Double Crap, Reflections!

Wherein I check out reviews of the turdsandwich on Amazon.

More 50 SoG? Yes. No. Who invited you to the Party?

Wherein I debate with my voices whether to recap the next books.

50 Shades of Hell?

Wherein I ponder whether 50 Shades is Satanic or just stupid.

50 Shades Dumber: The Interviews

Exclusive Interviews with Fictional People!

50 Shades Dumber Exclusive Interview: Taylor

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Ana

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Hugo, Maybe?

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Franco

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Inner Goddess

50 Shades Dumber Inteviews Dr. Flynn

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian’s Angels

50 Shades Dumber Interviews the New and Improved Christian

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Mrs. Robinson

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila. Again.

50 Shades Dumber Interviews the New and Even Worse Ana

50 Shades Rant

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Mrs. Jones

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jack “Snidely Whiplash” Hyde

50 Shades Dumber Interviews the Demented Duo

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jose

50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian’s Mommy

50 Shades Dumber’s Final Interview: Kate

50 Shades Dumber: Reflections on Stupidity

How LOW can you GO?

50 Shades Flunked: Schooling E.L. James

50 Shades Flunked: Back to School

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson One

50 Shades Contest Results So Far

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Two

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Three

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Four

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Five

50 Shades Flunked Contest Update

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Six

50 Shades of Extra Credit

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Seven

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Eight

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Nine

50 Shades of Christmas

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Ten

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Eleven

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Twelve

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Thirteen

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Fourteen

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Fifteen

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Sixteen

Why I Recap 50 Shades

50 Shades Special Edition: Mad Libs

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Seventeen

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Eighteen

50 Shades Flunked: Lessons Nineteen and Twenty

50 Shades Flunked: Lessons Twenty-One and Twenty-Two

50 Shades Flunked: Lessons Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four

The Final Chapter and . . . WTF???

86 responses

  1. So you’re saying it was better than Dickens?

    1. Dickens understood plot and basic grammar. I didn’t happen to like his plots, but at least his stories had plots. Also he didn’t use the words “Jeez” or “Double Crap.” In other words, he could actually write. This seems to be a lost art.

      1. Doesn’t the chick say “Arrrrrrrrrrgh!” when she has her cherry popped?

        1. Yeah, and several other times. She’s the dumbest pirate ever.

    1. That makes it worth it. I think. I’m a little insane now.

  2. I’m so ignorant on this topic – all I have heard is that it’s pretty much porn. I take it it’s not worth the read?

    1. Not unless you like really, really dumb porn and awful writing with your porn. Also encouraging abuse as twu luv, and the list goes on and on. It is almost irresistable to make fun of it. Well for me anyway.

      1. Well why not? I’d prefer a clever joke to a lame ass poke any day!

        1. Me too! There are definitely more lame ass pokes than clever jokes in that book. Wait, there are NO clever jokes in that book.

          1. Bahahaha..maybe we should all collaborate and write our own version…”50 shades of dismay”?

          2. That would be a truly epic novel.

  3. I love this entry as much as I loathed that book!!!! Awesome post!

    1. Thanks! Keep reading. I’ve got a whole cast of stupid fictional characters to interview. Good thing I lost my mind a while ago. 🙂

      1. Love. It. !!!! Seriously – please help me understand how that piece of garbage has become such a hot seller?? I like me some sexy sometimes, but it wasn’t sexy! It was pathetic.

        1. I keep asking that myself. Whyyyyyyy. Whyyyyyyy?????

          1. I know. I will NEVER get that time back again. But then again, I am now officially allowed to complain about the crap factor. So I’ve got that going for me.

          2. Yes. My blog is one big complain-fest.

  4. LoL LOVE your review I am so sick of hearing this book was AWESOME OMG crap is an understatement!

    1. Thank you. I prefer oh jeez double crap myself.

  5. Hahaha… I managed to avoid “fifty grades of shite”, I really enjoyed this though, priceless comments 🙂

    1. Thank you. I think your title is much more apt.

  6. Hilarious! I’d really like to do a “Fifty Shades of Pray” parody for my congregation but I’m afraid I’d be damned to hell.

    1. You could always talk about how Christian and Ana are minions of Satan. I’m fairly certain that’s true.

  7. 🙂 Made me laugh. Thanks for doing that. Don´t need to read it now. Well, I was never gonna read it anyway. But thanks all the same…

    1. You’re welcome. Maybe you could stop by and get me some brain bleach while you’re out.

      1. Ha ha. There´s a brand called fifty shades of white. I´ll pick some up for you.

  8. I haven’t read the books, and with your recaps I don’t think I need to. Thanks for making me laugh

    1. You’re welcome. I would definitely recommend avoiding them because after a while you blx eep okjikoxp[oi.

  9. I think I am one of the few humans who has not read these books, nor do I intend to. And now that I see your collective summary, apparently there is no need to. 😉

    But I will say this for the author–she managed to find something people globbed onto (why this is what they chose to glob onto, I have no idea). And I’m sure she’s laughing all the way to the bank.

    1. True. What’s funny is that I think she’s fooled herself into thinking she’s fabulous. I’m like, um, no. You’re rich, but you suck. J.K. Rowling is also rich, but doesn’t suck. There is a difference. Oy. I did read that at least part of the popularity was her building on the Twilight insane fan base (another one I don’t get ) while doing fanfic, then getting them to buy tons of her books, and dumping them when she was done. Also word gets around, and it’s an ebook, so no one has to see what they’re reading. Of course, that’s true of A LOT of racy books, so I don’t know. I honestly think some people just don’t read, so they finally do and however bad it is they think it’s awesome.

      I had an idea of comparing some brief bits (no spoilers) from your book to E.L. James’s book, you know, to show what you should do versus what you should not do. I thought I’d ask your permission first, though, of course. Still reading. When I am through, I will get a review out. 😀

      1. Thank you. I appreciate that. 🙂 And anybody who wants to talk about my book can have at it. I just hope I never end up in parodies like E. L. James…

        I’m still finding it odd to google my book and find reviews and such I didn’t know were out there. And today, I received an email from a guy in England whose writing group had read my book (which may be why it’s doing oddly well on Amazon UK), and he shared his thoughts with me. It’s a vulnerable feeling to hear others’ thoughts on my work, especially when I’ve grown as a writer since I wrote it and think I can mature and do better with the next one. So far it’s been all good other than some minor things (a typo here or there), but I keep waiting for the inevitable one- or two-star review. I think I’m going to blog about this vulnerability for my Monday post next week. Something I never thought about before I got published. But I never claimed it to be a literary work. I wanted to write a plot-driven novel that hopefully makes one want to keep reading. I hope I’ve done that for at least some readers. 🙂

        1. You’ve done it for me. That would be a good post. Now that you mention it, that must be a fear of mine as well. Not just being rejected by a publisher, being rejected by the public. That would be scary.

          I guess it’s baby steps. Just making my blog public was a huge step for me.

    1. aliceatwonderland | Reply

      Thank you. Makes reading this crap worthwhile!

  10. I figure anything as popular as this book is too popular for me. I’ve found I don’t think like other people, and so far have no interest in reading it. Perhaps I’m just too old?

    1. More like you’re just too smart. I’d rather not think like the people who like this book . . .

      1. That’s how it seems to me, too.

  11. good god, the tampon incident caught me out too. I read the first one as someone had left it in our room on holiday and I forgot my book, and then after that I felt compelled to read the other two, on the basis that everyone said the books were so amazing, and I had obviously missed something. Upon completion, I decided the only people who could possibly say it was a good book had clearly never read another book.

    1. That’s pretty much been my conculsion as well. Also that they aren’t quite right in the head.

  12. Holy crap, Alice! I have no points. Maybe I’ve missed too many classes. (Bumble Fail) Tsk tsk. I’m sorry, Professor. Professor? I absolutely love LOVE your squirrel story! Do I get any points?

    1. Of course. And you have so many more chances to raise your points because there are like . . . HOW MANY MORE CHAPTERS? OMG!!!

  13. Reading your replies to the commentators of this post crack me up. I think I am too ADD to follow the whole 50 Shades post here. I hated the books myself. I read them so my friend had someone to talk to about them. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    1. Actually being ADD might be a plus to reading my posts. I’m pretty ADD myself. My posts tend to jump up and down all over the place, and really, you can start anywhere because the books make no freaking sense and are so repetitive it’s like you are reading the same book over and over only somehow it gets progressively worse.

      1. I’d say lol, but I really am laughing. I think I will go ahead and hop to it then.

  14. I read a few of the posts now and love this. It is sooo true. I read the books out of pure curiosity. Could not understand how the same book could be scored a 5 and 1 on Amazon almost equally. People either love it or hate it. No in between. Towards the end i was speed reading over the sex scenes as it got really boooooring. I think you are right and that people who LOVE this book probably never reads anything at all.
    I’d say Run Alice Run, but I actually think she deserves what she gets 🙂

    1. Yup. The number of 5 star reviews . . . I know some of those must be true but it just doesn’t compute. There’s even fan sites. Be afraid.

      1. Very afraid! I even went on a date with a guy who read the books, and oh my word! I now have that as a shortlist question…Have you read 50 shades, if yes, I am NOT interested!!

        1. A guy? Yeah, definite deal breaker there. WTF.

  15. Popped over from Doggy’s. Hyped up pile of trash ( I did have to read it ) 🙂 ..lol but she’s the one laughing all the way to the bank.
    Mollie and Alfie

    1. True, she’s rich. But she’s still a crappy author, and she takes herself so seriously that it’s almost irresistible to make fun of her. Thanks for stopping by! I write about other crap besides 50 Shades I swear! 😀

  16. I thought I was a minority of one – good to know I have company!

    1. Oh, no, there are others out there! On Amazon there are a ton of positive reviews (I don’t understand, I just don’t) but there are just as many negative ones, and the negative ones are absolutely hilarious. I compiled just the titles of several of them in this post. Cracked me up. https://aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com/2012/08/18/50-sog-double-crap-reflections/

      1. Hilarious! I read the hype when it came out and it didn’t appeal. I’ve seen bits quoted and it had even less appeal. I then stopped looking at what was said about it – until now!

        1. The more I read the less I understand. And the more brain the cells I them lose . . .

  17. I am so glad I did not read this book. I did not know he beats her up? Just more cause to avoid it making anymore money than it already has. We women have enough to deal with without a modern porno taking us back many decades. Fun smack down.

    1. EXACTLY why this book ticks me off so much. I can just see those politicians saying “SEE, you guys LIKE this.” Ugh!

  18. Ohhh I need to come back waaaay more often now! You’re too funny 🙂

    I have no interest to read 50 Shades. The only bits I read where in an article that discussed its popularity. What I read made me cringe and I was like “Wait. What?!…”

    Can’t wait to read all you wrote so far!

    1. Thanks. I’m always glad to get new converts – er, readers! I feel the same way. Wait? What? That appears often in my reviews. 😀

  19. Why oh why are people reading it?! There are some fab well written and tasteful stories out there. Real romance without the abuse and craziness.

    Bring back Jane Austen. Or Nora Roberts (not that she has actually gone anywhere but her furst books were far better than the recents). Or even Shakespeare! 🙂

    xxxx

    1. I don’t get it. Who knew there was a market for books about abusive relationships of awful characters written in the style of a thirteen-year-old?

    1. Nice. I sure hope you’re not like Christian Grey. That guy is a psycho. I’m not sure why any woman would want to be treated like a dog, but whatevs. And showing it to your mom? Ew. I prefer to think of myself as adopted, thanks.

      1. I hear you! Unfortunately, or fortunately, some people get off on that.

    2. Ack! I clicked on your links and there are some people loving those books and oh nooooos! Okay, nice of you to have different perspectives. But arghhhhh!

      1. There’s always room for the next weird thing.

  20. What’s so great about the number 50 anyway? The best things in life come in 17s. Especially if they’re bananas or coconuts.

    1. Right! I love how the main character says he is fifty shades of fucked up and then his girlfriend calls him “fifty” as a nickname. So sensitive. 50 Shades of Fucked Up should be the full title.

  21. The book is such rubbish – barely read 2 chapters and couldn’t understand why such crap is being published and more annoyingly – being so popular!! Is this what our day and age has to offer ugh!

    1. I know. People said I had to read the books to judge them, but you can tell how bad they are in the first page. She writes like a 12 year old exposed to bad porn.

  22. I’ve never been more humiliated in my life. This book is an insult to humanity. Every single time people in the office talk about how amazing Christian Grey is, my teeth rattles(I literally do this to stop myself from crying for them) I never knew women want to be treated that way because I don’t. I mean, WTF REALLY?! They keep saying that it’s an amazing book and they love how it is well-written even the sex scenes don’t seem to embarrass them. What part is not embarrassing?

    Sorry for ranting here. My brain just cried. I haven’t read the whole book. I just read some parts and then my brain cried for the nth time.

    I shall read these recaps, it brightens my day. Maybe I’ll go read the book so I can slap people around me with their stupidity. Or I can just show these recaps to them.

    1. Ugh, I tried reading the recaps and telling people but noooo I couldn’t review it without reading it. Because you must eat a whole bucket of cow poop before realizing that it takes like poop. So stupidly I did. The is the worst book EVER.

      1. I take back my decision to read this poop. I tried and stopped after two pages because I realized that if I tried finishing the first book my brain would cry infinitely and it will hurt so much that it’ll probably explode. And it’s time wasted playing in a puddle of shit. I rather read your recaps, it’s funnier and makes my brain laugh.

  23. A fun post on a crappy, stupid book!

    1. Thank you! Glad to make crappy and stupid fun.

  24. This post is 50 Shades of awesome!!

    1. I’m blushing. Or is it flushing? 😀

  25. […] her read the recaps on AliceatWonderland’s blog and the recraps on Speaker7′s blog.  If The Idiot hasn’t changed her mind by that […]

  26. I wish I read this when you first posted it so I could just link to this site when people asked me what I thought of the book(s). (It’s more than one book, I seem to recall.). Your post and all of its links would have said it all for me. I also loved krisxkros’s comments.

    Based on many descriptions, it sounded pretty lame to me. I did not bother to even make an attempt to buy a copy.. More like disguised porn. Or is it someone’s fantasy novel in the same way that Lord of the Rings is fantasy? But this time the fantasy is not about good vs. evil. Nor is it inhabited by fairies and elves. It’s populated by sex-obsessed sado-masochists and the like.

    In the NY ‘burbs, my sister-in-law said most book club members disdainfully called it mommy porn trash.

    I wonder if some foolish Hollywood producer would be stupid enough to make a film out of it. I sure hope not!

    1. Sadly, yes, they are making a film. I just heard they were in the process of casting. Sadder still, I will probably review it. You know, for science . . . or something.

  27. You may be brilliant – or nuts!
    Either way, I’m proud to know you.

    1. Aw, thanks, Hook. And I think the answer is yes. 😀

  28. […] do).  this eventually led me to a few other sites, including Speaker7, Trevor at MommyPorn and Me, AliceatWonderland, and steamingpileoflit.  for a short, short version – one post per book – that still, […]

  29. […] are tons of straight recaps of Fifty Shades (each word is a link to a different recap).  There’s even […]

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