I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system. At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right? First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents. Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring. I wouldn’t go up against them.
You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions. He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers! And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on. So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc. It would work quite well for protestors. Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.
But what about a test? I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates? These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate. We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works. I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.
1.Do you use Twitter? Yes or No.
No equals 10 points. Yes is automatic dismissal
2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?
Yes equals 1o points. No equals no cookies for YOU.
3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?
A. Stoning people
B. Healing people
C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights
D. A great, big, beautiful flood
Answer C 10 points. That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.
4. What do you think of really tall walls?
A. We’re just another brick in it.
B. Walls gooood!
C. Why are we discussing walls again?
Answer A and C 10 points. 5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!
5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?
A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.
B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.
C. There are more than 2 amendments?
D. All of the above!
E. None of these are right, you moron.
A, B, C, D – no points. E 10 points. Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points
6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?
A. The GAYZZZ
B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!
C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.
Answer C. 10 points. No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all. Gawd.
7. Does Canada look really good this time of year? Yes or No.
Yes – 10 points. No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention. O points and no beer.
8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal? Yes or No.
Yes if you don’t get caught. 10 points. No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points
9. I don’t like the candidate for my party. What should I do?
A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party. Sure, why not?
B. Vote for a third party. Like the Unicorn party.
C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.
D. Throw a big temper tantrum.
Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada. 10 points.
10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?
A. As soon as the new president is elected.
B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.
Answer – C, C, C always go for C. 10 points
Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start. Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask? Let me know in the comments below!
Hi, all! You may not remember (I didn’t) but two years ago I wrote a post entitled “Ten Things to Do With a Picked Booger”. It wasn’t that impressive, booger-wise, just a top ten list. This post generated a lot of comments, as most of my highly intellectual posts do, but just the other day it got a new comment! I am always excited to see new comments, especially when they are like this one. I’m not even sure how to describe it. Let’s say it’s better than the comment on the Dragon Tail’s Review post in which I was called a “40-year-old farthead”. See for yourself!
This is my first response to dear Dorman. I have so much to say. First off, thank you for making a simple blogger very happy. I haven’t had such a good laugh in a while. Here are some other questions, off the top of my head.
- What exactly was your “random search”? Was it for boogers? Do you search the Internet looking for posts to grammar check? Specifically booger posts?
- Did you like my fragments there? Feel free to point out other errors. I will save them up in my heart.
- You realize this was a post about boogers, right?
- I do have advanced degrees. I have a B.A. and an M.A. in English and an MLS in Library Science. I like to collect degrees, then completely ignore them.
- Thanks for letting me know that I can improve my comedic timing with a couple of well-placed colons and apostrophes. I bet you are a laugh a minute: really!
- Do and not do not equal don’t. They equal “donot”, or using the proper English spelling, “donut”.
- You aren’t Shakespeare and, thusly, do not sally forth.
- My Corps of Creative Types can beat up your honor student.
If you think this comment was bizarre all by itself, then get ready. I showed this comment to a few people, and my old friend begged to answer it. Ravin’s response was, to my delight, followed by more responses by Dorman. Thank you so much for not just performing a drive-by grammar run. This is much better.
You can check the original post for all the comments at the bottom of the page, though they are unbelievably, and hilariously, long. We are talking my lawyer friend with the genius I.Q. versus a blogger who probably sleeps with a grammar text. This is the kind of thing you just can’t make up.
I do have some quotes I’ll use with proper quotations (or close enough). My friend informed Dorman that I had advanced degrees. Response: “George “Dubya” Bush has “advanced degrees”. You’re misinterpretation of my gentle nudge is sad, and likely testosterone-fuelled.”
I’m wondering how exactly ol’ (see what I did there!) Dorman knew my friend was male, much less infused with lots of testosterone. We’re talking a grammar argument here. These are not generally considered overtly masculine. I’ve never heard Arnold Schwarzenegger engage in one during a fire-fight. I’m not even sure what sex Dorman is, so I’ll just refer to Dorman with the pronoun “it” until I have confirmation.
Here’s some other good ones. Ravin suggested Dorman leave as we were all full up with crazy. Response: “You’re entirely correct: ’cause “aliceatwonderland” is waaaaaaaaaaay overstocked.” Thanks, Dorman! Crazy was exactly what I was aiming for, but you helped!
One last bit from my new friend.
I hope you, my readers, are properly educated by this post. If you glance at the old post, you’ll see that some of you were there! Ah, what a long, twisted, twisted road we’ve walked metaphorically. Anyhoo, please leave comments below. Hopefully Dorman will come back!
P.S. Dorman: My generation was not born with I-Pads and such. We were born in the mid 1970s, so I guess you could call us “flower infants”. How old are you? Congrats on mastering the keyboard!