Alice’s Thanksgiving Special 2013

Note: I was gonna put this up on actual Thanksgiving, like I do with most holidays, then I remembered you would all be drugged out on tryptophan or dodging death at the stores.  So here it is one day early!

I wasn’t sure if I could top last year’s festive Thanksgiving post in which I managed to mention tin foil turkeys, capitalism, and smallpox infected blankets all in one post.  I told the story of the first Thanksgiving, which I’m sure is totally true and stuff, so now I’ve got to think of something different to talk about but it’s Thanksgiving and let’s face it, no one really cares about that holiday.  Except that we get time off and good food but then we pay for it with having to see our families.

Well most people get time off, but not those in retail!  Nopes, that’s because there is a much, much more important holiday than Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.  It used to be on Friday, but people went insane, camping in front of stores for days on end, getting into fights, and just generally running amok all over the stores like they’d suddenly morphed into chimps high on crack.  So they moved it up to Thursday.  And now people camp outside, get into fights, and run amok (I like that word) like chimps on actual Thanksgiving instead of the Friday right after at two A.M.

These people have been here since last week.

Notice you never see decorations for Thanksgiving but you DO see Christmas stuff just as soon as Halloween is over?  That’s because Black Friday is actually the first day of Christmas.  Kind of like how Good Friday comes right before Easter, only it’s something evil rising this time.  I know you thought there were only twelve days, but you’re wrong.  There’s like up to six weeks of Christmas.  Joy, joy, joy!  I’m so THANKFUL.

Back when they had Black Friday on an actual Friday, I went with my friend L and her father in order to have the true Black Friday experience.  We stood in line in the cold early Friday morning, waiting for Target to open because there was something we wanted that was cheap and because we were out of our minds.  They opened the doors and kapow, people shot through the gates like racehorses.  One guy actually leaped over a couple of carts, and some jerk cut in front of us which was pretty brave considering L’s father is like 8 feet tall.  Fortunately, no one was trampled this time because then we would have had to cut our shopping trip short, like those poor people in Wal-Mart after that employee was killed. (Click to enlarge)

I can’t see how anything could go wrong here.

Only on Black Friday can you hear “Ronald, there’s a fight in electronics, please come.” on the loud speaker.  I missed the fight, but apparently it was over a camera.  We got our crap and then got into another line, this one wrapping around the inside of the store.  L’s dad isn’t the patient type, so he wandered around and found the jewelry counter with no waiting.  He called L’s cell phone and we hurried over to the jewelry counter and checked out lickety-split!  Then L’s dad announced loudly “Hey, no waiting at jewelry!”  The employees gave us the death stare, and we made the good decision to run.

You might be wondering what kind of stuff would be worth putting up with Black Friday or Thursday or whatever you want to call it.  Well look no further, because I have a list of some of the hottest items for Christmas this year.

Arghhh kill IT!

In case you didn’t recognize this freakish electronic thing, it’s a Furby.  They were big years ago but then died out but guess what?  They’re back!  The description reads “A whole new generation of Furby critters is about to hatch! Collect virtual eggs, hatch furblings. Get yours in time for Christmas 2013!”  Eggs?  Hatching?  Furblings?  Be afraid.

Maybe try Legos.  Those seem innocent enough.

Look, an educational museum – let’s rob it!

This Lego set is called Lego City Police Museum Break-in.  Because it’s never to early to teach your children a life of crime!  Granted you’re supposed to have the cops capture the robbers, but I know I’d totally have the robbers getting away, because that’s just the kind of gal I am.

But Legos require some imagination, and let’s face it, that crap is highly overrated.  Try this instead.

It’s the new Wii PS Xbox 14, just in time to be out of date next month!

For all the children who are into electronic gaming, we have the latest whatever it is!  This system allows you to play all the best games like Call of Heavy Duty Theft Killzone.  In order to satisfy demand, stores will issue exactly six of these each.

For the professional in your life – even if we’re talking professional couch potato – look no further than Apple.

The iPhone 10 . . . or whatever.

At last we’re getting into what adults will like (because we know adults never play video games).  At least, I hope that only adults have a phone that costs over 600 dollars.  But it’s totally worth it, cause this phone can do everything from file your taxes to raise the dead.  There is nothing Apple can’t do – and charge ten prices for!

But maybe you’re stumped about a gift for a lady in your life.  Look no further than amazon for this treasure!

Words cannot describe how perfect this gift is.

What I love about this is that not only is it an apron – cause what woman wouldn’t want a reminder of the need for cooking in a Christmas gift? – but also gives her the body her husband has always coveted in this busty, scantily clad super heroine.  I searched “gifts for women” on amazon, and honest to goodness this was one of the first things to come up.  Awesome.

So enjoy your turkey and stuffing, then lace up your shoes and prepare for battle!  Or you could suggest to your family that everyone just give each other the gift of LOVE this Christmas.  Either way, be prepared to run.