That Santa is messing with the wrong girl. I decided to send him a friendly-type reminder via email.
From: Alice the Terminator [alice@wonderland.com]
To: Santa Jerk [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: What blinks red and poops glitter?
Santa Fatty,
Forgot to mention one little thing. Ding ding. That’s the sound of a reindeer harness. I have the best new flashlight ever. Also, a great lawn ornament. The most realistic on my block. Just sayin’.
Ooh, look, and here’s a picture:
Feelin’ lucky, Santa?
Looking forward to my Noo-Noo. Hint, hint.
Alice
P.S. It was way too easy to hack into your Facebook, Santa. “Ho, ho, ho” is a really lame password. Anyway, you are now friends with E.L. James. F.Y.I.
aliceatwonderland 
Blackmailing Santa again are we? I want in!
Totally. Just wait – Sad Pony appears in my schemes next post. If anyone is reading that is – I think people are actually like, having lives or something. What is up with that?
Ugh. People and their “lives”. I’ll definitely be here for Sad Pony!
…Oh right, for you too Alice.
But mostly for Sad Pony.
Oh, Alice, you are truly brilliant™ and fantastic™!
Thank you! Do not forget insane™
I was being diplomatic™.
We don’t do Santa in our house, but if we did I’d totally be blackmailing him together with you. Your blackmails are awesome.
Stick with me, and I’ll give ya a cut. Wink, wink.
Santa Fatty! You’re hilarious. That’s a flashlight that will last forever! Considering its origin is nuclear.