Fuuuuuck: Or How I Got to Work This Morning

Fuck off, Sunshine

Fuck off, Sunshine

Yeah, so I was gonna try to be all positive this morning, right?  What the hell was I thinking?  Positive?  It’s only Tuesday.  The kids started back to school yesterday, which means “back to school traffic from Hades!”  Also means, wake up the children out of zombie states without falling into one yourself.  Also, that the oldest kid is hacking like a dying moose so probably needs allergy testing that will cost half a fortune and the other kid smiles with teeth out of place that will probably cost the other half of a fortune in braces and OMG THE JOY NEVER ENDS.

This is before I actually started my car, of course.  We make it okay to the elementary school.  I don’t see any of those cars with the flipping families on the back, which means I do not have to envision slicing their tires to ribbons while they take twenty minutes to wish their half dozen kids goodbye at the door, because they had to walk them to the door.  That way they left their car blocking yours.  But no, that didn’t happen, so score!  One kid dropped off.  Now all I have to do is get to the high school, which is now the junior high because they demoted my high school and drop off my newly minted junior high student.  She looks thrilled.  The humidity is awful, so she also has her little white girl afro goin’ on.  I don’t tell her this.

We get to the high school and I have this brilliant idea.  I will drop her off at the side of the school, so she won’t have to cross a street AND a parking lot full of equally pissed off parents (why can’t she drive already I mean GAWD isn’t 13 old enough nevermind then I’d worry about her driving let’s up the age to at least 21).  So I’m like technically on the wrong side of the road, but it’s just a second to drop her off on the curb but FUCK here comes a line of cars.  One after another after another after another and all of them giving me FUCK YOU looks because I’m on the wrong side of the road and I’m like I KNOW but you won’t let me out you bastards!  I mean, let’s be reasonable here.  Jeeez.

So I finally get out and decide to drive into the parking lot and poor Thing One is still hacking and her fro is expanding and I feel so bad for her so I’m hugging her and she’s like whatevs cause mostly she’s just so tired because school and I finally let her go and realize there is a car behind me going wtf lady quit blocking my way and GO what is wrong with you?  Heh, uh, sorry.  So I drive out of the parking lot and into the sun.  Not literally into it, but it feels like it cause I am now driving blind.  Yay!  Fuck you, sun.

I am not paying much attention because Sun and Pissed and I end up where?  The elementary school where I just dropped off Thing Two which is now packed with insane parents.  FUCK I’m an idiot.  So I wait again through traffic and take multiple turns in order to find a light cause no way am I taking my chances getting across and did I mention I live in a supposedly small town?  But there is a university, where I am now trying to go sense I’m supposed to work there, and there are people trying to get out of this town in both directions to go work at other towns that are more exciting.  So I am stuck in the middle.  Every morning.

Oh, yeah, and I mentioned this in a post way back in whenever that our parking situation sucks because they decided to make it “open parking” which is like “open season” only with cars instead of guns, although this is Texas so I’m not ruling that out.  And so I drive around and around looking for a spot.  Fun times I tell you.  Fuuuuuuck.  I am so tempted to park in the reserved parking of the uppity ups.  If only I knew I was getting laid off that day.  Oh, well, I find a spot a mile away and trudge off to work where I get there right on the dot.  I woke up at 6 AM and it is now 8 AM and work hasn’t started and I want to murder someone.

Just another typical day.  Good morning, Alice!

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42 responses

  1. Another day in paradise, Wonder twin. Oh, the joy.

  2. For the record, my “like” on this post is an empathy like. I only have one kid and made sure to move in walking distance of his school because of the mess I went through with his elementary and middle school years.

    1. Good idea. Actually within walking distance of one school but there’s a highway to cross and an unreliable crossing guard so . . . eh.

  3. Sounds like someone has a case of the Monda- uhhh … Tuesdays! Seriously, I always thought Tuesdays sucked more than Mondays on the basis that you’ve likely already come down from the weekend yet there’s so much more of the week to go. But hey, at least you got it all over with at the beginning of the day, right? Can’t get worse! Maybe?

    I feel for your kid too. At her age I had both the afro and terminal snaggleface. Imagine Johnny Bravo before he started working out, minus the sunglasses and cool attitude.

    1. Oh, lol, Office Space ref for the win! I am concerned about the snaggletooth – ugh do not want her to have braces. I did and it sucked.

      At least I got to work in one piece. It’s a miracle sometimes.

  4. I had no clue that tuesdays can be as bad as mondays – I hope you will have a much better wednesday :o)

    1. Yes, well it’s hump day. Why does that sound dirty?

  5. I don’t know what to say except FUUUCK. That really sucks.

  6. Texas? I’m from Texas, but I live in Maine.

    Oh, yeah….

    Fuck.

    1. I hear that most of the population up there doesn’t have a pickup with a gun rack on it. Tell me your stories . . .

      1. A “Gun Rack” up here is a chick with a pair of 38s.

  7. Good morning, Alice. I hope your day improves! The parking lot at my kids’ school makes no sense with a crosswalk right smack in the middle of the drop off. Why?? It slows everything down, kids are at risk of getting run over. Whatever! I don’t make the rules!!!

    1. That makes total sense. I believe we have one of those too. And the pick up is even worse. One of the few reasons I’m glad I work till 5 pm. Oh DARN I can’t pick them up.

  8. At least your car started and kept going. I thought you were going to end your post stuck on the “freeway” (whatever that is, I’ve heard it mentioned in films).

    1. I was actually waiting for that to happen. It would have been perfect.

  9. Screw the sun. I’ve had enough of it.

    1. Yeah, where does it get off providing all that light and stuff?

  10. I approve this rant.

    1. I approve that you approve. This message brought to you by Alice.

  11. Sweet baby jesus!
    And here I am complaining about the construction going on in my building and the street that they closed on my way to work (I don’t drive, but I still complain). I live 5 minutes walk from my office, but I somehow refuse to leave the stress from The City behind. There goes Leo on his way to work “fuck off you idiot!” “You dumb lady and your big ass umbrella, move damn it!” “Move it or lose, yeah, you with the baby cart!.
    Hope tomorrow treats you better.

    1. Walking people can annoy you too. Like how they just stop. Not even talking to someone, just stop, right there, blocking the way. Yello, move over, asshat. And women with strollers – look I was there, but I had a normal stroller not one of those as big (and pricey) as a small car. You should not take up an entire sidewalk with your stroller.

  12. I never know how to react to Alice Rage. I feel like I should be hiding under my desk right now.

    1. Good idea. I’ll cut a bitch. 😀

      1. I know!

  13. Not sure which is worse on a university campus – open parking or having to pay $314 per year for a “hunting license” in the covered parking garage. Hmmm…

    1. Oh, we still have to pay for a hunting license, but at least it’s not that much. Good golly.

      1. It’s bullshit. And since I have a garage pass I can’t park in surface lots.

  14. At first I thought you wrote: “if only I knew I was getting laid that day.”
    either way, I can relate to everything.

    There is NOTHING that will send my blood pressure skyrocketing than the sheer terror that is the line of parents dropping off their kids for school. Once, my minivan actually broke down and stalled in the MIDDLE of the half-circle area and parents behind me were pissed, honking horns at me. I was like, I’m trying to start it! Should I get out and push the goddamn car?! Finally, it restarted but damn, I guess everyone else is just as stressed as I am. Everyone just wants to dump their kids off and run like hell.

    1. OMG, the exact same thing happened to me, only it never restarted. Fortunately they helped push me over and my father lives in town and came to help me. But yes, total embarrassment.

      Getting laid would be okay too. I’m surprised I didn’t leave off the off in some Freudian slip.

  15. I could be wrong, but I believe you might have put an extra ‘u’ or two in ‘fuck’. This has been a visit from your friendly, neighborhood grammar police, here to make your day more enjoyable.

    1. I definitely want to get all my fucks in a row. Thanks, Revis.

      1. I’m here to help….or annoy. I can’t really remember which.

  16. Welcome back to school…fuckity fuck.

  17. Ouch. If I have kids of my own, and the drop-off parking situation is anything like yours, I’m teaching them to ride a bike.  Sorry, I feel bad admitting that I don’t have any kids to drop off, (and that I also commute against the traffic), but I feel safe that if you ever feel like murdering me, you’d probably never get out of your city traffic to get to me.

  18. Happy happy happy! I feel your pain. Just wait until your kids get to High School and you not only have to deal with crazy parents – but even more crazy new drivers. The joy never ceases.

  19. Ah the sun. My daily foe, I shake my fist at thee! My home and work are directly west/east of each other… and every morning I stare into the sun on my way to work, and stare into the sun on my way home from work. Good. Times. Well, I assume they are because I can’t actually see if they are or not. And while I don’t have to deal with school traffic around my house I do get the joy of field worker traffic – cars packed to the gills full of workers, going under the speed limit, not obeying stop signs, thinking the dashed lines between lanes are really only suggestions, and stopping every 50 feet or so to figure out if that is the field they are working each day.
    And to think I have the joy of figuring out how to get the little prince to school at some point amongst that madness too? I’m beside myself with joy. JOY! (Just Off me alreadY)

  20. Those family stickers on cars are almost as annoying as people who dress their cars as reindeers over the Holidays. I’m just lucky Australia’s gun laws are quite strict otherwise i’m sure I would have shot some people by now

  21. Whatever happened to walking to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways, dodging minivans with “My Child Is An Honors Douchebag at Benedict Arnold Elementary School”?

  22. At least you remembered what happened. I’ve had mornings where I’ve driven to work completely on auto-pilot and arrived at the office (back when I was working an hour’s drive away from where I lived) having absolutely no memory of how I got there…

  23. If there is a university in existence that does not have a nightmare parking situation, I wanna go there! I also loved being stalked when I’m walking to my car after class, it’s like a bunch of buzzards circling me for my spot. Just thinking about my university’s parking makes my blood pressure rise! I’m glad I’m not alone!

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