Condiment Sex Ed: Revisiting Blue’s Clues

So the other day the girls and I were discussing how salt and pepper reproduce.  Yes we were.  Don’t look at us, this happened in a cartoon – FOR CHILDREN!  Blue’s Clues, to be exact.  Now I touched on this weirdness in my review quite a while back (LINK DROP) but it still bugs me, because I think about this kind of stuff instead of say, world peace.  One thing is for sure, world peace ain’t never gonna happen while condiments are allowed to party in the kitchen cabinet while you sleep.

So what am I talking about exactly?  If you guessed Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper and their spice spawn, then I’m really sorry, cause that means your brain is storing the same useless information as mine is.

Oh, the horror.

Oh, the horror.

A brief summary of Blue’s Clues.  There’s this mentally challenged guy named Steve or Joe, they’re pretty much interchangeable, and he has a dog named Blue.  She can’t talk so she gives “clues” using paw prints.  Now the weird thing about this is that while the dog can’t talk, practically everything else can.  Soap, a side table drawer, a shovel and pail, possibly Steve’s underpants, and of course the salt and pepper shakers.  Who are married.  Of course they are.


But that’s not all.  Oh, no.  Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper have a BABY.  Her name is Paprika.  I can’t for the life of me figure out the logistics of this – there’s just too many holes.  I mean, in the lids.  Besides that, I’ve tried combining salt and pepper together and I do not get paprika.  Thing One found a video that discusses why they made Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper talk and not Blue, and how they wanted to teach kids about getting younger siblings and . . . wait, what?  That’s right.  It happened AGAIN.  They had another baby named Cinnamon.  I think this is getting out of hand.  In this video Neil DeGrasse Tyson – yes the astrophysicist – asks why Blue can’t talk and Paprika, the inanimate object, can.  Pay special attention to 1:12 in the video for something really whack.

It’s not just the salt and pepper having funsies, you guys, nope.  If you look at the frame below, you can clearly see  what looks like a baby mayo, ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, and I have no idea what the green one is – guacamole?  Who knew this could happen?  And if it can, why on earth do we go to the grocery store?  Why not just breed our own condiments?

salt and pepper

This cannot be happening.

I’ll tell you why. Because it’s just WRONG, that’s why.  If we allow this marriage of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, who knows what will be next?  Col. Mustard and Mrs. Ketchup making their own special sauce?  I don’t think so.  That’s why I have all my condiments and spices spayed or neutered, and you should too.  And never, ever let your salt and pepper stay in the same cabinet, not unless you really need a new spice rack in the next few months.

Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper offer up so many other questions.  Like, when you refill the salt shaker, is that like a blood transfusion?  If it runs out of salt and you wait too long, does the shaker die?   What about if the spice inside the shaker passes the expiration date?  Is that like old age?  If so my spice rack is a freaking morgue.  Thing Two claims a friend of hers actually buried an empty salt shaker after exposure to Blue’s Clues.  Really, people, we must think about the CHILDREN.  I can’t believe Fox News hasn’t picked up on this smut we’re showing to our impressionable youth by now.

Also, try not to think about what Steve and Joe do with that poor living Soap.  No – no, not there!!!!

This disturbing PSA brought to you by Alice and her Things.


34 responses

  1. I’m also not sure how Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper have a baby, but I assume it involves screwing their lids off. Also, does Doctor Pepper know that his wife is having babies with Mr. Salt? Finally, I thought it’s not possible to have a baby if you use a condiment.
    (Ok, I’m out of puns now)

    1. O-M-G, loving the puns and the double entendre. I didn’t think about Dr. Pepper, but I did wonder if Mr. Salt was carrying on an affair with Sugar, that little tart. If he comes home smelling sweet, Mrs. Pepper has him!

      1. Well, I don’t really watch the show, so I can’t tell if there’s something going on between Salt and Sugar. But if it does, Mr. Salt will be in trouble, because he can’t really take a shower to wash off that sweet smell.

        1. Everyone knows that Paprika is actually the child of Mrs. Salt and Mr. Pepper’s brother, Red. She retaliated for that affair Mr. Pepper had with Mrs. Dash, the neighborhood hussy. The scandal is unspoken, but everyone knows.

          1. The gossip’s all over the spice cabinet by now.

  2. Creepy, just plain creepy. I mean honestly, what is a woman like that doing working on a kid’s show? Should she be getting it on with a pole and have sleazy old men tuck dollar bills in her granny panties?

    1. And when she’s done with that, she can get a spot on Fox News!

  3. Lol. You’re always tackling the big questions, Alice.

    1. I try. It’s nice to know that astrophysicists do too. I mean, he understands the cosmos, but talking paprika is beyond him.

  4. I blame Obamacare. I realize that Blue’s Clues predates Obamacare, but I feel it must be said. Also I take umbrage at the notion that Steve and Joe were interchangable. Joe was a stain on humanity whereas Steve was an angel.

    1. I always thought Joe was cuter, if just as stupid. But yes, you have a great point about Obamacare. I certainly do not think we should have to pay for condiment birth control. They should just shut their lids.

  5. Noxema Queens Mum | Reply

    Joshua pointed out soap is a girl and so who would object to a girl touching his balls? Sadly for me he went into much more detail- I will spare you the details. This from the kid who used to be terrified that soap would make his penis fall off! Oh the mind of a 13 yr old boy… When broached about the possibility of the soap being a boy he said it would sure explain a lot about Steve but that soap had to be a girl because Brown would have already written articles about how the show was sending our babies to hell and he was surprised they hadn’t caught onto to the biracial couple thing. You will be happy to know my Asperger son is mastering sarcasm if not the idea that talking to your mom is about hand jobs is not socially acceptable!- plus he is a lot less conservative than he used to be- thank goodness!

    1. Joshua is a young man after my own heart! There’s nothing like overthinking something. I just wonder if Soap really gave her consent. That could be a problem. Also, when he uses her up, does he just go on to the next soap, and the next? First Dove, then Irish Spring . . . the possibilities are endless.

      And I don’t even have Asperger’s.

  6. Way to go Blue! Teach little kids that it’s ok not to talk. Instead, they can point and leave clues to get what they want. And getting the Cosmos guy to ask why paprika talks wasn’t awkward at all.

    1. It totally wasn’t forced or anything. I’d have loved to hear his explanations for the show instead of that lady’s. Maybe it signals that a comet is about to crash into our planet.

  7. You know what started all this? It used to be a common practice to throw a pinch of salt over your shoulder for luck. Apparently this small but regular gesture was reducing the sexual energy of Mr. Salt enough that he no longer showed any desire for Mrs. Pepper. This “release” was a natural libido adjustment. And now that we modern humans have stopped that habit, all hell has broken loose in the condiment cupboard. The other condiments are naturally shy until they see Salt and Pepper getting it on, and then they follow suit. These old wives tales always have a nugget of truth in them and now we have broken the natural balance of condiments. It is all our fault.

    1. Haha! Someone should have filled up Mr. Salt, and if things were still full after four hours, taken him to the emergency room.

      This is so much twisted fun. Thanks, Blue’s Clues!

  8. I used to watch Blues Clues every fucking day with my daughter…and the day that Paprika was born…I cried vinegar….or was it canola oil?

    1. I hear you can catch more honey with vinegar – I mean, like all the time, sheesh.

      1. I read this to Tom, he’s on vacation…he’s trying to get the salt and pepper to mate, we need some garlic powder.

        1. Good luck. He might have to try some Italian pepper to make it work.

          1. O solo mio….

  9. I wonder what happens if you accidentally put pepper in the salt shaker? Though I guess salt has already been in pepper 😉
    Maybe they’ll have another baby called Strychnine who’s a real psycho.

    1. I LIKE that. Could make the show more interesting. Like WHO did Strychnine poison Blue? Blue? Are you choking?

  10. This is horrific. A salt/pepper mutant. I fear an invasion.

    1. Night of the Living Condiments.

  11. It was the outrageous French accent that started it all.

    My Lord, I haven’t had to sit through an episode of Blues Clues in many years. I saw the live production (right after the live productions of Bear in the Big Blue House and The Wiggles). Are they still around? I have to go listen to Christmas songs or commercial jingles to try and get these out of my head.

  12. holy cow, I’d forgotten about that show! My kids used to watch it, and I always wondered why the original Steve was replaced. I heard he was in a band…..or depressed….or both. Ahhh, the eccentric lives of actors.

    the vid was hilarious and sort of creepy at the same time. The fact that they try to validate their story line with actual logic is hysterical. Suuuuure, condiments should bump uglies and procreate so human kids can learn about family systems. That makes total sense. *takes another hit off joint*

  13. “Col. Mustard and Mrs. Ketchup making their own special sauce?” Bahahaa! You crack me up, Alice!
    Now that I think about it, my salt and pepper shakers live with the chilly and mint shakers. Do you think that chilly and mint are the kiddos, or are these inappropriate-for-PBS living arrangements? I’m never looking at them the same again

    1. I think it means Mrs. Pepper’s been getting around the spice cabinet, if ya know what I mean.

  14. It’s a show made for little kids. The aim is not to entertain adults. So I think it’s Wrong for Adults to find details and start turning it into adult material. I guarantee these toddlers aren’t trying to think about how salt and pepper make babies. Or Steve, Joe, and now Josh using slippery soap to wash themselves.
    This is a great show that not only entertains little ones, but also educates.

    1. Thanks, Marie! I dedicated my newest post to Viewers Like You! 😀

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