My MLS Degree: An Experiment in Abnormal Psychology

Master of Information!  See?  I'm important!

Master of Information! See? I’m important!

As most of you know, I work at a university library. Before I got there, I was a public library underling who worked for a boss some employees nicknamed “Satan”.  Since librarian seemed like a great career choice at the time (I was smoking something), I jumped at the chance to enter a cohort of public librarians who were given a a “free” online degree.  The same grant also allowed us to attend three library conferences.  It sounded like a really great opportunity.  Then I found out my evil boss was also in the program.  And stuff went downhill from there.

I happened to keep a log of my time in the program.  The other day I stumbled upon it, and thought it might serve as a warning to others.  I put it into four parts.  Here’s part one.

I will not detail the joy that was getting into the program in the first place since no one really understood or kept to the rules and procedures (first warning).  Also, I’ll forgo explaining the trials and tribulations of getting enrolled in a university from a distance of over six hours travel compounded by the fact that at this particular university the right hand not only didn’t know what the left hand was doing; it didn’t know that there was a left hand.  I’ll just start with the first part of the program – our orientation in Denton.

I'm excited.  What could go wrong?

I’m excited. What could go wrong?

Orientation Ahoy (January 2008)

·         I make plans to attend orientation with another student from the program.  My certifiable (and I don’t mean degrees here) boss informs me that she too has been accepted into the program and has decided to join us on the six hour car trip.  My coworkers begin penning my obituary.

·         My mother steps in and offers to carpool with me and visit her sister while I’m in the meetings.  She is immediately promoted to sainthood.  My boss expresses (repeatedly) her disappointment in not getting to torture me for hours in a trapped space.

·         I arrive in Denton and have no idea where to go.  I find others who also don’t know.  Little do I know that this will become a pattern from now on.

·         Eventually, we find where to meet.  First off is a “fun” activity involving asking people dumb questions about where they’re from etc in order to be eligible for some prize.  Or something.  I forget now.  But I said screw it and didn’t complete mine.  We are also given nice red bags with our group title on it (though no one can remember what it stands for already) and neato folders and a binder.  I love free stuff.  At this point, I still don’t realize that nothing is ever free.

·         We go to a room with lots of computers.  Dr. M, who seems like an intelligent, amiable individual explains the program. Dr. J, the dean, also speaks to us though we have trouble seeing her over our desks.  We then meet the faculty who deviously appear to be normal humans.  We experiment with computers and the faculty rapidly discover just how technologically stupid the majority of us are.  Dr. M. begins debating early retirement.

·         We meet our pseudo-mom graduate assistant Cherri who plies us with chocolates, most likely laced with something that turns the majority of the group into Stepford Librarians.

·         I’m pretty sure this is where we were first introduced to the concept of “mentors”.  I wonder if they will be training us to be Jedi (help me Obi Wan!) but it turns out they only want to train us to be librarians which is strange since most of the cohort already work as library directors.  Maybe they’ve been doing it wrong all this time.  We meet Dr. G. who has been specially brought here for her expertise in Jedi – er – librarian mentor stuff.

·         We go to the hotel.  I am roomed with another cohort.  They apparently think we are from a very different sort of group because they give us one bed.  Some of the group members have trouble finding their names on the reserve list.  Obviously this is the fault of those silly hotel people.

·         The next morning, the program heads discover there is no free breakfast (totally not their fault either) and so arrange for free full breakfasts for our group.  The hotel room is really nice as well.  Welcome to my parlor, says the spider to the fly!

Hee hee hee oh . . . oh it said annals . . .

Hee hee hee oh . . . oh it said annals . . .

First Spring Semester (Jan – May 2008): The Horror that is Blackboard (Bb)

·         First one bites the dust.  One student quits immediately following orientation.  Naturally she is a member of my “group”

·         I discover there is group work.  In college.  With fellow students miles apart.

·         Except one student – my boss – who is rapidly resembling the Evil Queen from Snow White.  Guess who’s the stepchild?

·         I am put in her group.  Someone in the program hates me.

·         Our first professors are Dr. M. and Dr. B.  Dr. B., who has a fantastic personality in person, has no personality online.  In fact, he repeatedly ceases to exist leaving us to the mercy of his grad assistant, George “Cut and Paste and Good Luck” Yi.

·         No one understands how to use Bb (our online classroom).  What’s with all the links?  Why have so many links that don’t go anywhere and some that go everywhere at once?  Why isn’t homework just put under a homework tab?  Why don’t the links work?  What planet am I on?  We ask George who cuts and pastes the original instructions that no one understands.

·         Eventually, we figure out that Bb is another word for “scavenger hunt”.  Several people have their first nervous breakdowns.  Cherrie becomes chief psychiatrist as well as grad assistant.  She starts counting the days till she graduates.

·         The message board fills to the brim and resembles the Internet at large.  Roughly 1 percent of posts have to do with anything remotely important.  The rest is crap.  You have to click on every one to figure out which is which.

·         I learn that many of my classmates got their bachelor’s degrees from Cracker Jack boxes.  Some don’t understand basic punctuation or grammar.   And naturally, these people are all in my group.

·         The cohort discovers the joy of Wiki and start pages with cell phone numbers and birthdays.  One student begins celebrating our birthdays whether we like it or not with posts on the cohort board.  We all say happy birthday to each other.  Over and over.  This student ends up having to congratulate herself because no one else ever reads the Birthday Wiki but her.

I      A fellow student and I bond over bad bosses (she calls hers “Dead Alien Soul Boss”).  In order to combat the insanity, we take it upon ourselves to entertain the class with our wisecracks on the message boards.  My boss sneers “They sure do think you’re FUNNY, Alice.”  I detect a definite hint of green to her skin.  Heh.

·         My elder daughter spends two nights in the hospital with dehydration.  (My pediatrician says she dehydrates faster than any kid she knows.  Yay, we’re number one!)  I email my professors with the situation.  Dr. B. replies roughly a month after she’s released.

They have booze here!  And books!  And booze!

They have booze here! And books! And booze!

·         First TLA meeting!

        I wriggle out of another carpool offer with Senora Psycho and book my plane as soon as possible.  I have to dig the money out of savings, but hey, we’ll get stipends as soon as we get there that will pay us right back.

·         We discover that to use the stipends, you have to go to a bank.  In Dallas.  Guess how many people have banks in Dallas?

·         At TLA, we find out another one bit the dust.  Sherri has left.  I’d have at least taken the free trip on them first.

·         Some worry about homework and actually attempt to do it while there.  I take part in a first mutiny of people who refuse to do squat the entire time.

·         I discover that our food stipends are to pay for real food, not conference and hotel food.  At 25 bucks for breakfast alone, I find myself eating so much granola I nearly turn into a squirrel.

·         Boss lady (fellow cohort!) decides to play “nice” which makes her even scarier.

·         Who cares about the actual conferences (except Dave Barry who was awesome)?  70 percent of my time I spend in the exhibit hall grabbing every free book in sight until I am loaded down like a deranged bag lady.  I don’t even like half of the books, but they’re free!  Also, the exhibit hall is a good place to hide from you-know-who.

·         20 percent is spent in line getting book autographs.

·         5 percent eating – mostly granola, but also free nibbles at the parties.  There are no free drinks, but plenty of open bars.  I mean absolutely everywhere.

·         4 percent in the actual sessions

·         1 percent sleeping.  Why the heck did they give us actual hotel rooms anyway?

·         Oh, also we meet our mentors for the first time.  Except for the cohort whose mentor dropped out.  But it’s okay, cause they will soon fix her up with another.  Who will also drop out.

·         I discover that things like taxi fare and parking are not included in the travel stipend I cannot access until I get home.

·         We survive the rest of the semester, and then cry when we realize that there are 5 more to go.

       To be continued . . .



29 responses

  1. Sounds like every “educational conference” I’ve ever attended.

    1. An education in stupidity, as only a college can do!

      1. Seems I learn things they never intended me to at these things….like how inordinately uncoordinated and stupid the people who organized them are.

        1. Oh, yeah, and we’ve only just got started here . . . they get even better.

          1. Yay! I love laughing at stupidity. Until I don’t, anyhow.

          2. Yeah we had a lot of stupidity over those two years to laugh at . . . enough for a lifetime.

          3. Seems we never run out of stupidity, sadly.

          4. That’s why we have politicians and administration, to keep us well supplied.

          5. I know. I almost wonder how much better anarchy would serve us.

  2. I refuse to travel for work anymore, pretty much for those reasons. And I hate to fly, and nothing interesting is ever held here.

    Your references to Blackboard amuse me. I’m the primary faculty support person for Blackboard on our campus. And you’re totally right – they can fuck that shit up six ways from Sunday if they don’t pay attention to what they’re doing.

    1. Oh, man and did they ever! I don’t blame the program; it’s the morons using it. Some teachers later on actually knew what they were doing and had it organized in a logical fashion. Other teachers should never, ever be allowed an online classroom. EV-ER.

      1. None of my law school professors have a clue about blackboard, they have their admin assistants do it all for them. Things fall apart when said assistants are out for any reason.

  3. It took me forever to figure out Blackboard too! 😀

    1. Especially when each professor changes it every time. Arghhhh.

    1. Oh, I bet. If you wish really hard, maybe you can get an evil boss too!

  4. My college experience was much like this program.
    But with more drinking.
    And less granola.

    1. Replace granola with ramen noodles, right?

  5. Sounds like a blast so far…

    1. Oh yeah, rip-roarin’ fun. I recommend it to . .. no one.

  6. “I am roomed with another cohort…they give us one bed.”—And that’s where I would’ve bolted. Not kidding. Introverts everywhere are hyperventilating…

    1. Believe me, we did – right for the front desk. It was like, uh, no offense but no way!

  7. gentlestitches | Reply

    Was it hard to see Dr J because she was very small or because the desks were very big? For some reason I really have to know this. HaHa! Stepford Librarians.
    If it were me and Mother joined us in the car I would have been forced to give up and rip my own head off. Well done for keeping going. 🙂

    1. My mom and I have our differences but she was infinitely preferable to my psycho boss. Coworkers and I used to try to guess which disorder my boss had the worst. The weirdest thing is that she wasn’t horrible all the time – one minute she’d be nasty then she’d be all friendly and it was like arrrrrgh go back to nasty I do not want to talk with you.

      Oh, an Dr. J was very short. Ha!

      1. gentlestitches | Reply

        I have yet to meet anyone more difficult than Mother and I have met a lot of people. Psycho boss sounds like a doozy!
        LOL! I look forward to the next installment.

  8. I was going to be a smartass about your second sentence because the first time I read it I thought it said “I was a public library”, but then I re-read it and the next word was underling and it all made sense! LOL!

    Sounds like an amazeballs experience so far!

    1. I AM the public library. I am every woman. Etc. Yes, that sounds about right. 🙂

  9. Blackboard. Yuck. ASU is a huge supporter and user of Blackboard. I still don’t know why. It is horrible. In theory it is great. But the application is abysmal. I’ve done numerous “distance” classes through it. I can only imagine how bad things would have been if the profs weren’t a mere 15 minute drive away to get the straight dope from after Bb decided to play hide-and-seek with the course material.

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