The Diva Cup!

Ah, divas, everybody knows one.  She thinks she’s like all that, you know, and shows off and wears rhinestone studded sunglasses and uses menstrual cups.  Oh, uh, sorry about that.  I should have put in a warning for any male or squeamish readers.

Warning: This post talks about periods and va-jay-jays!

Okay, then.  Everybody gone yet?  I was looking at Facebook for news again and this Buzzfeed article just popped up.  Pop!  It was about something called the Diva Cup, which I had never heard of before.  Yes, I have a hippie-ish friend who once mentioned using a cup thing for her period but I think I changed the subject because yuck.  Cups don’t go up there.  As Buzzfeed clearly points out in the linkbait title of their article:

There's just so much here - where do I start?

“The phantom vagina.”  Wasn’t that a Star Wars movie?

I’m not sure what was the most whack – the title, the tagline “phantom in my vagina” or the picture of a clearly uncomfortable woman.  What on earth did she stick up there?  Is it like those balls that Anna put up there in 50 Shades of Grey?  Wouldn’t it have been funny if those balls had gotten stuck up “there” in Ana?  I think so.

Before any passionate users of these cups – and there are apparently several different brands of this thing with names like “Fleurcup”, “MeLuna”, “Lunette”, and “Round Sucky Bell Thing” – complain, the article is actually not overtly negative about this form of period management.  Some of the women seemed to like it, though most of them, understandably, looked a little uneasy about the idea of using one for the first time.  I mean, who hasn’t pondered how wise it would be to stick foreign objects in an orifice?  And then done it anyway?  Lots of people on TLC for one!  Sometimes it results in embarrassing trips to the ER (where it is all filmed).  Other times you get a baby (without knowing it was in there either).  This is not to be dealt with lightly, folks.

Of course some women have stuck tampons up there for years (not at a time), something I never did back when my “Auntie Flo” used to visit me against my wishes.  I used sanitary pads which are not at all like diapers (which my Thing Two mentioned to my Thing One who was not amused) even though the commercials are almost exactly the same.  Except the women crawling around in the period commercials are not as cute.  Thing Two has not yet experienced the joy of becoming “a woman” although she told us years ago when she was about seven that she knew just what a period was – a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence.  We just nodded and told her she was exactly right.

See, it's cuter on these guys. Still gross, though.

See, it’s cuter on these guys. Still gross, though.

I actually quit having my “little friend” come by when I had my baby-factory removed years ago, a result of my last uterus renter liking to jump very hard on the floors.  I haven’t missed it one bit.  But some women still have to use this stuff, including my Thing One, who would die to know I was talking about her in this article but will never find out because she’ll never get this far into my post.  I think her initial reaction had to be the most perfect one ever.

“Just – what?  What is this?  Seriously?”

But back to the cup!  Isn’t it cool that now women and men get to have one?  Only a guy’s goes on the outside, whereas women have it inside, just like reproductive organs which were, as Dave Barry says, designed by Mother Nature apparently as a joke.  Yet it’s a normal monthly inconvenience for half the population, so why are we so squeamish talking about it?  Just cause it’s blood leaking out of our hoo-has and . . . I just grossed myself out there.  Maybe that is why.  I definitely remember being a teen and absolutely, positively not wanting anyone else to know I had a period, even going so far as to frantically cover up the pads in my grocery cart lest someone find out that I . . .  was like every other woman on the planet.

We totally saw your pad.

We totally saw your pad.

So we have these women trying on the cup on film – blacking out the bottom of the frame so we don’t see anything dirty.  I’m sure they were actually inserting these right in front of the camera person.  They had different reactions.  One complained of leaks, and another that she was concerned about getting it out again, and then some thought it was okay.  Kind of like when you’re asked to select your form of torture – the rack or the thumbscrews?  Lemmie think.

So the women put it on up there, and had cups of blood (that would have been convenient for Edward in Twilight – sorry) they later got to dump out.  This is better for the environment and all that, but I don’t think I’d personally want to pour one out.  Or put one in to begin with, because I know I’d be one of the morons who did it incorrectly and had to go to the doctor for removal.  So I’m glad that’s all behind me.  Uh, so to speak.

Many people in the comments were very irritated that Buzzfeed used such a misleading title on their article (which isn’t like them at ALL), and enthusiastically rejoiced in the benefits of their Diva Cups.  You go, girls!  I couldn’t help but notice there were no comments from guys.

I’m starting to wonder if I will have any comments.  No matter!  Someone had to tell you about this, and I was just the girl to do it.  You’re welcome.  Here’s the link and the video, in case you for some bizarre reason, want to know more.

Alice

 

 

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12 responses

  1. You will have at least one comment. I laughed, I gagged and came out no more worse for the wear. I’m so glad the change is near. Had no idea about these cup things. Thanks for the education. Poor Things….

  2. I would actually try it…does that make me weird?
    Yes.

    1. Be sure and film yourself and put it on the blog. 🙂

  3. Okay – full disclosure – I own one (not the DIVA brand though). I read all these cool articles about how easy they are to use and how you will never have to buy tampons or pads again! I was SOLD. I got it, boiled it for 5 minutes like the directions said and went to the bathroom. At first I couldn’t get it in. The I got it part way in and couldn’t get it in further, so I pulled it out. OUCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It burned like the fire of a thousand suns because apparently it suctions to your insides and you’re supposed to break the seal with your finger before pulling it out. I guess I missed that part in the instructions!! I tried again the next period to get it in and was unsuccessful, so I gave up. Maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian, but I use tampons just fine, so I’m not sure! My take on these – a waste of money. They should give you a free trial to even see if you can get it in right before you buy it!

    1. Yikes! See I almost always have issues with stuff other women have no problems with at all. Like the b.c. pill for instance. Less than 1 percent of women apparently can’t use any b.c. pill. I’m in the 1 percent! Not only did it cause a lot of fun issues like periods all month and stuff, as I got off of the last one, I got Thing Two. Lol.

  4. Srsly? Bought one, tried it, loved it! Didn’t like the fit so I bought a different brand. So much easier than any other product (unless you’re bleeding freaking gallons – nothing works on those days…) and you only buy it once.

    I’ve never gotten it stuck, never dropped it in the toilet, never not been able to get it in – I don’t know why some people have trouble with it. If you can use a tampon, you can use a cup. AND there’s no worry about linty-bits being stuck inside, or toxic shock syndrome, either.

    1. That was part of what was so amusing – the title had nothing to do with the actual article. Now I said I’d probably goof it up, because I’m good at that. I never even tried a tampon. I’m that brave. But now I don’t have to use anything – unless I cough really hard. That’s another product though.

  5. All I’m going to say is praise jesus that I had a hysterectomy and don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore.

    1. I second that. Praise Jeeesus for hysterectomies!

  6. I too bought one, a mooncup being the name and brand here in the UK. It’s like two freaking inches wide at the top and springs back into shape the instant you try to adjust your grip on it. So I too have given up. I’m thinking of switching to the implant from the pill though, because the pill-free week usually results in my depression getting the better of me for a day or two (or longer if we’re in retreat because silence, ugh) and that might be easier. I hope.

    1. I’m hearing this loud “sproing” where there shouldn’t be one. Also a yell. I bet the sisters were wondering what you were doing. Also: mooncup. Blood moon, maybe? They make it sound so flowery – and it so isn’t.

      1. I think the idea behind the name is because the “ideal” cycle is 28 days, the same as the lunar cycle.

        It has never actually gone “sproing” where it shouldn’t, it has always done that when not really even partially inserted and basically all that happens is it drops on the floor of the shower.

        The thing that gets me is that they reckon a girl should be able to use them even on her first period…

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