I woke up this Election Day morning and rushed out to my living room. I’m not certain what I was expecting to find. Joe Biden tied up under my Christmas tree, wrapped in blue ribbon with a bow shoved in his mouth and a note saying “Courtesy of the Republican Party”? I dunno. I mean, it’s THE DAY, it’s finally here, the day we’ve waited for centuries, though they claim it’s just four years. Hahahahahaha. So you know, something should happen right?

But no, we have to wait. Even though there’s been record turnout for, well ANY voting, but especially for early voting – I mean there were lines for early voting guys – but some people waited for today. I know I was there first thing on early voting day not cause I’m responsible but cause I’m scared as crap and I’m not the only one. The White House just built another wall – around itself. So Trump finally got his wall. Goody for him!

If this day is like Christmas, it’s one of the worst ever. Forget about getting that awesome G.I. Joe ninja, kids. They quit making that kind of figure. But you can have his best bud, Duke, who’s you know – white and old but hey he comes with sanity AND a new girl Joe (these are rare) codename: Diversity It’sabouttime (also comes with her own brain). The set is definitely worth it if you get her, especially if you are a woman who is pissed that it’s been well over 200 years and still no woman president but WHATEVER. So it might not be the day of your dreams, but it could be worse. You could get knock-off Cobra Commander instead, only this one doesn’t wear his mask cause terrorists who want to rule the world don’t have to, and he comes with his trusted friend Destro who does wear his mask, only it just looks more like a human face this time. They come with their own ticking time bomb you can’t shut off! Yay!

I also accessed the Internet looking for election results and I got this crap! Not really, I got very tired media people who look like Frodo dragging himself to Mt. Doom. Even the comedians look like this. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, I just saw former talk show host comedian John Stewart get comforted by talk show host Stephen Colbert with words from Tolkien. These guys are both just short of total mental breakdowns. If you won’t do it for the country, do it for these poor comedians, people. Please vote – like the right way. It shouldn’t be that hard to know who to vote for at this point, but you do you.

10 a.m. central time now and believe it or not, I’ve run out of stuff for now, but I’ll be back (maybe) as results trickle in and our hope in humanity ebbs and wanes.

6 pm Central Time which means it’s 5 pm Eastern time and the polls close in some states at some time which I forget cause they are doing live stuff on youtube and it’s confusing. We just stream, no T.V. for us, so we haven’t been watching people talk all day despite having nothing to talk about yet.

9:31 P.M. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I may be booking a stay back in the caves, guys.

11:21 P.M. I should be in bed. 205 electorals for Biden to 135 for Trump. Projected. I think. I have no idea what is going on. Neither do the reporters, but they keep going.

11:46 P.M. WTF now it’s 223 Biden, 174 Trump. I wish they would say how many electorals are left somewhere cause we all know popular vote, ya know vote by the people, is meaningless. Oh we may not know some results till Friday. How neat. I love how none of our states agree on how to do this after over 200 years.

12:10 A.M. We just flipped to 209 Trump to 205 Biden – wait this is NBC but New York Times says . . . maybe I should stick with one of them? Or none. None is good. My Things are way smarter than I am and avoiding this in their beds.

9:28 A.M. Still too close to call . . . write in votes left. Of course Trump already declared himself president hours ago. Of course. Head/desk.

5:28 P.M. Roller coaster. Biden now 6 votes away, we’re counting on . . . Nevada? Georgia, Pennsylvania, North Carolina too close. Senate too close. This year. This bloody year . . .