I am writing this as part of a contest for open letter ad libs at So I Went Undercover‘s blog. It was a lot of fun. You should go check it out and try one of your own.
The red print represents what I added to the letter. I’m sure you’ll be shocked at my choice of subject.
Dear E.L. James,
I have been trying to forget that I feel this way for quite a while, but I can’t pretend anymore. I am really madfaced. You know when you write? Well, let me share how that makes me feel… When you write, I feel like shoving wood screws in my eyes. Not so much annoyed or even perturbed, but really, really pissed off. It makes me want to smack a kitten. I would like to think that I am not the only one who feels this way. As a matter of fact, you know most of the sane people on this planet? Well they told me that you suck.
You know what they say: If one person says you’re a hack writer, you can forget it. When two people say you’re a hack writer that sucks, you might want to consider it. When three people say you’re a hack writer that sucks monkey balls you might want to STOP WRITING. It’s about that time for you, E.L. Think about that.
Since we are being so honest, there are a few other things I would like to air. I hate it when you talk to the media about how you’re empowering women. It makes me want to twist your head off.
I also hate the way you develop characters. Every time you mention Christian or Ana I want to puke in your Begonias, if you have Begonias.
Also, Stephenie Meyer is not your real friend. Remember that secret that you shared? Well she shared it with everyone. Now everyone knows you blatantly plagiarized her work and they all laugh at you behind your back.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I really like you. I value our relationship. But I cannot go on pretending 50 Shades of Grey hasn’t happened. If you care enough about me and this relationship, I am sure you would agree to STOP WRITING IMMEDIATELY.
Still friends?
Fondly,
Alice
aliceatwonderland 
I hope she made enough wonga, that she will stop her writing. And I hope from the bottom of my heart, that she has Begonias :o)
Yes, please say she is satisfied with her illllll gotten gains. I swear, if I were to write one bestselling book that made me a millionaire, why would I write for public again? Heck with that. Enjoyin’ the pool, thanks!
I bet her gardener pukes in her Begonias.
I never thought I would dislike a series of books more than Twilight, and then this came along. At least these provided some comic relief with their unlikely situations.
Exactly. I found myself smacking myself in the head. How can something be both so horrible and so hilariously bad? And so I just kept going, like digging through a terrible train wreck. Sometimes I wanted to scream at her, other times I just wondered what planet she was on . . . ah, well, it’s all there in my way too many posts dedicated to recapping those books. At least it brought fun people to my blog!
50 Shades of Shitty Writing
If you go to Amazon, you can see dozens of variations on that title in the 1 star reviews. 50 Shades of Terrible, 50 Shades of Suck, 50 Shades of please stop writing, etc.
Lol. 50 Shades of WTF?
Bravo!!!
(bows) Thank youuu, thank youuu. If only she could really read it. I wrote one to Stephenie Meyer earlier, apologizing for being so harsh about Twilight what with 50 Shades.
Just loved this!!!! Smacking a kitten because you’re so mad is the funniest thing I have heard of in forever!! I also loved how you wanted to twist her head off. Reminded me of dandelions.
Thanks! It’s fun to twist dandelion heads off too. This was a fun game.
Never read it, never will.
You will be eternally grateful for that decision. If you just want to see it made fun of, you can always peek into my recaps. The comments afterward (once people starting reading them at least) are better than the recaps themselves sometimes.
I found out recently that my sister thinks 50 shades is brilliant. She (and her husband) also can’t see that there might be something a bit wrong with Twishite either…
Well done Alice on sticking up for the truth and good literature!
Thank you, faith. It makes your head spin, doesn’t it? Why? Just why do people really like these books? I read something about it being Satanic. Sadly, no, just stupid.
Oh, God, no, stop it! Saying “it’s Satanic” will just make it even more popular.
Although, hilariously, there is some sect somewhere in the USA which says that USB devices cannot be used by their “church” because the symbol on them looks like Satan’s pitch-fork…
D’oh. Doncha wish those people would replace “Christian” with “Whackjob” on their churches? USB devices??? lol.
Maybe we the more sensible Christian types should call ourselves the whackjobs, and see what happens.
Wait, I know I’m a whackjob. I’ve created a facebook page for a pottery garden gnome painted to look like a Benedictine nun. I jest not. See https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Adventures-of-St-Hildegnome/518311418247683?fref=ts for details.
Alice! I am shocked at your hatred of EL James, I never knew 😉
And as for smacking kittens? I can’t support this. I might have to join you on your quest to ensure EL James never writes again so no kittens are harmed
I know, it was just out of the blue, am I right? And kittens should not be smacked. They’re too dang cute. James has ruined the innocence of everything – even kittens!
I can’t hate E.L. James. Without her, your and Speaker7’s recaps never would have existed.
Aw, thanks. One day I’m sure our brains will recover. Thank you, James, for being so wretched and bringing me fab readers. Now you can stop writing. Oh, good news, I saw where they had just cast actors for the movie. Yippee!
Not quite sure I’ve ever been mad enough to smack a kitten… Maybe mad enough to smack someone WITH a kitten, provided the kitten had all four paws full of claws extended.
Yes, those claws are tiny but nasty – I can also just hear the cat whooshing through the air Meowwwwwww SMACK. . . Sorry, Alice does not advocate kitten abuse, but she just made herself laugh.
Madfaced….I love that word more than life itself…I have a low value on my standard of living also.
I love it too! Also sadfaced and fuckballs. I have greatly increased my vocabulary. Thanks, blogosphere!
James talked to the media about empowering women? I need to google this!
It will make you ragey. She thinks she freed women to be able to talk about sex. Yeah, James, also abuse and general stupidity.
Wait? You don’t like 50 shades? Seriously? I’m shocked!
😉
Will wonders never cease?
I think not. That would defeat the point of them, right?
[…] https://aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com/2013/09/01/ad-libs-contest-dear-e-l-james/ […]
Agreed. I’m tired of bad writers making it big. It’s annoying. What kind of message does that send to the children!?
[…] Alice […]
[…] another of my entries into UndercoverL’s ad lib contest. I already did this one about E.L. James (LINK DROP!) I’ve recently found out that there may be cookies and sparkly ponies and a sarcastic mug […]
How did I miss this?? Love it!! I miss your re-caps. I am all sadfaced about it.
[…] But it was a good letter to a very questionable author. Go check it out here. […]