Do you know what your sign is? It’s not just a pick up line, people, it is serious business. Have you checked your horoscope lately? Do you know what a horoscope is? Well, you should, because we’re talking about your future laying in the balance here. Specifically a balance of planets, moons, stars, galaxy class starships, unseen realms, mysticism, and William Shatner.
I have been checking my horoscope in the paper for years, and also divining my future from fortune cookies and the foil wrappers of Dove candies. So I consider myself an expert. I’m available for personal consultations and birthday parties. Give me a call at 1-800-GET-REAL for more information.
I’m sure there are those of you who think horoscopes are silly. Well, former first lady Ronald Reagan’s wife consulted horoscopes, so you know they must be legitimate. Also other famous people rely on these horoscopes like E.L. James. Actually I just made that up but would you be surprised? I wouldn’t.
Anyway, as a special treat, I’ve decided to read everyone’s horoscope every Friday. That way you can end the week knowing what was supposed to be in your future that is now your past. It’s going to be really far out.
First, I should probably show you the signs. These signs represent stuff like stars in the sky at certain times of year when there’s a moon or the sun or planet alignment or some other crap that I didn’t research.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
According to my limited research gained from the first site I found on Google,
those with the sign of Aries are Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious. In other words, they’re power-hungry jerks. Christian Grey might be an Aries. Also Donald Trump. I don’t actually know since I didn’t look any of that up. Also the sign is a ram, as in ramming stuff down people’s throats, and I think both of them do that quite well.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Taurus signs represent Security, Subtle strength, Appreciation, Instruction, and Patience. Translation: Tauruses are nerds. Also they are represented by the bull, so they are nerds who are full of it. Alex Trebek is probably this sign, because he knows a lot of stuff about nothing.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Geminis are good communicators, indecisive, Inquisitive, Intelligent, and Changeable. So they’re the ones who ask everybody what color drapes they should choose and then still can’t make a decision and end up just buying mini-blinds. Gemini is represented by the twins. I’m not sure which twins. Famous people with this sign include the Bush twins and the twins from that Sweet Valley High series. It might be that those are the first twins that came to my mind. Also it is the sign of both of my daughters, who, thank GOD, are not twins, but through strategic lack of planning on my part have birthdays one week apart.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
This is my sign. Cancer people are Emotional, Diplomatic, Intense, Impulsive, and Selective. In other words, we are total whiny butts and probably bipolar because according to this scientific study we are both impulsive and selective. Cancer is represented by the Crab, which is slang for a type of STD. It also shares the same name as a disease that kills millions. Doesn’t seem like the luckiest sign to me. Must be why I have it.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Leos are Warm, Generous, Faithful, Rulers with Initiative. In other words,
aren’t they special? The best example of this sign is that lion from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He’s a lion and a ruler and Jesus, which makes him all that happy, clappy stuff. Seriously. Don’t mess with the Jesus sign, guys. I realize we celebrate his birthday in December, but scholars say that’s all messed up anyway. So go with it.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Virgos are Analyzers, Practical, Reflective, Observant, and Thoughtful. They are represented by the virgin, because thoughtful, practical people don’t have sex. Unless they are married Virgos. It’s kind of a rule. Did you break it? Shame on you. People who are best represented by this sign are Ana Steele (hahaha, I’m just kidding), the Virgin Mary, and Mother Teresa. Possibly.
Libra (The Scales):September 23 – October 22
Libras are known for their sense of Balance, Justice, Truth, Beauty, and Perfection. In other words, they are also special snowflakes because they can make decisions while standing beautifully on one foot. Libras are represented by the scales, which at first I thought meant they had a skin disease, but turns out the scales are those scales that you balance stuff on. Famous Libras include the defense lawyer for O.J. Simpson, Superman, and Adolf Hitler. Also my husband, though he really falls a lot more in the following sign.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Scorpios are Transient, Self-Willed, Purposeful, and Unyielding. This should be my husband’s sign, because he is transient with his many projects, self-willed about starting these projects, purposeful about not getting around to actually doing these projects, and unyielding of the right to start another project while a half dozen are left unfinished. Also, he actually likes spiders. Famous Scorpios include the majority of two-year-olds.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
People with this sign are Philosophical, in Motion, Experimental, and full of Optimism. Translation: they’re mad scientists. These are the people who as children probably put marshmallows in the microwave to see how what would happen, or experimented with putting stuff up a sibling’s nose never to be seen again, or ate pure sugar straight out of those little packets. These children would be my brother and me, though neither of us are that sign, so I’m not sure why I put that in there. Sagittarius is represented by the Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. Famous people of this sign include Mr. Ed and his owner, Lady Godiva and Horse, and The Lone Ranger and Silver.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Capricorns are Determined, Dominant, Persevering, Practical, and Willful. They won’t stop until they have forced you to do all their work for them. Capricorns make awesome bosses and politicians. Capricorns are represented by the goat because goats eat cans and butt people and I really don’t know why. Famous Capricorns include all our past presidents, senators, and congressmen. Also, if you add insane to that list, you could include one of my former bosses.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
People with this sign are Knowledgeable, Serious, Insightful, Duplicitous, Humanitarians. These are people who care about a cause, but are going to find thoughtful new ways to go about promoting it through trickery. PETA falls into this category. They want people to care about animals, so they have a campaign objectifying women because hey, they aren’t cats. Aquarius is represented by the water bearer, because people with this sign often retain water. Famous Aquarians include any hippies born in the 60s or 70s – the age of Aquarius.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Pisces signs are known for Fluctuation, Depth, Imagination, Reactivity, and Indecisiveness. This makes them confused but imaginatively reactive bottom dwelling fish people. Pisces is represented by the fish because fish go good with chips, or so I hear. Famous Pisces people include Ariel the Little Mermaid, Moby Dick, and Spongebob Squarepants.
Did you find your sign? Great! Stay tuned for fabulous predictions starting next Friday. Your future is probably not at stake!