Weekly Horoscope is Back!

That’s right, folks!  Recently my psychic abilities have returned to me after fleeing in terror during my coverage of 50 Shades.  Now that they’re back, I feel I should use my powers of prophecy to predict your fortune this week.  Sure the week is technically almost over, but now you can know what you should have done earlier.  I’m helpful that way.

Anyway, I figured I would once again divine your fortune from the wrappers of Dove candies.  They work even better than tea leaves.  No guesswork.  Plus I’ve yet to get the Death sign from one of these things, so you’re probably safe.   It was a sacrifice, scarfing 12 candies from the candy bowl on my coworker’s desk, but there is nothing I won’t do for my loyal readers – not when their past future is at stake!

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Since I’m the psychic, I have helpfully translated these complex riddles for you.

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Dove candy wrapper say: It’s definitely a bubble bath day

Alice say: What if you don’t have any bubble bath? Or a tub?  Well, you’re screwed, that’s what. 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20

Dove candy wrapper say: You already look gorgeous, gorgeous

Alice say: Dove candy is sincere.  They would never suck up to you suckily.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Be good to yourself today

Alice say: Eat more chocolate.  Then get on the scale and blame Dove.

You suck, Dove.

You suck, Dove.

Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Escape for a moment

Alice say: We’ll let you out of the pen for fifteen minutes, then back in ya go!

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You worked hard – promise yourself an award.

Alice say: Promise yourself an Emmy.  Wait for results.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You’re invited to relax today

Alice say: Take some tranquilizers.

If that doesn't work, try the library.

If that doesn’t work, try the library.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Unwrap, Breathe, Enjoy

Alice say: In that order.  Better get some candy, stat.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Tempt your sense of exploration

Alice say: Really explore that sense.  Everywhere.  Try using a brush.

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Discover yourself

Alice say: Be like Christopher Columbus, if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Dove candy wrapper say: Your smile is your best accessory

Alice say: Who needs clothes?  Not when you’re exploring and discovering yourself, you don’t!

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Dove candy wrapper say: Buy flowers for yourself

Alice say:  You also don’t need a significant other.  See fortunes above.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Dance with your heart

Alice say:  Do not attempt without a skilled physician present.

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!

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41 responses

  1. I’m all confused as to what sign I am now since they jiggered it and added another one.

    1. They added another sign? When? Who approve of this? Was another constellation added or what? Why didn’t the news cover this???

        1. Sacrilege! If we have 13 signs then we need 13 months, and then think of all the bother with making new calendars! This is the same reason I continue to believe Pluto is still a planet. No need to change up my old solar system models from 3rd grade that way.

  2. If only I was a Scorpio instead of a Leo…

    1. That brush sure is tempting. Excuse me, matey, I must go explorin’ my ocean blue!

  3. Totally nailed Aries – a bubble bath would have been nice, but I ain’t got no bubbles and I ain’t got no tub. Sob!

    1. Yup. Screwed. Sorry about that. You can join me in the pen if you want. I’m a Cancer. That’s never a good sign.

  4. Try fortune cookies next time.

    1. Yes! I must find some fortune cookies. I love those things. It would not be a sacrifice to scarf 12 of those.

  5. Be careful with those Dove candies: I once wrote a Dove-themed post (how it ruined my life), so I bought a few candy bags for research purposes, and I probably gained a pound for every paragraph I wrote. But at least I’m glad that Dove still thinks I’m gorgeous.

    1. Do you really have a Dove-themed post? If so, I must see it. I’ve figured out that Dove is very lazy with their fortunes and often repeat them, dumb as they are. I’m on to them.

      1. HA! my semi-shameless plug worked! (“semi” because the post was on another blog). But I must warn you that this isn’t my usual list:
        http://armyofawesomepeople.com/2013/05/08/how-nestles-dove-chocolate-ruined-my-life-draft/

  6. Too fun. Don’t do Fortune Cookies, I got one once that said, “You Will Be Very Fortunate.”
    You got it right. I’m inspired to start a religion built around the Wisdom on Key Chains.
    Later..

    1. Key chains! I never thought of that. There’s also bumper stickers. Off to the dollar store for more fortune telling supplies.

  7. I’ve got lots of chocolate eating to catch up on. If you need me I’ll be munch, munch, snarf…

    1. Save the wrappers and you can be my official assistant.

      1. The inside of my snickers wrapper says: Substanciliciousness
        The inside of my twix wrapper was just a small smear of chocolate until I licked it up and now it’s blank
        what does it mean?

        1. Mysterious are the ways of the wrappers. Search your feelings.

  8. Faaark, it’s busy in there isn’t it?! Seein’ as how you’re so accurate with predicting this weeks future (my Emmy turned up in the mail 2 days ago…you are good!) I was wondering if you could nip back and give me your take on Monday 3 weeks ago? Cheers REDdog…funny bugga, hey

    1. Congrats on the Emmy! I knew you’d get the Best Supporting Viewer award. Monday 3 weeks ago, thinking, thinking . . . you got up, did stuff, and went back to bed. I’m right, aren’t I? It’s uncanny!

      1. Damn you’re good

  9. I’m definitely screwed…no tub, no bubble bath, no discovery!

    1. One needs not a bathtub to discover oneself.

  10. Well, I missed the Emmy submission, thanks for letting me know what I should have done.

  11. You are very funny–and talented! I like your horoscopes much better than the horrible scopes in the paper!

    1. Thank you! I think I’m at least as accurate as the professional psychics. 😀

  12. If I send you a bag of Dove chocolates, could you look at what I should have done last year to keep my car engine from seizing up?

    1. Wow, think of all the predictions I could make with an entire bag! I could also consult my mechanic husband who is an expert in predicting what one should have done with one’s car last year. His hindsight is impeccable.

      1. Well, consulting the bag of chocolates would definitely give me a feel-more-gooder hindfortune, though a mechanic would probably give a more gee-if-I’da-known-that-I’d-still-have-a-car hindfortune.

        Can I just email you the chocolates?

        1. I’m not sure how you’d press them into the email, but if you can manage it, please do. I don’t mind flattened chocolates. Still good.

          1. I tried, but it didn’t work. The chocolates gunked up my phone camera, so I’ll try faxing ’em.

  13. i am cancer and i do believe i need to escape for a little while. I have been within the same routine for a long time and it kind of bores me. I feel like doing something exciting and out of the ordinary ! Thanks for that post >.< Could you please check out my latest post about life beginning and when does all the excitement start 😀 I would be ever so grateful theteenagelunatic.wordpress.co.uk Taa x

    1. I find routine bores me as well, until I get out of routine and then I’m really annoyed that stuff changed. It is difficult to please me – which must be why I am a Cancer as well.

  14. Nice to know that chocolate thinks I look georgous!

  15. With mine, I’m officially changing the sign from “no shoes no shirt no service” to “no smile no service”. That’s what it should really say anyway.

    1. Yeah, I hate it when patrons look at you like “Die now, please.” It really inspires me to help them out.

      1. Yup. Just makes you all giddy to go above and beyond for them.

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