Headline: Woman Obsessed with Virtual Farm Lets Virtual Family Starve

We will eat your soul!

We will eat your soul!

First off, I want you to know I’m not playing Farmville.  I am not that big of a loser.  It’s called Hay Day, and really, I can quit anytime I want to – I just haven’t wanted to yet.  Sadly, this has meant bad things for my little virtual family on a different game I told you about earlier.  I haven’t even given them a good slap in ages.  I’m pretty sure they’ve run out of food by now. (Click to enlarge pics I took from Google Images, mostly.)

And to think I was so good to them before . . .

And to think I was so good to them before . . .

But I can’t worry about that because I have a freaked out farm here.  It’s on my Nook, so it’s even worse than only being on Facebook or a game relegated to home.  On the plus side, it seems my workplace, built in 1974, is unable to get a decent signal with the Nook.  It can get a signal for laptops and my phone, but not this one simple game on my portable device.  Not that this is a problem.  I’m perfectly okay with it.

Oh okay Mr. Scarecrow arghhhhhhh!

Oh okay Wicker Man arghhhhhhh!

But what about my crops?  I mean, I’ve got wheat and corn and carrots (all cut with a scythe interestingly enough) and they’re just sitting there waiting.  Also, the cows are full of milk (they sit there like overfilled Macy’s Day Parade floats, ready to burst) and the chickens are sitting on giant eggs which is bound to be uncomfortable.  Worst of all – the pigs!  You harvest bacon from the pigs, but you don’t kill them.  Nope.  Once they’re ready (they will be lying on their bloated stomachs in misery) you slide them through this tube that gives them liposuction resulting in bacon.  Then you feed them and it starts all over again.  I don’t think I’d want to eat this bacon.

Pig liposuction comin' up.

Pig liposuction comin’ up.

Stuff occurs in real time in this game, but the time it takes varies and makes no logical sense.  You can get an egg from a chicken every few minutes, and milk from the cow every couple hours, but it takes like five hours to make corn bread and an entire day to make bacon and eggs.  I’m not the best cook, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take that long to make these things in real life.  WTF.

Pretty sure it takes a year to make the pie.  Don't ask me about the saw.

Bet it takes a year to make the pie. Don’t ask me about the saw.

You get money for selling stuff in this game.  You can sell to pretend people, or apparently real people some of whom have names spelled in Chinese characters.  One person I accidentally friended is named Hand.  I’m not sure how to unfriend this person now.  I just don’t think you can have a friendship based on a love of pretend produce.  What’s interesting is visiting the pretend farms of these people.  Maybe I should say pretend metropolises.  Holy crap!  These guys have acres and acres of crops, machines, animals, goat statues (really), and more.  I’m not sure whether to be impressed or really, really scared.

Does this person do anything else?  Someone should check on him.

Does this person do anything else? Someone should check on him.

It takes a long time to get anywhere on this game, but Facebook and Google Play in their all-knowing wisdom have an answer!  You can pay real money for pretend diamonds to buy pretend products for your pretend farm in this free game.  It’s genius!  Now I’m way too cheap to ever, ever pay a dime for something that is supposed to be free, so I’m not too far gone yet.  But it’s still sneaky as heck, isn’t it?  And people pay for it or they wouldn’t keep advertising.  Far out.   Maybe I should just beg one of those other players.

Orrrr maybe not.  Look at those creepy profile pics!

Orrrr maybe not. Look at those creepy profile pics!

So my virtual family is dying and wondering where I’ve gone, but at least I can say I haven’t ignored my real family.  The kids are playing right along with me and I’m sure my husband is back there somewhere watching people dig stuff out of various garages or whatever on TV.  And the kids, unlike my pretend animals, can feed themselves!  So all is well.  Unless you’re a tiny virtual person.  Then I’m sorry.


25 responses

  1. I haven’t been able to get into games like these.

    I can, however, tell you there are only 500 levels in Candy Crush.

    1. I’m still stuck on some level cause I don’t have enough pretend tickets for the pretend train.

      1. You need to bug people for tickets. It will annoy my younger sisters if you bug them, because they’re too busy hiding from virtual zombies to play Candy Crush Saga.

  2. I’m feeling less guilty about the Candy Crush habit I’ve acquired. Many thanks.

    1. I’m SO over Candy Crush – you wouldn’t want to send me at ticket, would you?

      1. As soon as I finish this game of Bejeweled Blitz.

  3. I don’t understand the addiction of games like this. Then again, not having access to them is one of the great things about boycotting Facebook….

    1. I’ve boycotted FB a couple times. Now I’m just on there as Squirrel with like 13 friends, most of whom are bloggers who friended me during the Fb experiment on my blog . . . this sadly, I got off google play.

      1. You could get candy crush saga of Google play, too.

  4. Sorry, did you say something? I’ve been creating Bitstrips over here…

    1. Yes, I HAVE noticed your addiction to that. Intervention is coming. 😀

  5. If my husband blogged, he could have posted something similar to this.

    1. My husband thinks games are silly. He prefers to passively watch people take apart cars, and fish, and dig in garages on TV.

      1. Would you rather have your husband watch Phineas and Ferb? Mine watches a lot of that.

        1. So does MINE along with the kids! Oh, the horror.

          1. I’m pretty sure my almost-30 husband likes it more than the almost-3-year-old.

  6. This is why I don’t pick up any of those games–I suspect I’d take it as a personal challenge to play it to the best of my ability, while everything around me piles up. But if I ever do, I know who to turn to for advice!

    1. I consider myself a master at procrastination and would be glad to help!

  7. I used to be a great farmer (FarmVille) and a great pet keeper (Pet Society), but that’s all in the past. I had ways of cheating and getting rich instantly, but they caught up with me and banned me, basically they deleted all my progress and I had to start from 0. I didn’t want to be the poorest of all my friends so I quit.

    PS: I sent you an email, check it out.

    1. Haha, that’s funny. Whenever any game pops up, there are always cheats. We are so patient we can’t wait for pretend crops to pretend grow. I will check my email.

  8. My mom was so into Farmville that when she was in the hospital a few years ago she paid my niece to log in and take care of her crops!

  9. I did FarmVille for a little while then gave up. I’m sure these things can steal your soul if you’re not careful…

    1. I think you’re right in fact – ZOMG THE COWS HAVE NOT BEEN FED!

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