So we’re back again. I apologize for the length of time between posts (in case you’ve noticed or something) but programming is a real pain what with the writer’s strike and all. But we’re back to finish off the interviews so that we can then finish off the contestants. And now, once again, is everyone’s favorite sociopath, Prince Hans.
Haha who are you calling sociopath? That’s ridiculous! I’m a nice guy, really. Just look at my teeth.
Now let’s finish off these interviews – finally.
First up are our tributes from Agrabah, that great city where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face (actual original lyrics). Let’s give a warm welcome to Aladdin.
Hans: Aladdin, I hear you were born a street rat. Yet now you are the future sultan, and all because you married a girl. Nice plan there.
Aladdin: I just wanted the girl.
Hans: Sure you did.
Hans: What is your strategy for winning the games?
Aladdin: Well it’s totally not going to have anything to do with monkeys or tigers or flying carpets or all powerful genies. Trust me. Hans: I’ve heard you are a lying thief, yet still got to be the hero. What gives? Aladdin: Well I don’t spend a lot of time playing with ponies. Hans: Hey, ponies are great . . . who told you? Aladdin: Gotta go – one step ahead you know!
Next is Aladdin’s beautiful prize er bride, Princess Jasmine.
Hans: Princess Jasmine, what a nice dress . . . wait, is that a wedding veil?
Jasmine: Yes I was planning a beautiful wedding.
Hans: Oh give me a break, someone already tried the wedding idea.
Jasmine: Darn that Ariel. Did I mention I’m expecting? Hans: Next.
Next we have . . . oh wait there seems to be a problem. Did Hans lose something important?
Hans: Hey, street rat, give me back my wallet!
Moving on, we have the tributes from the China-ish district. Everyone give it up for Mulan!
Hans: Why Mulan, given up the cross-dressing I see?
Mulan: I only dressed as a man to save my father and rescue my country.
Hans: Well I think it’s great that now everyone sees you in those pretty dresses, just the way women belong!
Mulan: I can shoot missiles all the way to the freaking Southern Isles, you jerk!
Hans: Not necessary, really, haha . . . um, next?
Next up the commander in chief who looks really nice with his shirt off (so some say) and sings the best song ever about being a man. Uh, anyway, let’s get down to business and say hello to Li Shang.
Li Shang: I happen to like Mulan in her fighting gear! We practice hitting each other all the time. Shall I practice on you?
Hans: Save if for the games . . . please. NEXT!
Our final interviews, at last! Let’s hear some from the Hairland district, starting with Flynn Rider.
Hans: Greetiings, Mr. Rider. You have quite a bit in common with Aladdin. Both of you are are lying thieves, both of you married beautiful princesses to inherit their kingdoms . . . really, what did I do wrong?
Flynn: Maybe the attempted murder part. Just a guess. Hey, nice watch.
Hans: Why thank you . . . wait a minute. Next!
Welcome Rapunzel, she of the really, really, really long hair . . . that she once had but now is short and brown. Except when she apparently wears blond wigs to please the children cause let’s face it, that’s her whole calling card there, the hair.
Hans: Hello, Rapunzel. Um, nice mom cut there.
Rapunzel: I know, everyone loves the long blond stuff, but do you realize how much that stuff weighs? Or how much debris I pick up in a single day. Once I caught a woodchuck.
Hans: Nice. Tell me, do you also have mom jeans?
Rapunzel: No but I have a frying pan.
Hans: Brown hair is a great look for you.
Hans: Well that, thank God, concludes our interviews folks. Now for the fun stuff. The killing . . . wait, where is my watch?
Hans: Hey, I want my watch back! You poop-heads!
While Hans searches for his stolen property, let us wish luck to our candidates out there. May the best, or sneakiest, person win. You can still get your votes in to see 1) Who wins 2) Who bites it first . . . and second and third and so on . . .and 3) Just how deranged is Alice? Here are some earlier votes:
List of X
I’m going to go with Team Mulan. Unlike many others in the Games, they both have had military training and know how to survive in the wilderness. Also, if I remember correctly, Mulan has a pet fire-breathing dragon (which she should make sure to keep away from Philip) which is great for reconnaissance and starting fires.
I’ll tell you how Cinderella is going to win – just before the games, a fairy godmother is going to show up and give Cindy some combat boots, an M-16 rifle with unlimited ammo, and a tank to ride to the arena. The only condition is that she’ll have to kill everyone before midnight.
1jade1
The one with the triplets, or the last one…sorry but I’m too lazy to keep them straight. Of course, they will probably go first.
ravinj
Merida or Mulan I predict will be finalists.
faithhopechocolate
I bet the winner will be someone quite unexpected. I’m betting Ariel will either die first or win.
Mental Mama
Personally, I’m rooting for the raccoon thing from Pocahontas. What the hell was his name…?
So we’ve got a couple votes in for Mulan and Merida, a possible win or death for Ariel, and the raccoon thing from Pocahontas. There’s still time to get your guesses in before the games begin! Winners will get Evil Squirrel’s Sparkly Pony from my last contest. He doesn’t know he’s donated yet, but it just seems proper. Or maybe just the knowledge that you, yes you, predicted who would massacre the most princes and princesses in a pretend contest on a silly blog. You could put it on your resume!
See you soon. And may the odds be forever in your favor.
aliceatwonderland 
Definitely Ariel.
You mean she wins first or swims with the fishes, er floats with ’em, first?
To be honest, I’m not quite sure what we are doing – but I like Ariel, many if the others came along after my kids had grown (they are in their 30’s) so I don’t know much about them.
Ah, well faith mentioned that she thought either Ariel would win or die first, so I was making sure. People call her a bubblehead, but she’s so gosh darn adorable I still love her. She was the first princess I really fell in love with as a kid.
Still rooting for Mulan. Though it would be a hoot if all the non-human sidekicks got together and sabotaged things so that the bears win. Speaking of bears, it’s too bad the guys from Brother Bear aren’t in the contest. Because they might give Mulan and Li Shang some real competition. On the other hand, they might give Merida’s brothers ideas, and she might show her lack of appreciation with arrows, or maybe a sword.
Like Brother Bear was a real movie. No princesses anywhere, duh. Oh, but the Lion King might have been entertaining. I just realized I not only forgot Tiana and Naveen, but the lions as well. I am so racist. They should have an equal opportunity to get maimed or murdered. Ah, well.
Damn those woodchucks, always trying to get a free ride in someone’s hair. That raccoon should totally kick the woodchuck’s ass.
Meeko could totally do it too. I’m pretty sure he’s rabid now, what with all those diseased mice brought over on John’s ship.
Haha. I’m so going with Rapunzel. She kicks ass in her naive way. Though Merida is also very capable of taking care of herself. Hmm.
Don’t underestimate hair and frying pans. I mean she doesn’t have her kick butt magical hair anymore, but I bet she could borrow a magical kick butt wig. They keep showing her with the blond hair anyway. So she must have figured something out.
Merida is like that one kid on the junior high baseball team who can actually play. A real contender. Unless that rabid raccoon comes along.
Her little brothers would make sorry work of the raccoon, unless there’s a cute animal sidekick uprising.
Ohhh be afraid. Be very afraid. I’ve got loads of bunnies and squirrels and birds, oh my.
The hair is a weapon and a tool all rolled into one. I can’t go with Mulan as well, she might be trained, but something doesn’t sit well there. It’s going to have to be between Merida and Rapunzel. They’re both wicked 😛
Can’t we just get them all together in one big arena and then release 100 hungry lions…. oh wait, is Simba in this thing too? Scratch that… close all the exits and fill the stadium with carbon monoxide. It would be fun to watch all those Disney posers choke to death (Am I demented or what?)
The question is, are you more demented than I am? I think not! I’ll have to remember that carbon monoxide thing . . .