Books You Wouldn’t Read At School – at least, God, I hope not

I picked on some of the “Classics” of literature last time.  (I wonder how a book gets to be a classic.  Does it have to rate a certain level on the depression scale to be considered?  There are very few happy classic books.)  Anyway, now I move on to some of the more popular – for some reason – books that people are reading or have read.  Many of them have even been made into movies.  Then again, so have many comic books, so take that as you will.

 The Twilight Series:

representation of Twilight by my daughter who is too smart to read these books

Oh, Twilight, how can I rate thee?  Surely not as well as many others already have.  Just look at the blog roll to see some of the excellent blogs trashing this book like it rightly deserves.  I do have one complaint – these people, as far as know, were not around when the series first came out, so I suffered alone.  No one should suffer these books alone!  There should be some sort of AA group for the victims of bad books.  Anyway, be sure to check out these people – they are awesome.

http://dazzlemethis.wordpress.com/

http://speaker7.wordpress.com

http://markreads.net/reviews/category/past-books/twilight/

http://www.anamardoll.com/2011/02/twilight-twilight-deconstruction-index.html

And these are just the ones I’ve discovered so far in my ongoing quest to keep from doing productive work!  I’m getting off track again.  In case you are one of the six people who haven’t heard of or read this book, here is my summary of all four books in play form for dramatic effect.

TWILIGHT

Bella: Edward you are so hot

Edward: Yes but I am a vampire.  Stay away and get in my Volvo.

Bella: Edward you are so hot.  I want to be a vampire too.

Edward: No way.  Your blood smells yummy.

Bella: Let us lay in this meadow and stare at each other.

Edward: Watch me sparkle and dazzle!

Bella: Your family is totally cool. I want to be a vampire too.

Edward: No you don’t.  We are all beautiful and sparkly and live forever and rainbows shoot out our butts.  Why would anyone want that?

Bella: My life is awful.  My Dad cares and everyone in school wants to be my friend.  Please make me a vampire.

Edward: Let’s play baseball.  Oh, no, there is another vampire that wants to kill you.

Bella: What, a plot?  I will throw myself into danger for no real reason.

Edward: I will rescue you and blame your injuries on falling down the stairs.  Wanna go to prom?

Bella: No but I will because you are hot.  Make me into a vampire.

Edward: No – we have three more books to go.

Reader: Cries

NEW MOON

Bella: Yay it’s my birthday but paper cut and my boyfriend left me and my life is over.

Jacob: I am another super hot guy who is crazy about you for no known reason.

Bella: Cool.  Help me attempt suicide cause it makes me have hallucinations of my boyfriend Edward who is better than you.

Jacob: Okay. Jump off a cliff.

Bella: Wow I almost died but Jacob rescued me.

Jacob: I am a hot werewolf and I love you.

Bella: Oh no Edward heard I was dead and is going to kill himself by sparkling

Jacob: Lol, what?

Bella: I must go to Italy and stop him.  Whew he is alive but these other vampires want me to become a vampire.  Edward, turn me into a vampire.

Edward: No.  It would take away your soul. Never.  Unless you marry me.

Bella: Ew, that’s like a real commitment, yuck. Unlike eternal life.

Jacob: Hey, I’m still here guys.

Edward: Stay away from my girlfriend.

Bella: Oh, nooos, two hot guys are fighting over me!

Reader: This can’t get worse.

ECLIPSE

Edward: I want to protect you so no more seeing your friend Jacob

Bella: Hey where is my car battery?

Edward: I took it cause I love you.  There is a vampire chick out to kill you.

Bella: Make me into a vampire.

Edward: Not till you marry meeee.

Bella: Vampire chick is killing lots of people.  Lots of werewolves are mad and want to attack vampires.  I am full of angst.

Edward: Let’s be friends with werewolves after all and kill vampire chick.  Done.

Jacob: I still love you so I’m gonna force you to kiss my furry self.

Bella: Oh, another sign of abuse.  I love you and Edward!  How will I choose?

Edward: It says in the book you choose me.  Let’s get married.

Bella: Okay, I will send an invite to Jacob.  Won’t that be nice?

Reader: It got worse.  Wait – there’s still one more book?  Why????

BREAKING DAWN 

Bella: Yay, a wedding!  I am pretty and married to Edward.  Soon I will give up my soul.

Edward: Let’s honeymoon on my island.  Oops I almost broke you.  My bad.

Bella: That’s okay.  Oh, look, I’m preggers with a demon baby!

Edward: Let’s kill it.

Bella: No ways I luv my baby!  Oh, no, baby broke me.  I will puke blood.

Edward: Gross.  I guess I have to make you a vampire now.

Bella: Yay, I am a vampire and sparkly and perfect and wonderful and demon baby is oh so cute.  I will call her Reneesme.

Jacob: That’s an awful name.  I will totally marry her one day.

Bella: Ew, quit making googly eyes at my baby!

Edward: Other vampires are going to kill our demon baby.  We might have actual action.

Bella: No we won’t.  Cause I will make a shield and protect everybody because I am a special snowflake.  Mean vampires go away.  Yay, together forever and happy!

Reader: Throws book across room.

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