50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jose

As my fabulous vacation to the land of the Mucus Pneumonias draws to a close (it had better be drawing to a close) I return now to another bunch of crap someone spat up.  No, I didn’t forget about that festering disease known as 50 Shades.  It’s still there, and there’s still, dear God, five chapters left. 


50 Shades of Pneumonia Crap Entering the Lungs


Chapter 18 is full of thrills.  No, it’s not.  It’s full of shit.  Like always.  What’s even worse is that her shit has nothing to do with any other shit she writes.  I mean, normally you divide a story into chapters for some reason.  Like, say, this is the chapter where they screw in the kitchen and the elevator and hanging from the chandelier, and this is the chapter where Ana is almost raped by Snidely Whiplash on the copier.  There’s some consistency of some vague sort, somewhere, somehow.  But not with E.L. James.  Sure, she does try to end on a cliffhanger, if you find “will they have sex” a cliffhanger after they’ve had it roughly 5 billion times already.  But otherwise, it’s a bunch of freaking pick up sticks.  Why?  Just why?


Help the nice man put E.L. James’s chapter together!

For instance, this chapter involves shopping for a big fancy house, and Christian telling Ana to take off her panties again, and them teasing each other with oysters again, and him fingering her in the elevator again, before finally screwing on the coffee table.  Also, Ana picks out another present for Christian from the Red Room o’ Pain!  This goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages.  But that’s not all! No, no, no, then Jose and Kate show up from out of freaking nowhere!  Of course they do!  And obviously no chapter is complete without the goddamn emails.


Just LOOK at this kitty, James.


But I was going to interview someone, so I guess I’ll go with one of the two characters she has ignored until realizing that she has taken care of any potential conflict and yet has five chapters yet to go.  We’ll start with Jose.



Alice: Hello, Jose.  Where have you been?

Jose: Oh, lurking.  I think Ana really likes me.

Alice: Why?

Jose: Because she’s shown absolutely no interest in me so far, and is currently shacked up with this rich asshole.

Alice: Makes sense.  Here’s another question.  Why are you interested in her to begin with?

Jose: Because . . . um . . . she’s beguiling, and witty, and intelligent and . . .

Alice: No, she’s not.

Jose: She speaks Mandarin and plays all these musical instruments!

Alice: Not once have we seen her do any of those things.

Jose:  Huh.  Good point there.  She’s hot.

Alice: At least we’re getting somewhere now.  You do realize you were shuttled off to the Friend Zone years ago and are never, ever getting out, right?

You are Here

Jose: I think there’s hope.  She really responded when I tried to rape her that night we got drunk.  I mean, we’re still totally tight after all that.

Alice: That’s because she’s an idiot and has no spine. 

Jose: Alice, you are not very nice.

Alice: No.  I’m not.  Because I hate you.  I hate you all.  Now tell me what the hell happened this chapter?  I mean, part of it was them flirting and screwing each other and house shopping, and you weren’t there for that . . . crap, were you there?

Jose: I might, might have been following them.

Alice: I . . . nevermind.  So she invited you to stay at Christian’s place.

Jose: Yeah. I asked if they were serious.

Alice: They’re freaking living together, you moron.

Jose: And then I pointed out that he’s, like, too old for her.

Alice: He’s five years older and they’re both in their twenties.  Big fucking deal.

Jose: Then Kate showed up with her brother Ethan, and Ethan was all hot after Ana, and that made me madfaced.

Alice: I don’t give a shit.

Jose: But then came the best part!  Christian’s brother said the Charlie Tango was missing.

Alice: The what?

Jose: That’s Christian’s helicopter.

Alice: Oh, right.  Ohhhh, you mean missing?  So is he dead?  Because I don’t want to break out the champagne for nothing.

Jose: We don’t know.  That’s how the chapter ends.  I’m kind of hoping it went down in flames and just exploded all over the place, sending pieces of Christian everywhere.

Alice: We can dream, Jose.  We can dream.*


Bye, Christian!!!!

*I know there’s no way he could be dead, because we have four more chapters and, sweet white baby Jesus, another book to go.  But allow me my little moment of happy thoughts.

8 responses

  1. Wow. What’s wore, the pneumonia or 50 Shades? Or does 50 Shades spread pneumonia?

    On a more serious note, I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    1. 50 Shades is responsible for like every bad thing in the universe. It spreads Stupid better than anything but I have heard of others getting sick after reading. Speaker is kicking out her tonsils. They had enough. So there you go.

      I am better in that I’m not coughing up lung, but I get tired eating and going to the restroom, which is unusual even for me. I am typing this on the laptop which explains the lbksxkjkd.

  2. Oh this chapter sucked on a monumental level. Christian tells Ana off for almost getting raped … Bad bad Ana and Ana almost pees herself with worry coz her Fifty isn’t answering her emails a nanosecond after she sends one to him. Oooh is he mad at me almost getting raped. He is so mercurial. It’s not surprising ur in hospital Alice.

    1. I know. Whatever will Ana do without Captain Asshole? And they both go into convulsions if there isn’t immediate response on email. Holy frack, try texting each other. It’s faster, you morons. Or perhaps just get surgically attached to each other. Then they can quit abusing that poor kitty.

  3. Do you think Ana can put back the pieces of Charlie Tango with her magical ‘gina? I have no doubt the ‘gina will “raise the dead”. Don’t worry Ana, you can fix it all!

    Hmmmm thought helicopter was the safest on the market…Alice did you pay one of those Crazy Amish gals to take down the C.T.?

    1. Ana’s magical ‘gina can cure Cancer and build huts in Africa. I’m sure it can put a helicopter back together. Amish terrorists are an interesting idea, though. I mean they do spurn that technology and all.

  4. Oh my god! What if Christian’s dead?!? This most definitely is not something that will be resolved two pages into the next chapter. No way. This is some serious heavy writing right now.

    On a happier note, glad you’re feeling less mucous-y.

    1. Holy crap, I know – that was so full of flaming balls of stupid. Way to draw out the tension, E.L. She couldn’t take Christipoo being out of the story for more than five minutes of heart-stopping tension. I love how everyone gathers all sadfaced like they just lost Mother Teresa again or something.

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