50 Shades Dumber Interviews the New and Even Worse Ana

I just finished chapter 14 of Anabobimbo Steele’s memoirs and I have to report something I didn’t think possible.  Christian is acting at least partially like a human, but  James can’t have two almost human people in a relationship.  This means Ana has to become an even bigger bitchy idiot.  I mean, what a time to decide you don’t want to slap her around anymore, Christian!

The hospital was nice, and I liked the Jello.  But I guess it’s time to go out that revolving door and face the music.  Oh, look, here it is. 

Ana
Now with more bitchiness!

Ana: Alice!  You’re back! 

Alice: Yeah, I’m gonna check myself back in.

Ana: Don’t you want to know what happened with Christian and me?

Alice: No.

Ana: But Alice, what about your readerrrrrs?

Alice: They hate you too.  That’s why they read.  But fine, what happened?

Ana: Oh, there was just so much fuckedupness!  I am exhausted.

Alice: I guess being held at gunpoint might do that to you.

Ana: Oh, posh, not that.  Christian and I had this deep talk. It was DEEP.

Alice: I bet.

Ana: I told him that without him I will be in a world without light.  I’ll be in darkness.

Alice: Lack of light tends to do that.

Ana: And I said I couldn’t figure out why he found ME, who every man in the universe is sexually attracted to, beautiful.  Especially since he is the most beautifulest wonderful sexy amazing man with pants that hang on his hips just so and . . .

Alice: We know. 

Ana: Finally Christian spoke!  He said he was scared and sadfaced because he might have caused Leila’s mental breakdown.

Alice: No, really?  I thought ceiling hanging was the latest form of therapy.

Ana: Next I poked him in the chest and slobbered on all those scars crackwhore’s pimp left on his chest.

Alice: Three cheers for psychological torture.

Ana: And then he made his confession, what he thought would make me run away!  He said he liked to whip little brown-haired girls like me because we look like his crackwhore birth mom!

Aw, little Christian with his package

Alice: Yeah, that’s – that’s healthy right there.

Ana: I was so devastated.  We’re incompatible, because I can’t give him what he needs.  He needs to beat people, you know.

Alice: Right.  So the whole you look like his mom so he wants to hit you and have sex with you – that just kinda slipped on by you?

Ana: He told me he doesn’t need to beat me anymore.  I said I can’t believe I cured him that fast.

Alice: Me neither.

Ana: I told him this was so fucked up.  He’s afraid I might leave him again.  I wanted to know how I could convince him I wouldn’t leave.  And he – oh Alice – he proposed to me!

Alice: Just – what?  I do dirty painful sex with Mommy look-a-likes, hey, let’s get married?

Ana: Yes.  Oh, what to do, what to do?  I couldn’t decide, so I just rolled around and laughed at his proposal.

Alice: That’s . . . sensitive. 

Ana: I said it was strange timing and he said “Fair point well made.”  Why are you twitching, Alice?

Alice: I will hurt you if you say that again.  Keep going.

Ana: He ordered me to eat, and I was so comforted, because old Christian was coming back to me!

Alice: Yay.

Ana: The microwave binged which told us our food was warmed through.

Alice: Thank God you explained that.

Ana: He said Taylor was still out looking for me.

Alice: So he didn’t feel the need to, um, call him and tell him to stop?

See this Jello? Mmmm.
Just try to think of the Jello.

Ana: No.  I asked him what he did with Leila after I left him.  And he, oh, this is so agonizing!  He said he talked to her, and bathed her and dressed her in fresh clothes!

Alice: What an asshole.

Ana: I know!  He saw her naked, Alice.  Naked!  I was horrified!  That was so inappropriate.  I wanted to howl in pain and agony. I asked if he still had feelings for her.

Alice: Oh, good grief.

Ana: He said he cared for her, like one human to another, and it was like bathing a broken child.  Can you BELIEVE that?

Alice: No.  That actually sounds . . . decent of him.

Ana: Decent?  Did I mention he saw her without her clothes?  He saw her “down there” and I just can’t abide that.

Alice: Just, look you little twit.  The girl was totally broken, dirty, and scared.  He helped wash her and put some clothes on her.  He wasn’t turned on because she was a total basket case, which by the way, actually shows he is a freaking human being!  This is the kind of thing you want, you idiot!

Ana: But it just hurt, that he took care of someone besides me, me, me.  So I yelled at him, and I went to the bathroom and surrendered to huge, chest-wrenching sobs.

Alice: I hate you.  So much.

Ana: Oh, whatever am I going to do?

Alice: Right now you’re going away.  And I’m going back in for some Lime Jello. *

* Is it possible to hate a fictional character this much?  I’m going to ask the nice doctors. I just realized there’s still over a hundred pages left.  I am going to surrender to huge, chest-wrenching sobs – and then eat Jello.

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28 responses

  1. Oh I had forgotten the marriage proposal came right after the big reveal. That is so romantic.

    1. Oh, yeah, the romance just oozes out. I want to beat you and have sex with you because you look like mommy the crackwhore. Oh, well, as long as you aren’t crushin’ on Leila or Mrs. Robinson, we’re good! Why do I think she’d be jealous of crackwhore if she was still alive? You know she would.

  2. The “Fair point if I continue writing this sentence as James’ poor, enslaved chimpanzees did, over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and. . .” So much pain

    Seriously, it only gets worse. I was fighting not to rip pages out and burn them by the third book, which in light of my love of books and my principles means so much more than I could ever hope to convey. And yet I read. I blame my OCD.

    Also, the word mercurial – which I swear in another lifetime, I liked. . . I think – never want to read it again. Not even in reference to a thermometer.

    If I were you, I would switch the Jello out for Jello shots. Soon.

    1. I’m a couple chapters ahead, and I forget why, but there was rage. I think it might have been the “zomg I love my widdle christipoooo so much and repeat every phrase ever and sex scene and why does he like meee and no you hang up, no you.” And I beat my nook into the table until there were sparks. Not really. But tempting.

      I might have to get the last one in paper so I can do horrible torturous things to it. And Jello shots sound nice. Maybe even mercurial.

  3. Alice,
    Between your blog and Speaker7’s blog, I will never need to approach these books. And that is a good thing. A very good thing.
    Le Clown

    1. Yes. I kept picturing speaker’s Goofy with the hairclip on the side of her head and the caption “What is up her butt?” It helped me get through it.

    2. theabrasiveembrace | Reply

      Agreed! I have no idea how Alice makes it through this thing…how many pages to go?

      1. Right?? They should win a special award for making it through a whole book written in turd.

  4. ” And I said I couldn’t figure out why he found ME, who every man in the universe is sexually attracted to, beautiful.”

    You know I kept on asking myself the same question over and over and over again.

    Ooooh and let’s not forget Christian’s submissive pose to Ana. When I first read that … and you may spank me stupid for saying this … I actually felt sorry for Christian. God Ana is a awful. Oh and if it’s actually humanly possible she gets worse – oh so much worse. Lord help me now.

    Love the suggestion about the Jello shots – totally on board with that one and I would join you … but I’m currently in “maybe baby” mode.

    1. I actually did too – a tiny bit anyway. I mean, she gets what she freaking wants – he decides to stop hitting her – and then she’s like oh but I like it when he hits me, no I don’t, oh yes I do, oh poo, what to do? And the shit with being jealous of him helping Leila when he was just being halfway decent – a&^&*%GDF IEWY EW OWTYE*!

      I may be past the jello shots and onto hard drugs before this is through.

  5. “Is it possible to hate a fictional character this much?” YES! I hate both Ana and Christian so much I can barely believe myself! They are the worst characters ever written, period.

    Great interview!

    1. I’ve never wanted to slap characters so many times in a single page than I have them. It’s like trying to walk and hitting a speed bump every couple feet. da da da “Point well made” da da “my Fifty” da da “mouth in hard line” da da “twitchy palms” da da arghhhhhhhh.

  6. I love your interviews. “We know.” The pants, the magical sex-inducing body wash, the down there care bear stare. I agree with Ruby, Jello shots. Soon.

    1. Down there Care Bear stare! Care bears, don’t care! Hahaha. Thank you. Jello shots – with a side of heroine.

  7. Bwhahahaa! I love your I ❤ crackwhore picture!
    If I see that sentence again, the fair points one (I can't even type the whole thing!), I might just try to strangle myself. Probably with a sex toy.

    1. As a catchphrase it’s even suckier than Laters Baby

      1. I want to hurt him when he says that.

      2. No! Not Laters Baby! Anything but Laters Baby!

      3. Oh, did you know there’s a fan site called “Laters, Baby”? Oh, the horror. I am so tempted to inflitrate.

    2. I’m glad you appreciated my fab photoshop work there. Doesn’t that child look evil? I thought he was a perfect Christian.

      Me too with the strangling. Just got past the chapter where he introduces her to all his sex toys and she gets all happy “down there” at his collection of buttplugs and ballgags. It is so epic. I might cry.

  8. I actually start feeling bad for Christian because it is as if Ana purposely F’s with him. Seriously Ana he has serious mental issues, he was abused physically as a child, abused sexual as a teen…

    The thing that makes me totally yuck is that Ana is so caught up in physical appearance that if Christian was not attractive NO WAY inhell she would be with him! So who cares she doesn’t want him for his money, she is still shallow, Christian. When you have a pot belly and are bald she will hit the road.

    Wow that was way too serious!

    Maybe we should just lock Christian away from Ana and let him have some lime jello…

    1. It does, doesn’t it? It’s like she’s paying him back for all the “I want you, stay away” crap from the first book. Now she’s “you mean man you hurt me in the red room” to “I can’t go in the red room? Wahhh.” He even says “you’re sending me mixed messages” which is really the thing to do when dealing with a psychopath. Except I guess she is on too.

      And that IS the lesson of both this and Twilight it seems. If you’re hot, anything you do is okay. They wouldn’t be so thrilled to have a creepy ugly guy stalking them. Never mind that some of our scariest killers were good looking and charming. Scott Peterson, for instance? He has women mailing him love letters in jail. Dude killed his wife and unborn baby.

      And these people can vote. Scared.

      1. Bravo! Sorry for all the typos and errors…madly typing away on my iPhone without editing…tsk tsk

  9. “Lack of light tends to do that.”
    I’d react the same way :D.
    Ever funny, Alice!

    1. Thanks. She is Captain Obvious. Look, the microwave has warmed our food. The orange juice is thirst-quenching and refreshing. I DON”T CARE. Another bone I’ll have to pick later – why does she keep describing what this girl wears? I don’t care about her damn clothes every single time she dresses. Arghhhhhh.

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