The Number of the Day is 42
And the letters are F and U! Just kidding! No, it’s Merry’s birthday and she did a post for me, which means I should do one for her. My post-making has not been awesome lately, but you do what you have to do, even if it is literally on the day it’s due. So I made her a picture and stuff, cause I couldn’t even make the balloons on Facebook. I tried, but it kept trying to make me celebrate my OWN birthday, which I didn’t want to do again, especially when it was her turn. I hate Facebook and their stupid celebration stuff. Boo.
Check THIS out stupid Facebook.
She’s 42 today! Which is awesome, cause that means she’s made it 42 years even with death and disease and terrorism and Trump! I mean, you think of ALL the things that could kill you literally any second and it’s amazing any of us are here! We could get run over by trucks today! Wait. This does not sound like a birthday post. Sorry!
In all seriousness, I do count Mer among my best friends because even though we haven’t met in person, like my other close friends, she has been here for me. Sometimes more than others can cause she’s on the other side of the screen all the time. Well, not all the time, I mean she goes to the bathroom and sleeps, but often she’s there. And she helps me through the day. Which is all any of us can do. What with genocide and hurricanes and all.
We met with a Fruitcake award, and made ourselves super heroes, and we are still hanging out, even if it’s on the web. So happy birthday to my Wonder Twin. And many more!
Saying we don’t have the Apocalypse! We can share a bunker!
Love,
Alice
The Wide World of Underwear!
I was looking at some vintage underwear ads the other day – what? I like vintage. Shut up. Anyway, a lot of them were either hilarious or in the case of the ones containing the words “electric” or “radiation”, somewhat scary.
But then I considered our modern underwear ads. These are also often either blatantly offensive or unintentionally hilarious too, at least to me. Two of the biggest underwear companies – by numbers of ads that is, not by size of the underoos – would have to be Calvin Klein and Victoria’s Secret. So I concentrated on googling the ads. I googled a few of them quite a bit!
Not really. I mean, yes, there are hunky men and beautiful, though somewhat anorexic, women, but it’s hard to be “natural” while standing around in your underwear. People just don’t do this. So I collected some of my favorites from around the Internetz.
The eyes . . . the EYES. Haha, so clever, Victoria!
OMG, stop Victoria, I’m rolling here!
I especially love the second ad. I mean, they’re saying “double major” and she has TWO boobs. Personally, I’m wondering if there is an ad for a single major based on a woman with a uniboob right in the center of her chest. Now that would be interesting.
Enough of the girls, though, let’s move onto the boys. Now, yes, most of these men do have nice bodies, I’ll give them that. But I still crack up when I see them. I’m sorry guys, most girls aren’t nearly as fond of that package as you are. It’s really kind of funny looking. So seeing these guys proudly stick these out and try to act casual at the same time is entertaining, to say the least.
For men who carry boomerangs in their shorts.
Word has it that model David Beckham is suspected of having his family jewels enlarged via photoshop. All I can say is – God I hope so. I don’t think any girl wants one quite that big.
Sitting in the principal’s office is hard enough when you’re not in your underwear! Poor kid.
So, Todd, what do you make of that situation in the Middle East?
The two guys hanging out together in their underoos is pretty funny, but you have to check out the vintage ads for true weirdness. Considering how rampant homophobia was then, they sure did like having guys chilling together in only their underwear, as if this was something they did every day.
But then there’s the men and women hanging out together in their underwear. There’s no sexy times to it, really, no they’re just being casual.
Huh, I didn’t think a pea would stay in your belly button that long . . .
Hey, anybody want to get a pizza?
Girl: Where is the rest of my hair?
Boy: You think I scalped it? Come on, let’s get back to Tennis.
If you think these ads are offensive, weird, or funny, you should see the retro ads I referred to earlier. Check them out on The Wonder Twins.
Post? What Post?
This post is hereby dedicated to all the posts I forgot to do. The ideas I said I’d surely continue but never did. I’m not sure if anyone has noticed this, but about the only ‘series’ I have actually finished is 50 Shades. That’s a bit sad. I’m not sure if I have ADD – but I do know I have CRC (can’t remember crap). Fortunately, either my readers also have CRC or they just don’t care if I finish or not. But just for the heck of it, I thought I’d bring up the number of ideas I had and then abandoned. Thanks to this guy.
What’d I do? Huh? Got any nuts?
I started with this October and worked my way backwards, cause that’s how I roll. Backwards. Anyway, I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I never did go back and finish the movie recap of this little gem:
I just know you’re on the edge of your seat waiting.
Oddly enough, I have not heard any clamor for, hey, Alice, you only did the first like 15 minutes of this movie! We really want to see more! Like more of Jeremy Irons and his No Good, Very Bad Day.
Why, Jeremy, why?
But that’s not all! Surely you guys remember . . .
Boppo!
My little creation from the disturbed computer game The Sims 2. haven’t tortured this guy in AGES. My kids have been most disappointed because I am apparently raising them to be virtual killing machines. Anyway, I do intend to get back to Boppo eventually, but I got distracted by a little side project that I think you might enjoy even more. Here’s a sneak peek.
Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .
Who else have I forgotten? Well, this lady technically belongs on the Wonder Twins blog (see above in the headings for yet another plug for my other blog) but she has been strangely absent.
Mary Alice, where are you???
I’m not sure if the cleaning fumes got to her or she finally had a complete meltdown, killed her husband with a frying pan, and then ran off to the nuthouse. More likely she’s just still vacuuming. On the plus side, Marlene has been keeping up appearances. Marlene is a lot more interesting. Maybe Mary Alice should find the trampier side of Sears.
Another thing you’ve been missing but you probably haven’t realized you have, which is highly dangerous for your astrological welfare, is my horoscope readings.
Is Jupiter aligned with Mars? How will you ever know without ME?
Just because I get my predictions from the likes of Dove candy wrappers and my own feverish brain does not mean they are any less accurate than the ones you get in your daily paper. Your newspaper. You know, it’s made out of newsprint and they throw it on your sidewalk and . . . what’s newsprint? Oh, never mind.
Speaking of people who can’t read anything longer than a Cosmo article (this includes me), there’s Bambi! And Dick Head! The stars of my 50 Shades parody (I swear I can write about other stuff. Maybe.).
It’s me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!
I wrote parodies of the first two books but the last one remains unfinished. It could be because every book in the real series is just a repeat of the one before that, but still. If I finished the real books, I should finish further insulting James with my parody. Right?
Oh and there were others, like my weight loss quest (pfft) and my yoga to make me relax quest (double pfft) and so on. I’m not sure when or if I’m getting back on that horse. Horses. Whatever. Anyway, this was basically the equivalent of a flashback TV show where they insert a bunch of old crap rather than coming up with new stuff, only this post has even less production value.
I guess what I’m wondering is – is there something else to write about? Should I finish what I started? I know, if you had ideas, you’d be using them on your blog, right? But think about it. Probably your blog doesn’t have much room for squirrels, ponies and buttplugs, but mine does! So if you have ideas, or you just want me to shut up already, please say so in the comments below.
Ask Mary Alice
Mary Alice, 1950s professional housewife, answers more questions she totally made up – I mean that were submitted by other women. Learn about how to keep hubby and kids occupied for hours!
aliceatwonderland 