All My Thrones
Hey, all, I was cleaning out my draft folder of doom, and found this review of Game of Thrones from er 2014 (?) that I possibly didn’t publish, since I can’t find it anywhere. Since people are all into the last season and all that, I figured I’d throw it up here so they can be reminded that it’s been insane since the beginning. Also, it’s a post! Check out up top for like a few other episodes, woot.
Welcome back, sparkleponies! It’s gonna be a hot time in the old Westeros tonight! Or something! A really cool thing happens in this episode. It involves Rat Nose and a bunch of molten gold. But we’ll get to that.
But it’s the best part of the episode. Besides Tyrion, naturally.
We start off with Ned lying in bed with a big owie. King Fatty and Queen Bitchy argue about what to do with Ned. The king is like crap, just get your stupid wife to release Tyrion who is the only decent part of this show and make up with that creeper Jaime so I can get back to drinking. Queen Bitchy wants him punished cause he’s so irritatingly good and then insults her husband saying she wears the iron pants in this family. He slaps her. I don’t normally applaud this, but in her case, yay!
Ned wants to go home, but the king is like if I have to suffer so do you, and gives him his job as the Hand back. Ned says “oh yay.”
Dany of the Barbarians plays with dragon eggs and fire, but doesn’t get burned. Do not try this with dragon eggs at home, kids.
That stupid three-eyed raven appears in Bran Stark’s dream again and I have no idea what that means and don’t care. His saddle is made so he gets to happily ride off straight into trouble which is what happens when you have a teenager babysit his little brother. Bran is nearly killed by a bunch of forest hobos, but is rescued, so we get to continue to hear him whine. Yay.
Arya Stark practices with her sword fighting instructor, who looks like some dude from the cast of Fame. She learns the only god she should worship is Death, and she should tell him “Not today.” Considering this story, you might as well worship death cause you see a lot of the guy, and it probably will be today.
Back to Dany again who is eating a bloody horse heart. Yummy! She has to eat the whole thing and not puke so someone can do a prophecy of her unborn kid – yeah that’s right, she’s pregnant, remember? She manages to keep it down, cause, wtf how did she do that? I couldn’t keep down toast! Anyway, the priestess says she will have “the stallion that mounts the world” and the less said about that the better. Dany yells that she’ll name her son Prego or something and the barbarians chant while Beefcake carries her around like she won the Superbowl.
Tyrion offers to confess to his crimes and is taken out of his sky cell. His crimes include lying, gambling, cheating, sleeping with prostitutes, and playing practical jokes. Hell, he’s so pure compared to the others he could be on this world’s Barney and Friends. Then he insists on a trial from Lady Psycho (Cate Stark’s sister.) It occurs to me I’m going to have trouble distinguishing people if I name them “pscyho”. Anyway, he gets his trial by combat. Psycho’s champion is a noble knight and Tyrion’s is a sword by hire named Brawn or yeah that works. Tyrion’s buddy wins, cause remember honor = stupid. Tyrion walks out of the place whistling.
King Fatty goes hunting while his squire (part of the eeeevil Lannister fam) gives him more and more wine. I can’t imagine where THIS could be going.
A peasant refugee from some massacre (ain’t that always happenin’ with them peasants?) says that Mountain guy, who works for the Lannisters (doesn’t everyone?) was behind it. Why? Out of revenge for Ned’s idiot wife taking Tyrion. D’oh! So Ned declares the guy an enemy of the throne, cause doing that to someone who works for the sociopaths in charge is a brilliant idea. Remember. Nobility = No Common Sense.
Sansa Stark (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) acts like a rude little twit to her . . . nurse? I dunno, and like Sansa, I don’t care. Joffrey pretends to be sorry and gives her a kiss (fumigate, fumigate) and Sansa is all in LURRVE and mad, mad, mad that Dad is making her leave this charming place for her own safety! Gawd, Dad! Ned looks in the Big Book o’ Thrones and sees that all the others in the king’s line had black hair but his kids have blond hair which means oh-oh unless you know, genetics, but they don’t know that stuff I guess so oh well.
Back with the barbarians, Rat Nose gets drunk and threatens to kill Dany’s baby right in front of Beefcake, who is like 3 of Rat Nose. Beefcake finally gets fed up and tells him he can have his crown. Then he has his men hold Rat Nose down while he throws gold in a hot cauldron and Rat Nose thinks oh crap, this might have been a bad idea, right before Beefcake pours gold all over his head, saying “A crown for a king.” Dude only knows like 10 words, but he makes them count. Buh-bye Rat Nose!
Now for our song. To the tune of “The Love Boat”
Game of Thrones (The Death Boat)
Climb Aboard. They’re expecting you. (bwah ha ha)
Death, life’s final reward.
Stab someone, they’ll try to stab you too
Game-of-Thrones! Promises something for everyone
Sex and violence
And Tyrion insulting peeps
Like an open wound or a festering sore
Game of Throoooooooooones! It’s Game of Throoooones! (hey-ah!)
Season 1, Episode 6
Death toll: 2, some knight guy, Rat Nose
Nakey toll: 1, Some prostitute lifts up her dress as a goodbye. And some people just send cards!
As the Throne Turns
Game of Thrones, yayyyyy. For the last recap, see the Game of Thrones Recap button at the top. Saying I’ve bothered to transfer them over there. Crap there’s a lot of stuff in this one. Let’s get to it.
“Jousting with the Stars” is still going on. Ned keeps poking around asking questions. More tournament blood and gore.
Meanwhile, Ned’s wife is busy endangering her entire family by dragging along poor Tyrion, who asks “What kind of imbecile would arm an assassin with his own blade?” Uh, dur-rup, Lady Stark. They get attacked by some random dudes and Tyrion protects his captor who shows her appreciation by dragging him to her sister, who Tyrion describes as unhinged (surprise!), because . . . I forget.
Back at Winterfell, Bran Stark is doing homework written by George R. R. Martin. He’s learning the different houses of all these crazy characters (good luck, kid). Each house has a motto, and the Lannister’s is “Hear Me Roar”. Pfft, seriously?
That kid who isn’t a Stark but was raised by the Starks cause he’s a prisoner of the Starks (keep up) goes on about his great bloodline to a prostitute who just sits there naked. Totally normal.
Ned is visited by this bald dude on his council who had his balls cut off. He tells him that the last Hand of the King was probably murdered by this knight that just got killed by Mountain and Ned is like, who would hire that guy to kill the Hand? Oh, gee, let me think.
No-balls also warns Ned that the last Hand was killed cause he started asking questions. In other words, stfu, Ned. Gawd. Cute little Arya Stark overhears no-balls talking about Ned but has no idea what’s going on (like the rest of us) but even she figures out it’s not good. Ned pats her on the head.
Weasel Boy and No-Balls talk about how the brothel caters to everyone, even those who like little boys and dead people! Also about how No-Balls has no balls! Yay, that was so necessary to the plot, thanks so much! They gossip some more like girls in a junior high bathroom until mercifully interrupted to go to a council meeting. At the meeting, the king says they gotta kill Dany, cause that Jor-El dude told him the pregnant teen and her barbarian buds are a threat. Ned’s like, no way that’s not cool, and the king is yeah huh is so and Ned says well I quit and throws down his badge. And the king says “We are totes not buds anymore!”
So Weasel Boy is all hey I can give you more clues about the death of the last Hand that can totally get you killed, or, you know, you could just beat cheeks and get the hell out of here. So Ned goes with him. Of course he does.
Meanwhile, Cate Stark gets to her sister’s with Tyrion. Her wackadoodle sister is sitting there breastfeeding her son who looks like he’s about seven or eight. Turns out dear sister went batshit crazy when she didn’t make it on the cover of Time Magazine. But even she realizes that Cate is a moron for bringing Tyrion there and endangering them all. Lady Cray-Cray accuses Tyrion of murdering her husband, and Tyrion remarks that gee, he’s been pretty damn busy. He’s put in one of the “sky cells” which are rooms with a hell of a view – like thousands of feet below.
But enough of that, let’s see a gay dude shaving his lover’s chest. I forget who they were.
Queen Cersei and King Robert yammer about possible invasion by barbarians and if he ever twuly luved her. He says “Hell, no.”
Ned finds one of King Robert’s baby bastards (they love that word) and her mom in Weasleboy’s brothel. Weaselboy says the last Hand was tracking down all the king’s bastards for some reason. That’s a lot of bastards. Bastards.
Ned leaves and runs into Cersei’s brother / lover (gag) Jaime and Jaime is all, where is my brother who I suddenly care about? And Ned’s like, oh shit, and says he ordered his idiot wife to capture him cause he’s noble which in this universe translates to “has no freaking common sense”. Jaime has his men kill Ned’s men, and Ned gets madfaced, and they fight until one of Jaime’s guards spear’s Ned’s leg. Ned fall down and go boom.
Things are lookin’ bad! Don’t worry, it’s all downhill from here! Oh, right, a song. To Full House!
Game Full of Thrones
Whatever happened to peeps with nobility?
Like Ned Stark, and Tyrion, and that’s about it.
You miss your old happy shows
But waiting just around the bend
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a bunch (there’s a bunch)
Of crazy evil people
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a face of someone who wants to kill you
When you’re into the characters
And you hope they live
An author is waiting to kill them all off
Everyone is screwed.
Season 1: Episode 5
Death toll: Lots
Nakey toll: 3: 1 totally naked prostitute, two bare chested dudes (whose chests were not impressive, no fair)
The Throne and the Brainless
It’s been a while since I’ve written a Game of Thrones recap. If you need to catch up on earlier recaps, you can find them under the tab that um, says “Game of Thrones Recaps”.
Anyhoo, there are a lot of sayings that are bandied about on Game of Thrones. One is “Winter is coming”. Another is “A Lannister always pays his debts.” But the most important saying of all is missing. I quote from the great movie “Spaceballs” . . .
“. . . Evil will always triumph because Good is DUMB.” – Lord Helmet
Okay, on with the review. Woot.
First off, Tyrion stops off at Winterfell and is totes awesome, as usual. Really, they should just give this guy the whole damn show. Robb Stark (High Babysitter of Winterfell) is a snotty twit to him, cause he’s a Stark kid. Tyrion schools him on common courtesy, then presents a saddle design that will allow Bran Stark to ride horses again, saying he has “a weakness for cripples, bastards, and broken things.” Yeah, you’re pretty much surrounded by them, Tyrion.
Tyrion leaves and sees this kid named Theon Greyjoy (no really), who is like a prisoner of the Starks but raised by them because I don’t know, but Tyrion insults the crap out of him, which was funny.
Next we’re back at THE WALL with Pouty McPouterson, er, Jon Snow, who in case you forgot, is Ned Stark’s bastard. I know Jon doesn’t forget since he’s reminded of it in every damn episode. They get a new chubby kid, who the others name “Piggy” and oh oh, I remember another fat kid called Piggy and he didn’t meet a good end. Sure enough, they try to beat the crap out of the kid until Jon stops him. Playground politics at its finest, folks.
Back to Dany and the Barbarians. They reach the capital of Horse Land and Rat Nose (Dany’s brother, keep up) acts like a total asshat again. Surprise. That other white dude (Jor-El?) says the Dorkraki, fierce warriors, won’t go to Knot’s er King’s Landing cause they can’t cross the Narrow Sea because they are afraid of . . . salt water. Maybe Rat Nose should have looked this up before hiring them as an army.
Rat Nose takes a bath with this naked girl who taught Dany how to do the Lambada with Beefcake – no wait, that was another girl. Maybe.
Ned Stark, the King’s new right “Hand” gets stuck in another meeting with the Dream Team council, and finds out that the Tournament he didn’t want is causing all kinds of bloodshed, but hey the whores are walkin’ all bowlegged cause sex! So you know, business as usual.
Ned starts snoopin’ around to find out who killed the last King’s Hand. Um, Ned, this is how people in horror movies die. Just sayin’.
Arya, spunky younger Stark daughter, is balancing on one foot cause she’s gonna be the next Karate Kid. Dad says “One day you’ll get to be a nobleman’s wife! Fun!” She thinks that would suck. Smart kid.
Weasel Boy yammers about his spies and crap to poor Ned and says not to trust anybody. Well, duh.
More Ned snooping.
Jaime (half of the twincest) Lannister yammering to – someone. They might have said something important.
Dany gives Rat Nose a gift and he smacks her for it. But she hits him back saying that the next time he raises a hand to her he won’t have hands. Do it, do it, do it!
Back at THE WALL, Jon protects Piggy, er Sam, and they get kitchen duty. Jon says he’s a virgin cause he doesn’t want to make more bastards. Hundreds of fan girls offer to marry him and help him out with that virgin thing.
Dany starts to realize that maybe Ratnose won’t make a good leader. Duh.
Two dudes fight in a tournament. The huge one called Mountain kills the other one. Mountain is the big brother of the Hound. They have another brother named Flower they never talk about.
Queen Cersei and Ned playfully threaten each other.
Tyrion shows up at an inn where Ned’s wife is staying. She accuses him of trying to murder her son, and orders the men there to arrest him. Cause it’s always a good idea to publicly accuse a rich, powerful man of a crime when your husband has to work with this rich, powerful man’s sociopathic family. Ned’s wife is an idiot.
Oh, yeah a song – crap it’s gonna be hard to keep this up. Gilligan’s Island everyone!
Game of Thrones Island
Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of an idiot
Her name was Catelyn Stark
and she is such a stupid twit
She’s married to a guy named Ned
And that dude’s stupid too
He’s being all noble and soon
He’s gonna be all dead.
With Jon Snow, and the dwarf too
King Robert and his pycho wife
Buncha prostitutes and the demon seed
Here on Game of Thrones!
Season 1, Episode 4
Death Toll: 1, Some knight dude
Nakey Toll: 2, Dany’s handmaiden and, unfortunately, Rat Nose’s concave chest.
Wheel of Thrones
Welcome to the Game of Thrones! The Survival game show where everyone fights to sit on the pointiest throne ever! But who will get voted off this week? Will we vote off the evil, useless people or the few noble ones for shock value? Let’s find out while we playyyyyy the Game of Thrrrronnnnnes! (cue applause track)
Let’s meet our contestants.
The Stark Family
First off is Ned who has just arrived on the island (King’s Landing). He’s a good, noble lord who only chops off heads when there’s a good, noble reason for it. Like someone ran away from a horde of zombie monsters. He’s joined by his wife Catelyn, who likes to shout out accusations of treason to very dangerous people with power and weapons. Also we have the Stark children: Jon (the pouting bastard who went to guard a big wall), another brother Robb (left home to babysit the house), Sansa (whiny teenager), Arya (cute little girl with a deadly sword to play with), and Bran (the obnoxious paralyzed kid who remembers squat). And I think there’s another brother, but who cares? What are their chances? Here? Oh, yeah, they’re screwed.
The Lannister Family
Now here is a group of contenders, because sociopaths, while insane, are pretty good at getting what they want. Jaime is an obnoxious twit who gets the honor of guarding the king’s chamber while the king bangs prostitutes instead of his actual wife, Jaime’s sister, Cersei. But that’s okay, cause Jaimie bangs her for him. They have three children (oh ew), Joffrey (the demon seed) and two other kids no one cares about. Finally, there’s Tyrion, brother to the pyscho twins. He’s a dwarf, but don’t count him out cause he’s smarter than most of the cast (not that hard) and also, he’s awesome. His hobbies are avoiding his insane family, playing with prostitutes, and peeing off tall walls.
The Baratheon Family
King Robert is a fatty who likes to put the kingdom in debt by spending money he doesn’t have on war games that get people killed. So kind of like most of our presidents, only he’s even more brazen about the prostitutes. His wife, Cersei, wants her little freak son on the throne. She tells him everyone else is “the enemy”. Great parenting there. Joffrey Baratheon is not really a Baratheon, but he’s in line for the throne anyway because either the king is too dumb to realize the kid is way too blond to be his, or he just doesn’t care because he doesn’t want to go near the ice bitch.
The Targeryen Family
Older brother Vivisection is a sniveling, skinny creeper who sold his sister for a barbarian army that thinks he’s an asshat. Good play there, Rat Nose. His sister, Dany, is getting braver, and shows it by halting the army so she can go potty or something. While wandering off, her brother tries to kill her and nearly gets killed himself by the barbarians until she spares him. You know the others wanted to vote him off SO BAD. She figures out she’s preggers with a boy (cause she just KNOWS, okay?) Dany gets naked a lot, so she’s not likely to get voted off too soon.
So there we have our main contenders so far. There are several others introduced, but I don’t remember their names, and don’t feel like looking them up. One new guy is called Littlefinger, which just sounds icky. He’s the “master of coin” (cause treasurer is just not fancy enough) who I like to call Weasel Boy. He owns a brothel and slimes into several scenes. I hate him already.
Also we have several guys who hang out at the wall. We want them at this wall! We need them at this wall! Cause there are ice zombies and stuff! And eventually we’ll see one do something. Trust us!
Oh, and by the way, winter is coming. Just in case you forgot.
Now for a song! To the tune of Happy Days.
Game of Thrones Days
Psychos, creepers, Game of Thrones
Bitches, Whiners, Game of Thrones
Rapists, Murderers, Game of Thrones
The winter comes, with sex and violence
Golly this is such a fun show!
Their days are shorrrrrrrt
Full of nastiness (oh sucky days!)
Their days are shorrrrrrrt
Watch ’em die with me (oh sucky days!)
Season 1, Episode 3
Death Toll: Sadly o (I think?)
Nakey Toll: A few bare boobs in the brothel. Half of Dany.
Alice Watches Game of Thrones
Okay, so I wrote a post mocking Game of Thrones already, but I hadn’t actually seen it because cheap. But then I saw that they had season one at the library, so I figured it definitely beat doing the dishes, and I checked it out. I watched the first episode last night. I was going to give you a summary, but I thought it might be better if I put it to the tune of “The Brady Bunch.” Here you go.
The Game of Thrones Bunch
It’s the story
of a man named Ned Stark
who was bringing up five kids and a bastard
All the sons they had dark hair
Like their father
Kinda hard to tell them apart.
It’s the story
of a king named Robert
Who was bringing up three kids who weren’t his own
That’s because his wife Cersei
banged her brother
It’s really kinda gross.
It’s the story
of a girl named Dany
whose brother was a really big creeper
he sold her to a barbarian
like Johnny Depp on steroids
It’s the story
of a drawf named Tyrion
who is definitely the best character
He gets all of the best lines
and has a big peen
He likes to drink and whore
It’s the story
of a bunch of prostitutes
who love being nakey and gig-gi-ling
they have lots and lots of sex
and totes enjoy it
Cause prostitution’s fun!
It’s the story
of a bunch of zombies
who murder, maim and frolic in the woods
they are really kind of cool
but people tell me
they hardly ever show up
And then one day when the king
he came to Lord Ned
And he asked him to be his right hand man
It’s a very risky job and most dudes die quick
And besides all that there is no dental plan
The Game of Thrones
The Game of Thrones
That’s how it goes so far
On the Game of Thrones
I know, that should totally replace the admittedly cool theme song they have right now. And I’ll also admit, the first episode wasn’t bad. It started with a zombie girl pinned to a tree and ended with another kid being pushed out a window, but who likes kids anyway? They’re seriously annoying. I’m told he kills off most of his characters, but at the moment I can’t say I’ll be all that sad if a larger percentage of them die, except the dwarf. Then all bets are off.
Anyhoo, since I’m clearly going to keep watching this mess for a while, is there anyone who would like me to give it more coverage? I mean, I need breaks of fictional asshattery in between the “real life” asshattery. What do ya think?