50 Shades Flunked Lesson Sixteen

Be prepared, readers.  James gave us a break on that last chapter, by merely boring us to death.  All the time she was setting us up for this clusterfuck of a chapter.  Which leads into the question I asked last time, which was “In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing: A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again, B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again, D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word., E) All of the above please kill me now.

It was all of the above, people.  All of the fucking above.  A few of you got it right.  A few of you even noticed that I forgot to add a C) answer.  One person chose it anyway.  Miss Four Eyes came up with an interesting proposal “Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!”  Yes.  Yes, I do.  This could be incredible guys.  Maybe like a choose your own adventure where we all take turns writing different parts.  We don’t even have to check with each other, because we all know James knows nothing about continuity anyway.  What do you say?  After the recap, you may run screaming.

I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.

I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.

Last time, Leila, Christian’s ex sub who spent most of the last book teasing us all that she was going to murder Christian and Ana only to let us all down, was waiting to see Ana.  Ana discovers that whackjob Leila is on security’s list of people not allowed to see her and she is so pissed.  Now, I think it’s a load of crap that there’s a list of people not allowed to see her (what do you bet Jose is on there?), but the fact that Leila happens to be on it – that’s not all that bad an idea, you moron. (AnaFail)  Remember the gunsies, Ana?  How your brain nearly went boom-boom in a bad way?  Don’t you . . . yeah, nevermind.  Wrong side of the goldfish bowl. (FacePalm, AnaFail)

Now Ana wasn’t even supposed to know Leila was there, but oopsies, Prescott, her female security guard, had to go potty and abandoned her post.  You know women with their potty breaks. (AliceRage) Well, she apparently had no one to relieve . . . um, to take over for her, so Leila slipped through.  Eh, oh! (FacePalm) Prescott thinks Ana shouldn’t see Leila but Ana is like, uh huh I can so see her, so Prescott, knowing she’s already screwed, gives in and leaves for a moment to search Leila.  Ana takes this opportunity to email Christian (good move!) and tell him all about it. (AliceScreams)

You're going to blow up my head, I just know it.

You’re going to blow up my head, I just know it.

Once she’s done sealing her fate, she meets with Leila, who has brought a friend, Susi, who also looks just like Ana.  A trio of mindless Ana automatons. (WTF) Susi announces that she and Leila call themselves “the sub club” and Ana thinks “Oh my God” and I smack myself in the face (Epic FacePalm).  Thankfully, brilliant Susi leaves, and we’re just left with one Ana clone, and sadly, the real Ana.  Christian calls, but Ana tells her assistant to take a message. (AnaFail) Then he calls Prescott, who makes Ana take the damn phone and listen to asshole herself.  He shouts at her that he gave her instructions and bad puppy, she peed on the rug again! (Redflag) Ana hangs up on him. She’s going to be all kinds of dead!  Hooray!

Leila thanks Ana for, you know, not pressing charges for vandalizing her car, breaking and entering her apartment, and attempting to murder her. (WTF) Trifles, really.  Then she wants to see Christian to thank him for beating the crap out of her and turning her brain into pudding, I mean, for not putting her in prison.  And for paying all her doctor bills.  Oh, and for art school.  The usual ex-sub insurance special. (WTF)  Christian is so supportive, he even bought some of her paintings, which is not at all inappropriate.

Example of one of Leila's paintings.

Example of one of Leila’s paintings.

Leila goes on.  And on.  She loved her boyfriend.  And her husband.  Oh, and Christian, of course.  Ana agrees that he is easy to love and they both giggle. (FacePalm, AnaFail, WTF)  No, seriously.  I’m thinking they’re about to go out and get manicures together while comparing buttplug techniques when Christian arrives.  He’s enraged, but Ana still gets in a full description of his hotness.  Remember ladies, it’s important that your murderer be hot. (AliceRage)

Prescott is immediately fired and no doubt leaves the building screaming “Freedom!”  Then Christian yells at the cute little deranged former mental patient / aspiring art student. (RedFlag)  Ana thinks he shouldn’t bully her.  Duh-er, Ana, that’s what he does best.  He also informs Ana that this has nothing to do with her. (RedFlag)  Beyond, you know, Leila nearly killing her like a month ago, and coming specifically to see her, he’s exactly right.  Nothing to do with her!

See, Leila's no problem, Christian. Jeez.

See, Leila’s no problem, Christian. Jeez.

Well, there’s more back and forth about absolutely nothing, and Christian threatens to take away all the guilt money supporting Leila (cause Christian is such a sweet sweet guy to take care of Leila after ripping her to shreds) and she finally leaves to go be nutso somewhere else.  Then Christian tears into Ana for “defying” him, and Ana asks why he was so mean to Leila who only tried to murder her, gawd. (AnaFail, WTF) So Christian talks to Ana “as if to a child” (AliceRage) and explains that the subs were just a “diverting pastime” (AliceRage) and he doesn’t want Ana “tainted by his old life” because it’s so old, you know, like three months ago old.  But Ana says “Whatever touches you, touches me” which just makes me think of those old Health classes about STDs. (AlicePukes)

This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand.  Is there a Sesame Street version?

This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand. Is there a Sesame Street version?

Ana then realizes her mission in life, besides being Christian’s doorstop, is to make Christian realize that he “cares.” (AnaFail) He cares because “he likes to whip little brown-haired girls that look like the crack whore.”  Wait.  Well, it was in the same paragraph, don’t ask me what it means. (WTF)  Then suddenly, they are having sexy talk, and Christian says let’s go home but Ana says I have to work so Christian says let’s do it here and Ana says no that’s her final word absolutely not and Christian says let’s go home and Ana says okay. (AliceScreams)

And then we cut to Christian sticking his nose up Ana’s hoo ha while she’s trussed up like a pig again. God, I wish I was making that up.  He tortures her a while, then orders her to come and kaboom she does, rinse, repeat. (AliceScreams)  Then they share a couple of emails. (AliceScreams)

I'm pooping on all those emails right now.

I’m pooping on all those emails right now.

And Ana picks up her phone and OMG it’s Jose’s dad saying that Ana’s dad has been in a terrible accident and to come quick! (WTF) Wait, did James just throw in a plot point as an afterthought?  Who cares, end chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 5080 = -30
Holy crap, I survived that one!

Holy crap, I survived that one!

Fun, fun, fun.

Fun, fun, fun.

Question # – which number are we on now?

Mad Libs!

Here is a paragraph from the next chapter with some of the words taken out.  See if you can fill them in!  Leave your answers in the comments below!

“Do you want a _____, a ____?  What do you ___, Ana?”  Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____.  He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon.  This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______.  This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now.  My____, ____ 50 Shades.

27 responses

  1. STD
    got diarrhea
    butt plug
    my vagina

    1. This is going to be one awesome mad lib.

  2. Oh my god. I am never reading this book. I have no freaking clue how you do it. :-O

    I actually got turned off by all the hype about the books, and never bothered reading them. All the ‘good’ reviews I saw in passing were asinine anyway. And even though I’ve been following your blog since I started blogging, I never read the fifty shades related posts.

    Wow.. I am never reading this book. Thanks for saving my sanity, love. :-/

    1. You’re welcome. You should still read the posts. Or at least the comments. Look at all the slightly disturbed fun we have! Dirty mad libs!

      1. Oh totally! Your book bashing is totally hilarious and well deserved! =D

  3. balloon animal

    1. I cannot wait to put these into the paragraph. I think I’ll post everyone of them next time. Hee hee. Thanks for he original idea! I think it was you, right?

      1. I got it from someone else, so steal away. 😉

  4. “Whatever touches you, touches me”? She didn’t said that? Haha!

    “Do you want a shit, a crap? What do you think, Ana?” Christian waved his ‘down there’ at me and I know he’s got an STD – my lost puppy dealing with events beyond his ‘down there’. He’s been crying and wailing all afternoon. This is a catastrophe of epic proportions that he cannot manipulate and shit. This is eggs in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s going to go celibate and I wish I had a brain now. My poor, little poopsy 50 Shades.

    1. Laughing so hard – I spelled it out cause it’s a real LOL. I could do this for every chapter and it would be totes awesome. And yeah, she REALLY said that about the touching. Nearly spat out my drink on the computer. The jokes write themselves.

  5. Your recounting of this book continues to be beyond hilarious. I never thought I would get so much joy from such a giant pile of crap. You’re an alchemist!

    1. I think that’s the first time I’ve been called an alchemist! Thanks!

  6. I’m going to break blog-y rules and comment twice, so just punish me now. No. Wait. Punish is the wrong word. What the fuck ever, your line “God I wish I was making this up.” sent me over the hysterical laughter edge. I snorted. Your posts continue to amuse me in the best way possible. As for the mad lib, I’m considering this homework and I will definitely be glad to complete this assignment.

    Laters, baby.

    1. You can comment as many times as you want! When I first started this, I actually gave people grade points for the number of comments they made. I’m shameless that way. Don’t forget the homework. I think this is going to be a hilarious compilation of mad libs.

  7. Well, here goes nothing.

    “Do you want a butt plug, a butt plug? What do you butt plug, Ana?” Christian butt plugged at me and I know he’s butt plugged – my lost butt plug dealing with events beyond his butt plug. He’s been butt plugged and butt plugged all afternoon. This is a butt plug he cannot manipulate and butt plug. This is butt plugged in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s butt plugged and butt plugged now. My butt plug, butt plug 50 Shades.

    1. This is the buttpluggiest comment ever. I bet she could actually insert, uh hum, buttplug into every sentence in the book and people wouldn’t even notice at this point.

      1. Probably. I really hope she doesn’t read your blog, Alice my love, because otherwise with that suggestion we might be in for a 4th book…

  8. As usual, this is hilarious! I used the random word generator to do the mad lib. I figured it won’t make sense, but neither does the book, so I will be just like EL! Here it goes!

    “Do you want a doing, a winner? What do you analyst, Ana?” Christian attacks at me and I know he’s underneath – my lost qualifying dealing with events beyond his fleet. He’s been temper and entering all afternoon. This is a rabbit he cannot manipulate and formula. This is bundle in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s killing and substance now. My oval, buttery 50 Shades.

    1. You say it doesn’t make sense, but it’s actually not all that surreal – certainly not in comparison to what EL James wrote, anyway!

    2. My buttery 50 Shades! Hahahahahaha! He probably has been entering all afternoon, considering how he and Ana – anyway. And I like that it mentioned rabbit too. Faith is right, random is totally the way to go.

      1. I am starting to think that EL used the random word generator to write all three “books”! 🙂 I liked the buttery thing too 🙂

        1. That would explain a lot. Speaker said at one point she might as well have been typing “bloop, blop, bloop.” Lol.

          1. That would have been more entertaining!

          2. I suspect that she may also have been inspired by the song “Doop”. Which had the incredibly taxing to learn lyrics of “doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop”

            I may have missed out a few “doops” there, however.

  9. Thank you, thank you. This post is confirming all the reasons why I haven’t read these ‘so bad they are good’ books. I don’t know how you are managing to get through them, other than the thought of having material for posts. I hope you don’t need therapy at the end of it. If you do, send the bill to James, she can afford it now. Here are my words for the Mad Lib thingy:
    sense of self
    mental aptitude
    acting like a child
    throwing his toys
    somehow he still doesn’t realise how stupid he is
    a characterture of himself
    bloody annoying
    crap crap

    1. I am loving these. Nappy was especially perfect, since James is so American and everything and let’s face it, Christian babies Ana so much she might as well be in Pampers.

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