Ah, Independence Day. The day we AmeriCANS celebrate our independence from England, the country that currently has banned us from going back there supposedly because of our killer cooties! Also on the patriotic irony front, Mexico banned some of our citizens, specifically Arizonans, from going over the border on this holiday weekend. I think it’s just because they don’t know how to party like we do.
You see, the 4th of July is one of those holidays which combines the joys of drinking copious amounts of beer and setting explosives on fire! Cause ‘Merica! I admit that I personally am not that fond of fireworks or beer, which is probably illegal, and find sitting outside on a summer night and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes just to see some pretty sparkles hardly worth it. For some people, though, this is the ultimate holiday for proving just how stupid humanity can be, and they are not going to just let that pass by! Take the idiot in New York who made national news by launching illegal fireworks directly into the window of his own house and taking around ten minutes to realize it. At which point, he used a water hose. Of course he did. God Bless America, my home sweet home.
We weren’t having our usual festivities in the park, though my neighbors certainly were until well past midnight, so since I was up I thought I might see how my crazy, evil sim Boppo the clown celebrated Independence Day. Technically he’s Canadian, but he is always willing to drink and blow stuff up, so he was totally in. I decided to send him to the beach for his party. Sims are notoriously stupid, just like real people, so this promised to be a real blast.
Boppo started out by purchasing a portable bar and a buttload of fireworks of all shapes and sizes before setting them all around a giant open flame and inviting a bunch of Sims over to play. Looks legit to me!
Oh no, not the speedo, Boppo, anything but that! Please put your clothes back on.
After setting the deck, and himself, on fire Boppo figured it’d be a good time for BBQ. Cause it’s always a good time for that.
And he’s back in the speedo. Sensitive people shield your eyes, this is way worse than burning Sims. Speaking of which . . .
The Sims seem awfully okay about getting shot in the faces with fireworks. Must be the booze. Good call with the bar, there, Boppo.
Just realized we haven’t seen the toddler in a while, and now there’s some new kid there. Everyone is just drawn to Boppo, like moths to a . . . firework.
Well, all good things must come to an end, and surprisingly this one did not end with the Grim Reeper sipping a tequila. We can’t always get what we want. Boppo had a good time, though, and after a shower he decided to do a little dancing with himself.
Happy 4th of July, Boppo, and to all of you as well! Hope you had as much fun as this crazed clown. Or less. Less might be better.
As promised, here is my post on The Sims. This has been one of my favorite games for a while. It’s been through 3 different transformations, all of them grossing millions. It’s like people like playing God or something. Go figure.
Sims 2 is my favorite. I am not always cruel to my Sims. Sometimes I let them have cute families. If you want to talk about pixels having a mind of their own, these guys really do – or seem to anyway. As long as you leave their free will on (Yeah, you can take that away too. Or, uh, so I hear.) they will do all sorts of funny things all on their own. They will hug, kiss, babies will try to eat their toys, and children will run and greet adults when they get home from work. And everyone goes to work in a carpool. Even the thieves.
But since I’m tying this post into the last one, where I talk about killing those cute Virtual Families, this post will address torturing Sims. Since it might be hard to torture someone who looks so lifelike, I decided to create something most people wouldn’t mind kicking around. That’s right, a clown. I call him Boppo Sadface.
When you create a Sim, you can not only decide what they look like and how to dress them (in this case, horribly) you can also decide their personality. You can either randomly select one of the astrological signs, or you can add the points yourself. And you can choose an aspiration for your Sim. Like whether he wants money, or family, or romance. You’ll notice I gave Boppo no nice points, yet made him want lots of friends. He’s also a very sloppy Sim, as evidenced by his lack of points in that area, and the fact that he is digging something out of his ear right now. He did that all on his own.
Next up, Boppo needs company. I figured no humans would volunteer to be with him, but why not a dog? And what dog is undeniably annoying? A poodle of course. Boppo has a dog named Wee Wee (cause that’s what pet dogs do best). You can give the pets personalities too. Wee Wee is aggressive, sloppy, and dumb as a post.
Now that we’ve got those two taken care of, it’s time to find Boppo a home! I tried to make it appropriate.
Yes, his house looks like a psychedelic nightmare, complete with lawn gnomes, flamingos, ceramic (at least I think they are) rabbit heads, kitten heads, bears, and chickens filling his front lawn. I circled a few things to bring them to your attention. First off, see that thing to the left circled in pink? That’s a supposed “marshmallow roaster”, yet is much closer to a circular flame thrower. You might guess where I’m going with this one.
The green circle to the far right is the stupid, violent poodle Wee Wee. In the middle is a yellow circle around the hamster cage. One of my readers informed me that her Sim died from the bite of one of these squeaky critters. So I had to buy one for Boppo. His name is Help Meeee. Ironically, both the hamster and the clown are on my little wheel of death. Bwahahahahahaha . . . moving on.
Death one: Clown on fire!
For this one, you can use any old stove or fireplace, but for ultimate efficiency, I prefer the marshmallow roaster. Just move it into his room, remove the door, and watch the show. Make sure there’s no fire alarm to call the fire fighters or something crazy like that. Observe:
In case you were wondering, yeah that’s a rack of bowling balls on fire in the corner of his room. It’s only a matter of time now. Don’t worry, I had Wee Wee leave the room. I’m not cruel or nothin’.
It’s horrible, and yet fascinating to watch them. First they totally panic and race around in circles. No thought to say, grabbing a fire extinguisher or calling fire fighters. When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. At least until your butt catches on fire. You’re in trouble then. Best defense? No stop, drop, and roll here. Just bounce up and down while attempting to blow out the flames from your clothes.
Strangely this method does not work well for them. Soon enough, the Grim Reaper arrives, and this is one of the funniest parts. You can tell he’s freaking annoyed by his job, just like the rest of us. He shakes his head, pulls out some paperwork, makes a call to the underworld on his cell phone . . . no seriously.
So this post ended up longer than I intended, and I’ve got lots of ways to kill Sims left to go! There’s death by electrocution (Sim + electrical appliance + fork), death by drowning, death by starvation, death by hamster bite and death by flies (I have never achieved either so these are now my goals in life), and so much more. Don’t worry for him – I have him saved, so I can bring him back to life again and again. And then kill him again. If I want.
Shall I mess with Boppo some more? Do you have any Sim stories of your own to tell? Do you want to recommend a mental health hotline for me? Let me know in the comments below!