Guess what? I was dropping my kids off at school this morning and heard on the radio that today is a holiday! One you have all surely been looking forward to to with bated breath. I know I have been, especially after I heard it existed just this morning. If you read the title of this post, then you know it’s “National Boss’s Day!”
I don’t hear cheering, guys! Okay, look, I no longer have a boss (look at me, I’m self-employed!) but for all of you who do have bosses, I figured I’d help you out with this one. “National Boss’s Day” was created by a sad little boss, probably Donald Trump, who wanted people to honor him for all the work he makes you do! Since no one was volunteering in spite of the constant emails of encouragement, the next best thing was to make it a national holiday. It’s a great one too, because you the employee get no time off or appreciation, which is exactly what most bosses want out of a holiday!
So what do you do on “National Boss’s Day?” The radio D.J.s were helpful, especially since their boss could hear them talking right that moment. They suggested that you could, well, at least thank the boss for signing the check. Now if that is not enthusiasm, I don’t know what is. If you really wanted to suck up, you could buy them a mug that says “Best Boss Ever” on the front, and on the back says “No really, this is not just because I want a raise I swear”. They will be sure to love it!
So while your boss considers whether she should hand out the pink slips on this special day, I thought we’d think a bit on all these national holidays. I’ve been hearing a lot of these crop up lately. Last time I believe it was “National Coffee Day”. That one wasn’t bad, because some places gave free coffee. I am one of the few who doesn’t like coffee, though, so I’d have preferred something like “National Health Destroying Drink of Your Choice Day” just to be more inclusive.
What other national holidays are there that you don’t know about? Lucky you, I did some research. I bet you thought October only had Halloween, the great tradition of terrifying strangers into giving you candy, but no, there’s so much more. Some days have more than one holiday, like October 2nd when you can either appreciate custodial workers or name your car. There is “Mad Hatter Day” on the 6th, which happens to fall right after “World Teacher’s Day” on the 5th. I don’t think this is coincidental. “American Touch Tag Day” is on the 8th, though it is celebrated most days of the year.
Halloween is not the only controversial day of the month – now we have Columbus Day too. Some cities and states have decided to adopt Indigenous Peoples Day in favor of Columbus Day in hopes of making up for years of genocide! If neither of these work, you can always celebrate “Moldy Cheese Day”, also on the 2nd Monday of October. If all these random, bizarre days – often different depending on the website you visit – annoy you, you can wait for “Moment of Frustration Day” on the 12th.
My only problem with these holidays is that they do not come with days off from work or school, which we can all agree is the true meaning of holiday. It will all be worth it, though, if Starbucks starts pumping out Happy Holidays cups for these days too, so that we can have Republicans complaining all year long.
Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer. My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition. Crap.
Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween. If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.
As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea. Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude. I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor. I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office. You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns. But guess what? No doctor is EVER coming. Unless you’re Catholic. Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance. Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.
But I was talking about Satan. He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill? Whine, whine, whine. Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing? Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff. They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable. You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.
So Satan figured out a way to get even. He’d come up with a holiday. It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical. He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out. It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it. He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.
So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan. He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models. He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER. Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers. And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids. You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.
Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan. But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere. And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France. So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day. Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.
Remember back when there used to be actual sitcoms on T.V. that were written by actual writers that were actually occasionally funny? Now that we’re saturated in Reality T.V. (you’re soaking in it) it’s hard to remember those old shows. But I do remember that every year there was a Halloween special.
Holidays were the best plot devices ever. Sometimes they were even combined with another plot device, the flashback, which consisted of a bunch of old episodes pasted together. So creative. Family Ties, The Cosby Show, and later on that dreadful Full House, the ship that launched the Olsen twins, all had Halloween specials.
But the most memorable Halloween special had to be “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” starring the Peanuts gang. You remember them. The bobble headed kids who acted like adults yet never seemed to age past the 5th grade. This one starred Linus, the neurotic one that carried around a blankie which probably got his behind kicked on the playground, although we never saw this. It’s hard to blame the kid though, having Lucy, the she-demon, as an older sibling. I’d probably carry mace.
Linus was obsessed with something called “the Great Pumpkin” because even Halloween needs a Santa Claus I guess. Everyone else thought he was crazy, which was a safe bet with this kid, but Linus believed! Meanwhile, the kids dressed up for Halloween. Good ol’ Charlie Brown dressed as a ghost with a holy sheet and got rocks in his Halloween sack.
Wait, what? I mean, I realize he has male-pattern baldness, but this is supposed to be a little kid, here. What freaking adult puts rocks in a child’s Halloween sack? I mean, what the heck? I’ve always imagined Charlie Brown coming back to school later on with a machine gun. Lucy would get plugged first for that football trick, but then he’d just rampage the rest of the gang. Chainsaw Peanuts Massacre. Now THAT would have been a great special.
Wait, I’m getting distracted here. Anyway, we are also celebrating the Great Pumpkin at our house. You see, I did this whole Martha Stewart theme with a pumpkin centerpiece (there’s not much more room on the table) and Halloween themed place mats and wall hangings and . . . yeah I’m totally full of it. Most of our family is rather apathetic about most stuff that requires our active participation. Except Thing Two. She is our party planner extraordinaire. You will party, whether you like it or not.
So we have a Great Pumpkin set up. Right now on the living room floor is a blue pillow case. Sitting on this pillowcase is a jar of candy corn, a note for the Great Pumpkin, and a little pumpkin with a face drawn on it. Oh, and the little pumpkin is wearing a pair of her underwear, which is supposed to be a cape. I was forbidden from taking a picture of this for my blog post. Now keeping the junk in the living room for a month was okay, but not on the blog. But trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.
There also used to be a green Halloween bucket over there, but poor Thing Two got suddenly sick, and that was the closest thing around. Though we’ve sanitized it, nobody is too eager to use it for treats anymore, although it might make a good trick for somebody.
Thing Two is going as Princess Leia this year. She has a costume complete with a honey bun wig. Suffice it to say, she is the cutest and chattiest Princess Leia ever. And at eight years old, she is almost as tall as actress Carrie Fisher, so she’s perfect for the part. The rest of us have decided to go as ourselves, which is scary enough.
I’m not sure if the Great Pumpkin will visit our house or not, but it will not be for lack of planning from Thing Two. I think she is even more faithful than Linus. I’m sure the special will be on again this year, as it has been every year since, like, Biblical times. But I’ll probably just watch Thing Two instead. She is more entertaining than any Halloween special.
*Note: I will take a temporary break from Rants With Alice because this time Alice wants to rave. Stay tuned this Friday for a review of Carrie Rubin’s book The Seneca Scourge.