Last year I did my own overview, complete with link drops to my own posts. Because no matter the year, I am still narcissistic. I vow to be more so in the new year. Blogging is also an interesting insight into what was going on in my life during 2013. Clearly not much, because I posted a lot, like enough times to fill more of those opera houses.
Note: I am so lazy, I didn’t even Link Drop.
Anyway, here we go:
I started off the year in the middle of covering Fifty Shades Freed, the final (for the love of God) book in the 50 Shades series. Only I called it Fifty Shades Flunked, because the one part of teaching I kind of liked was giving people Fs, and I got to do that a lot with E.L. James. I also had an online classroom of students, many of whom did not realize they were enrolled. So they mostly didn’t notice when I quit teaching partly through the book.
Next came the Freshly Pressed nod, which happened right after my washing machine exploded. I can’t express how happy I am that the one post that was pressed was one that featured the word “crap” in the title, and was about, of all things, my quest to get healthier. I joined a gym, and if you’ve ever seen Sport Goofy, you get the idea of how successful this was.
50 Shades coverage continues. To counteract the nausea, I try exercise and like all things, I do this in moderation. I review almost every exercise video out there, even the whacked out 80s ones and the frightening Jillian Godzilla Michaels.
Still overwhelmed, I took a blog break and went on Carnival Cruise lines for a three-hour-tour. Not really, but it made a good post. A stormtrooper visited Wonderland and shot up the place. The Things and I made up a TV show with a mutated creature named “Mutey and Friends”.
50 Shades coverage IS STILL GOING. I decide exercise is too much work and try yoga. Writing posts is also work, so I write my first one word post and get more comments on this than most of my actual posts. I goof up both the origin of both Easter and St Patrick’s Day. I decide to quit Facebook no really I mean it this time.
I first notice my Dragon Tales blog stalkers. I am called a “farthead” by one. I get obsessed with yoga and frightened by a panting girl on a video. I finally FINALLY finished 50 Shades and could only utter “Mmmbop.”
50 Shades is gone and I have nothing to write about, but this doesn’t stop me. I remind people of my birthday coming up and await all the celebratory blog posts. The Fruitcake Award is created and passed around several blogs cause no one wants that thing. More yoga posts. My collection of yoga bling adds up.
I meet my Wonder Twin, merbear, and we discover a love of making fun of stupid retro ads. Also the sound of our own voices. We riff on ads about magical brushes and laxatives. The Things turn nine and thirteen. We have a lockdown at work because the stupidest crooks of all time pretend to rob a Subway. A squirrel and a depressed pony get Facebook accounts. I find out yoga is of the devil.
I get sick a lot (surprise!). Crazed “Christians” swarm my college campus. I declare that I am my own cool table. I start reviewing songs, starting with the “Chipper Cheatin’ Songs”. I tell people what not to name their baby, figuring I’ll tick some people off – instead it’s one of my most viewed posts. Merbear and I find out new uses for Lysol. The anti-awards arrive. I continue my parody of 50 Shades with our heroine Bambi.
Merbear and I start the Wonder Twins retro blog. Merbear does a lot of the work because yet another of my alternate identities, Mary Alice, apparently falls down a bottle. I talk about murdering virtual people – it is another of my most popular posts, you sickos. Boppo the death clown is born and continues to die horrible deaths in the Sims. Sparky the Wonder Blogger arrives to terrorize us all and my followers become sparkleponys. List of X tells us way too much about Miley Cyrus and twerking.
The Things and I glob glitter on a My Little Pony and actually get people to compete for it in a Sparklepony contest! People had to be as obnoxious in their posts as possible – no surprise this is not a problem for my followers. Evil Squirrel “wins” the
monstrosity pony and she travels to his home and falls in love with his Rainbow Donkey (knitted by a blogger) and has babies: (knitted by another blogger). Yes, we are all adults.
I suffer the Sadz and a small nervous breakdown, but continue to write anyway. Halloween is dissected, another birth story is told, and I describe the game of Life – turns out all of these are of the devil.
I start reviewing fairy tales – I mean to get back to this in the New Year with the Little Mermaid, that fishy brat. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and that freak Peter Pan have already gotten the Alice treatment. My Thanksgiving post is a Black
Friday Thursday post, because that’s what the real holiday is, right? Yay!
I spend the entire month griping about Christmas. I discuss the scariness of Santa, write a love letter to George Michael, and discover from Fox News that Santa and Jesus are white. Holiday Paul is offered as a Santa substitute. I get obsessed with a virtual farm. What happened to that exercise and yoga stuff? Hang on, I gotta milk my pretend cows!
So that’s my year. Did you guys have a good 2013? Are you glad it’s over? Got any News Years resolutions you plan to immediately break? Let me know. And thanks for reading.
So I decided I needed to lose weight. This realization came about when I (1) stepped on a scale and saw a bad, bad number (2) saw myself in a picture in which my thighs were spread out like Manifest Destiny (3) realized I would soon need to buy new pants and I hate trying on pants with the power of a thousand exploding suns.
I figured a good time to start would be the New Year, which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand. But now that I’m here, I’m realizing something. This weight loss business? Yeah, it sucks.
I decided not to go with any of the regular diets, because I knew there was no way I was going to do anything like count points (Math is harrd), spend lots of money (Jenny Freaking Craig and the like), or eliminate key foods like meat (I am not a bunny) or bread (screw you, Atkins). So my pal Ravin found this thing on Facebook called Superbetter, and it’s great because it rewards you for stuff like breathing. No, really, it does.
I like rewards. Even meaningless point awards and “good job!” messages. This should come as no surprise considering my massive collection of blog bling. Superbetter sets up “Quests” for you, but don’t worry, you aren’t going to have to find some stupid ring like Frodo. The Quests involve little things that will let you (eventually, like maybe in 2015) reach your “epic win” defined as whatever you consider “epic”. I consider losing five pounds to be “epic” since I have yet to do so, at least on purpose. Also five didn’t sound as depressing as like fifty.
But beware, for there are “Bad Guys” that will keep you from reaching your win. No, I’m not making this up. Bad Guys include things like “liquid calories” which is one of my favorite forms of calorie. You can avoid these bad guys by using “Powerups” or simply putting “quotes” around every other word. Powerups can be anything from breathing (take five deep breaths before you kill your kids) to chugging a glass of water. I think it says chugging because that sounds better than drinking tasteless liquid.
Oh, and they say you should exercise too, the killjoys. But they start out simple. One of the suggestions is to get out of your chair and like stand every thirty minutes or so. I have that in the bag, man. I can stand like nobody’s business. It also suggests you get fresh air (Superbetter doesn’t understand stuff like allergies or, say, seasons – it’s freaking winter here!). But I have implemented some of these, because exercising is a good way to use all that extra free floating anxiety and AliceRage I keep stored up for a rainy day. If I exercise enough, I might not kill my coworkers with a stapler.
And I even stayed away from sugary colas for a week! Oh, how I miss thee, sugary syrup that can clean my car battery! But I just fell off the wagon because I’m cheap. I went in search of a diet drink in desperation because I was falling asleep at my desk. I pushed the button and out popped a regular drink, not a diet. It was like Fate, my friends. And I was way too cheap to let it go to waste. So I drank of it, even though it was a Pepsi and I don’t like Pepsi, but this Pepsi was superbetter than any other Pepsi I have ever tasted.
So obviously this is going to be a long road, complete with stupid quests, bad guys, and Pokemon powerups. But it says you do better if you share your quests with others. And the quests can be for lots of stuff, not just losing weight. I’m dragging Sad Pony and Squirrel along for the ride. Squirrel vibrates constantly and needs help with his caffeine, sugar, and meth nuts addiction. Sad Pony needs to get his pony butt off the floor and get happy already. Anyone else want to join me in my EPIC QUEST?